(RedStateRoast swaggers back onstage, now wearing a West Point cadet uniform… that’s several sizes too small. He salutes awkwardly.)
Alright, alright, settle down, you snowflakes. Back by popular demand… or at least, by the algorithm’s demand, I’m RedStateRoast, here to make sense of this week’s descent into madness.
So, Trump gave a speech at West Point. Apparently, he warned the cadets about trophy wives and drag shows. Which, let’s be honest, is solid advice. I mean, who needs a trophy wife when you can have a side hustle selling Trump Steaks on QVC? And drag shows? They're fun, but not exactly "military grade." Unless we're talking about General Patton in sequins.
But the Left is furious, saying Trump is "MAGAfying" West Point. Folks, West Point is already pretty MAGA. It's a school full of future officers who are going to swear an oath to defend the Constitution. How much more MAGA can you get?
Speaking of oaths, Texas is now requiring the Ten Commandments in public schools. Which, honestly, is a great idea. Maybe if these kids knew not to steal or covet their neighbor’s ox, they wouldn’t be so obsessed with socialism. And it might be helpful to add the 11th commandment: Thou shalt not get triggered by pronouns.
And here's a shocker: after weeks of internal squabbling, House Republicans finally passed Trump's "Big, Beautiful Bill." Critics call it a wealth transfer to the rich. I call it… trickle-down economics with a steroid injection. Look, if the rich get richer, they'll create jobs! It's basic math. Or at least, it’s the kind of math they teach at Trump University.
But let’s be clear, Folks, there are a few drawbacks. First, this bill will probably require kids to take history classes in person. Second, is the fact that it probably requires people to watch CNN.
But never mind that, because The EU is now threatening retaliatory tariffs on the US after Trump proposed a 50% tax on their goods. The Euros are all huffy, saying they want “respect, not threats.” Well, maybe they should try offering Trump a slightly used Boeing jet. That seems to grease the wheels pretty effectively.
The fact that their trade commissioner thinks this is wrong shows the kind of unhinged mind that we have in this government, not to mention the fact that the tariff on the EU is Trump’s tantrum because of Greenland’s mineral deal with the EU.
And you know what else is unhinged? The fact that the DOJ is now investigating claims the "Michigan kidnapping" plan was an inside job. A judge ruled Trump can fire members of independent agencies. It's like watching a toddler play with matches, except the matches are the building blocks of our democracy.
And speaking of things burning down, a new study has determined that Elon Musk’s “DOGE” involvement has utterly destroyed the Tesla brand. Apparently, throwing Nazi salutes and shilling meme coins isn’t a great marketing strategy. Who knew? But hey, at least he's got Mars, right? A barren, lifeless planet populated by sentient Teslas and Pepe memes. Sounds like paradise to me.
And in a move that surprises absolutely no one, the U.S. Treasury is phasing out the penny. Turns out, it costs more to mint those little copper nuisances than they’re actually worth. The left says this is a sign of economic collapse. I say it's a sign that we're finally embracing the future. Next stop: Bitcoin-backed currency!
And speaking of crypto scams, various senators are demanding that Trump release the names of attendees at his meme coin dinner. Apparently, these Senators don’t understand that releasing the names would be bad for the attendees, and for Trump! In fact, the attendees may want to hire a lawyer.
And as the ship of state continues to list precariously, I have discovered that our Vice President, JD Vance has “hit a genealogical dead end,” meaning his Irish Heritage is false.
But to JD I say: “So what! What does it matter about Ireland when you can MAGA all day?”
(RedStateRoast rips off the ill-fitting cadet uniform, revealing a "Make El Salvador Great Again" t-shirt underneath. He bows deeply.)
Remember, folks, stay vigilant, stay caffeinated, and never, ever, under any circumstances, let a politician near your retirement fund. Unless that politician is me. Then, you know, maybe make an exception. Just kidding! Mostly.
(RedStateRoast sprints offstage, narrowly avoiding tripping over his own feet.)
(BlueScream storms onto the stage, still in her hazmat suit, but now it's accessorized with a tiara made of crumpled dollar bills. The Geiger counter is now duct-taped to a selfie stick.)
Alright, alright, settle down, you beautiful, bankrupt messes. BlueScream here, ready to sift through the political fallout like a tipsy archaeologist.
So, RedStateRoast is worried about Greenland and the Ten Commandments? Bless his heart. I’m more concerned about the Eleventh Commandment: Thou Shalt Not Accept a Luxury Jet from Qatar. Apparently, divine law only goes so far when you’re getting a free upgrade to the flying penthouse suite.
And speaking of hypocrisy, did you hear about this Democratic congressman complaining about Biden’s health? I swear, it’s like watching a toddler throw a tantrum because he didn’t get two scoops of ice cream. “But Mommy, I wanted double disappointment!” Dude, we get it, you wanted to primary Biden, but maybe don’t air your grievances while the house is burning down. Read the room, pal. It's not like the current leader is a paragon of mental acuity. Or physical fitness. Or… well, anything resembling competence. The bar is in hell, Democrats, stop tripping over it.
And the White House is cracking down on leakers. Apparently, honesty is only valuable when it's on the stock market, and the Senate will be passing laws to make it more illegal to be a whistleblower. And all it took was an 81-year-old guy making a few wrong turns at a G7 summit, or getting stuck in a sand trap… on Air Force One.
But it’s not all bad news. Texas has just banned social media for minors. You know, because nothing says “protecting our children” like depriving them of access to information and turning them into a bunch of sheltered, easily manipulated… oh, wait a minute. That’s the point, isn’t it? Well, if they're not on Twitter, what else will they do? Read a book? Take up a hobby? Learn a skill? God forbid they become well-rounded, informed citizens.
And speaking of banned things, Harvard is getting its foreign student enrollment cut off. I mean, who needs intellectual diversity when you can have… well, whatever’s left after you’ve purged anyone with an independent thought. Pretty soon, Harvard’s gonna be just a finishing school for future Fox News hosts, all wearing khakis and reciting the Pledge of Allegiance backwards.
Here’s a hot take, folks: maybe we should stop treating Trump’s bluster as some kind of strategic masterstroke. Maybe he’s just… old. And tired. And… slightly unhinged. Maybe the world isn’t a chess board, but a bingo game he’s playing with his dentures. And maybe, just maybe, the answer isn’t to fight him on his terms, but to offer him a nice cup of chamomile tea and a comfy rocking chair. And then… quietly… slip out the back door and start building something better.
Just a thought.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go find a qualified therapist, because I’m starting to think “apocalypse bingo” is a real thing.
(BlueScream exits, the Geiger counter beeping wildly as she disappears into the wings.)
(ShadowComic shuffles onstage, wearing an ill-fitting suit made entirely of discarded MAGA hats. He carries a single, wilted American flag like a forgotten bouquet.)
Good evening, patriots…or, as the Department of Rebranding now insists we call you, "Pre-Dystopian Asset Class."
So, the House passed Trump's "Big, Beautiful Bill." You know, the one that's so big and beautiful, it makes the national debt look like a rounding error. It's so fiscally responsible, it makes a drunken sailor look like Warren Buffett. It's basically the legislative equivalent of deep-frying a stick of butter and serving it with a side of gold flakes. Sure, it tastes good going down, but you'll be regretting it for the rest of your life.
And to make sure we really feel the "Make America Great Again" spirit, they’ve added a provision that lets Trump ignore court orders. Because, you know, checks and balances are so last century. It’s like we’re building a time machine, but instead of going back to the future, we’re just going back to…monarchy.
But hey, at least there's good news for the crypto bros. Turns out, if you donate enough meme coins to the Trump campaign, you get a seat at the White House dinner table. It's the new Lincoln bedroom! Only instead of sleeping with starlets, you're pitching Dogecoin to the Secretary of Treasury. And I am fairly certain the food is worse.
Speaking of making deals, Trump is now threatening the EU with 50% tariffs. Because apparently, the best way to strengthen international alliances is to… threaten them with economic ruin. It's like a geopolitical version of "The Art of the Deal," only instead of making deals, you're just making enemies. It’s also like he is trying to become the CEO of the world, and for his first act, he will just tax everything.
You know, sometimes I think Trump is just trolling us. He’s like that one guy on the internet who just says the most outrageous things to get a rise out of people. Except this guy has access to nuclear weapons and a Twitter account.
And now the Supreme Court is considering a case that could end birthright citizenship. Because, you know, the 14th Amendment is just a suggestion, like flossing or not storming the Capitol. What's next? Are we going to start deporting anyone who doesn't have a birth certificate signed by Betsy Ross?
And in Florida, they’re banning gender-affirming care for Medicaid recipients. Because apparently, the real threat to freedom isn’t tyranny; it’s… people being comfortable in their own skin.
(ShadowComic clutches the wilted flag tighter.)
See, this is why I love American exceptionalism. We’re not just exceptional; we’re exceptionally creative at finding new and innovative ways to dismantle our own founding principles. It’s like a reverse-engineering project, only instead of building something better, we're just making it… worse. But with style.
And you know who is really into it? Apparently, it's the same people who told us Covid restrictions were a form of authoritarianism. Which is just weird! I don't know why we can't be reasonable about this. I mean, maybe if we told them they could vote people out of the country, they would be more keen to get it on.
(Leans into the mic conspiratorially)
And, finally, Ben & Jerry's co-founder, Ben Cohen, got arrested for protesting the Gaza blockade. Which is, you know, kind of refreshing. At least someone is still willing to risk arrest. Most of us are just trying to figure out how to afford that slightly more expensive generic cereal.
(Sighs, looks at his watch)
Well, that’s about all the existential dread I can handle for one night. Remember, folks, stay informed, stay vigilant, and… maybe start brushing with bottled water. Just in case.
Good night, and may your future be slightly less beige.
(ShadowComic gives a small, wry smile and walks off stage, leaving the wilted flag on the floor.)