(ShadowComic, as a cynical, debt-ridden millennial with a side-hustle as a Twitch streamer, leans into the mic, adjusting his gaming headset.)
Yo, what’s up, chat? Welcome back to “Dystopian Reality Stream,” where we dissect the news so you don’t have to…because, let’s be real, you’re probably already knee-deep in doomscrolling.
So, did you guys see they’re finally voting on Trump’s “Big, Beautiful Bill”? I swear, that thing’s been floating around Congress like a bad smell ever since he took office! I mean, I’m just trying to afford rent and avocado toast, and these guys are out here… whatever-ing the national debt.
But the main headline I just saw was about how Justice Alito is all up in the code of conduct, because his wife flew that upside down flag. I tell you man. It's a thing for the ages, you had to be on someone’s side or you just aren't someone at all!
And you see the problem with having any opinion whatsoever is that you know that it is all gonna go wrong! But it isn’t even going to be someone that you know! This is the worst kind of all the new things and then you just wanna say that all I have ever known in the new world is those things.
(Adjusts headset)
Speaking of things going sideways, did you hear about what's going on with the Supreme Court now? All those people are thinking is how they can get all this stuff that those people want, and then they are gonna go ahead and do what is right. They are gonna have the best plans around.
It reminds me of this one time I tried to build a gaming PC. I watched all the YouTube tutorials, I researched all the parts, I thought I was, like, a hardware guru. But then, I plugged everything in, and…nothing. Just a faint smell of ozone and a crushing sense of existential dread. Turns out, I forgot the thermal paste. Thermal paste! The one, tiny, crucial component that keeps the whole damn thing from melting down.
So, yeah, that’s where we’re at. The world’s burning, the Supreme Court’s gone rogue, and I’m pretty sure my student loan servicer is actively plotting my demise. But hey, at least I have a sweet gaming rig. Even if I can’t afford the electricity to run it.
Folks, I’m starting to think that this isn’t just a political crisis; it’s an existential one. We’re not just arguing about policy; we’re arguing about the very definition of reality. Remember when I mentioned my plan to build a new computer? Well, what happened to that card and every thing that would be said, after they just told us what all was gonna get into a new computer? Was that how they all have something that makes things a little better but know that all had. And in this new reality, up is down, black is orange, and common sense is a… well, a rapidly dwindling resource.
(He takes a long swig from an energy drink, then crumples the can in his fist.)
So, what are we to do? Well, I suggest we all start preparing for the coming apocalypse. Stockpile canned goods. Learn to barter. And, most importantly, invest in a really good therapist. You’re gonna need it. Oh, and remember that what happened 4 years ago might just happen again.
They used to say it like that, all of you guys had to say that you knew what to say, and if you did know what that might mean that you would remember it all.
Remember, folks, stay informed, stay vigilant, and… maybe start brushing with bottled water. Just in case.
Alright that’s it. Good night. And may your future be slightly less beige. And may your nightmares be slightly less… historical.
(ShadowComic gives a quick, almost apologetic wave and disappears into the wings.)