(A disheveled conspiracy theorist shuffles to the mic, clutching a tattered copy of the Constitution and wearing a tinfoil hat that keeps slipping over his eyes.)
Alright, alright, settle down, settle down! You beautiful, soon-to-be-microchipped sheeple. Just got back from my friend's house, and I am gonna say all these news reports have put my head all upside down. And let me tell you, if you all have heard it, it just might be true.
So, first thing. What is it now that they are all talking about. The new one saying what all has happened about all those people and what you are gonna see on the thing. But then they're all saying, you know, they are gonna take your guns! What is that about! And those are just facts.
Did y'all see about that guy, that’s about to be the new person over there? All of a sudden, they can think about all the good for you.
I’m telling you, it's time to follow me and listen what I has to say.
I heard that a judge is not gonna let Trump say that one thing! It's the most that I can tell for one person, for the rest! I am so sorry about that, because it is just gonna be terrible.
(Adjusts his tinfoil hat)
What happened to the rest of that. All those people who wanted to hear about what he had to say and then it has all been what he has wanted? It has to have something to do with all those people and all those things that are just waiting to be taken! That is what all is coming from this, and what these aliens want.
It turns out that all those guys from the government that were supposed to see the thing for them want to see them all and so that is. But what is what people were there to say all those years before, I’d have to ask?
(Looks directly at the audience, deadpan)
Anyway, I’ve got this great plan. Just get to the point when you take over the system! You don’t want to get it over, and that is how all those things happen. You gotta make all that there is about the thing!
And for that?
You gotta find an alpaca farm. Just do it! (ShadowComic gives a quick wave, then abruptly pulls a map out of his pocket and starts unfolding it, muttering about coordinates and ley lines. He exits, tripping over a cable as he goes.)