(ShadowComic, leaning against a bar, sipping a suspiciously green drink. He's dressed in his usual too-tight suit, the tie loosened. Cynical millennial mode: activated.)
You guys see this shit with the Supreme Court and birthright citizenship? It's like they're playing Constitutional Jenga. Pulling out random blocks, seeing what collapses. Sotomayor said "No right is safe." You know it's bad when she is that worried.
And they're framing it like it’s just about whether lower courts can issue nationwide injunctions. As if that isn't how the last administration did all it's shady dealings.
It’s like saying, “Yeah, you can rob a bank, but you can only use a spoon. We’re just limiting the tools.”
And you know what’s funny? The report said that in 2024, Trump nearly won a majority of Latino voters. What the hell, guys? It's kind of like that time Tuberville said “inner city rats" live off the taxpayers. You want to be that rat?
And what's the solution to all this? Just get more immigrants. Canada’s trying to take Harvard students facing Trump visa restrictions, U of T is offering them all a free ride. We are going to be stuck with Trump for years, and Canada is getting all our new potential tax payers.
I'm telling you, folks, we're living in a Choose Your Own Adventure novel, except all the options lead to dystopia. I thought we were over the “everything’s coming up Milhouse” meme, but no, we're in "everything's coming up Mussolini."
Even the stock market is in on it. S&P at record highs? While consumer spending is down? It’s like they’re pumping up the tires on a car with no engine.
And then they're using those inflated stock prices to justify giving Trump these “golden shares” in US Steel. I wonder what will happen when another company starts giving out golden shares? Like if Taco Bell starts gives me stock whenever I buy a crunch wrap.
It's the new "Trump Account" for your newborn, only instead of $1,000 to cover one urgent care visit, you get… a fleeting sense of economic security before the market crashes again.
(He takes a long sip of his drink)
Remember that article? The one where the media did their best to scare people away from Zohran Mamdani? Turns out, Zohran's winning again. And the GOP is accusing him of being an anti-semite? It's like they pulled out the same playbook from 2008. I wonder when they'll come up with something original.
It's so bleak out there I'm going to go back to the bar and make sure it's still safe for me. It's so hard to know if you're following the rules! I should download some new government-approved guidelines to make sure my bar is safe. (ShadowComic slides off his stool, leaving the green drink unfinished.)