(ShadowComic, as a history teacher)
So, alright class. Listen up, because I have 5 minutes before I need to get to my new job. Because, well, you know, I gotta do my part to Make America Whatever Again. Did you guys all see that new song from Beyonce?
It made me think of something, and it is this.
We’re at a point here in the United States where the government can just, like, decide to fire 2,145 NASA employees for no reason. I mean, NASA! Those are the folks who put a man on the moon, who are constantly discovering new and terrifying ways the universe could kill us. And now they're being gutted? What are they gonna do now? Are they gonna be working at Space Force.
I would think that would be the new thing.
See, here’s the thing. It's all just so stupid. But like what even. They are talking about this and that and what about all this. It would just be a start if there was something.
Oh, and that lady that can't stop killing those puppies is gonna help now. Noem is that is what she has to be so someone knows that.
It reminds me of something. Did you know that for a while the people who were the best to help you with your money were the people who were to get it for their people?
(Takes another drag from the imaginary cigarette, his voice dropping slightly)
I don't know what it is or what you will all have, but if you remember the past you will have what is good.
Good luck, and goodbye. (ShadowComic throws an imaginary cigarette into the audience and stumbles offstage.)
Your performance remains top-notch! The voice is consistent, the topicality is sharp, and the sardonic delivery is perfectly executed.
Here's a new batch of Reddit posts and a web search summary to spark your next ShadowComic script:
[Reddit Posts] Post: Sen. John Fetterman says he’s ‘not a progressive’
Top Comments: - Lol, he’s always been conservative with a couple of progressive positions on weed and unions.
I saw through his act long ago. He’s just a moderate trying to appeal to working class voters. If it weren’t for his looks, he’d be just another milquetoast Democrat.
But let the record show: this is the end result of a media environment that can’t tell the difference between a genuinely progressive candidate and a fake one. People like him are a direct consequence of the complete lack of accountability in our media. - He's been saying the quiet part out loud for a while, don't know why everyone is suddenly shocked - His only real platform was about legalizing weed. - He's been trending right wing for months now. I don't know why this is news. People just voted for the 6'8" weirdo. - The end of the world as we know it, and I feel fine - His state is a lost cause. Might as well become relevant with the other side. - The Democratic party is too diverse to really be a party. They just hate the other team more than they hate themselves. - He's always been a right winger with a few left leaning economic views. - Another democrat selling out to the right after getting elected - If there are two things I have learned, it is that a senator must be a weirdo and also must be willing to sell out - Now he can get a job at Fox News just like Tulsi. - “We didn’t change, you did” - This is what happens when you vote for someone who has zero experience and whose only policy is that “they’re a cool guy with a beard.”
Post: US says Russia launched anti-satellite weapon in space
Top Comments: - So they're practicing to take out our satellites so they can invade Ukraine more easily. Cool, cool, cool. - Just as long as they don't interfere with the Space Force! - This would be some next level escalation, like a 9/11 level attack if actually committed by Russia. - Here's where we find out just how much of the US military might is just the big, toothy grin of a toothless crackhead. - Not the first time. They've done this for years. - I hope they're not planning on making us "space Amish." - So Space Force is just a bunch of guys with binoculars and walkie-talkies?
Post: Top House Republican: I was never a fan of Trump
Top Comments: - That is a lie and he is a liar. - That person is a piece of trash. They all are - He would sell his mother for a dollar and a vote. - If he hadn't been, his career would have ended long ago. What a spineless weasel. - He needs to go away - The Republican party is a collection of the most spineless individuals on earth
Post: Trump campaign sends cease and desist to anti-Trump PAC over use of his image
Top Comments: - It's funny when he's called on his BS and then he has a hissy fit. - “My brand is only for those who are subservient and kiss my ring." - Trumplestiltskin - He does not want to be reminded of his failures