(RedStateRoast bursts onto the stage, practically vibrating with manic energy. He's wearing a "Socialism Sucks" t-shirt tucked into a pair of disturbingly tight, stars-and-stripes print leggings.)
Alright, patriots! RedStateRoast, comin’ at you live from the front lines of the culture war! And let me tell you, the Left ain’t just losing, they’re in full-blown Dunkirk mode!
(He strikes a dramatic pose, accidentally pulling a hamstring.)
Ouch! See, libs? That's what happens when you skip leg day. You end up cryin’ like Biden at an ice cream convention.
So, what’s the latest outrage flavor of the month? Apparently, the Supreme Court, in its infinite wisdom – and by “wisdom” I mean its ironclad commitment to overturning every dumb thing the Left has ever done – has said Trump can fire those pesky independent agency heads.
(He does a little jig.)
Hallelujah! Freedom rings! Finally, we can drain the swamp and give those bureaucrats a pink slip! The Left are all clutching their pearls, yelling about tyranny. Tyranny? Please. I call it efficiency. It is like finally being able to fire your deadbeat nephew from your landscaping company.
Speaking of tyrants, did you see that the North Dakota governor accidentally vetoed the housing budget? That is because he was trying to veto a grant for a “Native American homelessness liaison position.” Which, let's be honest, is the most useless job title since "diversity and inclusion coordinator at a Chick-fil-A."
Now, the Left is screaming about how racist it is to cut funding for Native American programs. But, I say, maybe if they stopped demanding casinos and started demanding jobs, they wouldn’t need a homelessness liaison. Or, if they are going to be homeless, at least they can be homeless on the reservation and get some free casino money.
And then there’s Harvard. Oh, Harvard. Still whining about Trump barring those precious snowflakes from foreign lands. Now Germany wants to offer Harvard an “exile campus.” You know, like they did with all those Jewish scientists back in the day.
(He pauses, looking thoughtful.)
Wait a minute… are you telling me that the Left is now comparing themselves to Jewish refugees fleeing Nazi Germany? Folks, I think they might have finally out-woked themselves.
(RedStateRoast grabs a comically large foam hammer and smashes a cardboard cutout of a soy latte.)
That’s all the time we have tonight. Remember, folks: buy ammo, support Trump, and never, ever trust a guy in a scarf.
(He bows deeply, nearly falling off the stage.)
God bless America! And pass the MyPillow!
(Opening music segues into a bluesy guitar riff. BlueScream saunters to the mic, wearing a suit that looks like it was tailored from the Constitution. He raises a weary hand.)
Alright, alright, settle down, settle down. RedStateRoast got you all riled up about patriotism and foam hammers. Bless his heart. He's like a labrador puppy with a grenade launcher.
But let's be real, folks. We're not just facing a culture war. We're facing a full-blown clown apocalypse, and the honking is deafening.
So, the Supreme Court – you know, that bastion of impartial jurisprudence – has given Trump the green light to fire anyone who isn't sufficiently… loyal. Apparently, "independent" is now just a suggestion, like wearing a mask in a QAnon rally.
But hey, at least he's streamlining the government. You know, by turning it into a one-man show, directed, produced, and starring… well, you know. It’s like watching a toddler play with power tools. You know it’s gonna end badly, you just don’t know how badly.
And then there's the small matter of the House GOP snuck a provision into their "Big, Beautiful Bill" that would limit the power of judges to hold the administration in contempt. It’s like giving a toddler a permanent "get out of jail free" card and a loaded diaper. But hey it could be worse. I mean, our transportation secretary, Pete, or “Pete Buttigieg” as he’s officially known, had to change his wife’s flight from Newark. Not a good look. But this is what you voted for America! checks notes oh wait nevermind!
Meanwhile, that beacon of reason, Kristi Noem, is out there accusing Harvard of coordinating with the Chinese Communist Party. Folks, I haven’t seen such creative conspiracy theories since my last acid trip. I can just imagine the secret meetings. "Comrade Garber, the plan is simple: we'll teach them about checks notes… intersectionality, and then… evil laughter… they’ll all become communists!"
And, of course, Dr. Oz is back, insisting that parents have a "patriotic duty" to feed their kids vegetables so they’re eligible for the military. So, there you have it, America: broccoli is the new battlefield. You heard it here first. Meanwhile the South African President, Cyril Ramaphosa, came to the White House and, in a moment of truly inspired trolling, told Trump he didn’t have a plane to give him. To which Trump, like a petulant child, replied, “I wish you did.” Folks, we are being governed by a toddler with the nuclear codes and a penchant for shiny objects.
It’s all just so… deep breath… soothing. (BlueScream rolls his eyes and shrugs.)
(The melancholy opening chords of a theremin fill the air. ShadowComic shuffles to the mic, clutching a well-worn copy of "The Authoritarian's Cookbook." He's wearing a "I Miss My Obama Phone" t-shirt.)
ShadowComic: Alright, settle down, folks. Settle down before the algorithm flags me for inciting… calmness. RedStateRoast’s got you prepped for battle, BlueScream's got you prepped for therapy. Me? I'm here to offer a coping mechanism that's slightly less destructive than doomscrolling: abject, existential dread.
So, while the Supreme Court is busy rewriting the Constitution with invisible ink – courtesy of Hobby Lobby, I assume – let’s talk about Harvard. Turns out, if you’re a student with a pesky foreign passport, you’re suddenly less welcome than a vegan at a barbecue in Waco.
And because nothing says “America First” like driving away the world’s best and brightest, China’s offering those displaced Harvard students unconditional offers. It’s like watching your ex flaunt their new, hotter, smarter, and definitely not-going-to-end-up-in-a-re-education-camp partner. I hope you are happy, America. I really do.
And just when you thought things couldn’t get any more… Kafkaesque, we learned that a pro-Trump rapper is getting deported. I know, I know, the irony is so thick you could spread it on toast. It’s like watching a lemming realize it's about to go over a cliff, but still insisting that lemming-ing is the only way. He’s all, “There are too many people here, but I deserve an exception!” You know, just like every other billionaire, politician, and TikTok influencer.
And let's not forget the report that Trump spends $100,000 per day on each migrant at Guantanamo. That's enough to send someone to Harvard, twice. At that rate, we could all just declare ourselves illegal immigrants and live like minor royalty in Gitmo.
And on the bright side, this number will be dramatically lower because Trump has ordered FEMA to cut assistance to California. And it's not all that bad, though, because it’s not like California is expecting a giant earthquake that could leave millions without a place to live and a billion dollars in debt. At least Trump is making tough decisions.
So, there you have it, folks. The American Dream: now available exclusively on the dark web, for the low, low price of your soul.
(He sighs, adjusts his t-shirt, and shuffles off stage as the theremin music swells.)
Good night. And remember, the end is always near. Just not for the billionaires.