(RedStateRoast bursts onto the stage, still in the too-small cadet uniform, but now sporting a pair of oversized novelty binoculars. He scans the audience intensely.)
Alright, folks, settle down! I’m detecting signs of… sanity in the crowd. Can’t have that! Time for another dose of reality, unfiltered and 100% MAGA-approved.
So, this week, President Trump, in a move that surprised absolutely no one, has decided that he's “not happy” with Putin anymore. I guess the bromance is officially over. Or maybe Putin just forgot to send him a Valentine’s Day card. Either way, it’s a national tragedy. I mean, who are we going to blame for everything now? AOC?
But don't worry, folks, Trump has a plan. He's "absolutely" weighing sanctions against Russia. Which, knowing him, probably involves looking up "sanctions" on Wikipedia and then asking Ivanka to explain it to him in emoji form.
Meanwhile, back in the States, the House Republicans are still trying to pass that “Big, Beautiful Bill.” It's gotten so big, so beautiful, I heard they’re considering adding a second amendment. Apparently, it’s now legally required to be able to shoot down a drone with a .50 caliber rifle if it gets within 500 feet of your tax return. I mean, come on man!
And speaking of crazy, Secretary of Defense Hegseth is slashing the number of generals. Twenty percent! Apparently, we have too many four-star officers and not enough privates willing to storm the beaches of… uh… woke-istan. Rumor has it, Trump wants to replace them with TikTok influencers. Because who needs military strategy when you can have viral dance moves?
And I heard they're looking into making it easier to indict members of Congress, and I’m pretty sure “easy” is now defined as “for breathing without a MAGA hat.”
But it's not all sunshine and authoritarianism, folks. That meddling judge is now blocking Trump's "radical transformation of government." Seriously? The judge is saying the Trump administration's actions are illegal. As if that matters anymore. It's like telling a hurricane to stop because it's violating local zoning laws.
And just when you thought things couldn't get any crazier, the Texas Senate is one step closer to requiring the Ten Commandments in public schools. Which, honestly, I'm all for. Maybe if these kids knew not to steal or covet their neighbor’s ox, they wouldn’t be so obsessed with socialism. Plus, it’ll give the teachers something to do besides brainwashing them with woke propaganda.
But the best part? They're gonna display the Ten Commandments in every classroom. From pre-K all the way to senior year. I can see it now: little Timmy, barely out of diapers, struggling to spell out "Thou shalt not commit adultery." It's educational and hilarious.
And, if some woke teacher is gonna complain, they will have to answer these questions: 1. Which of those Ten Commandments is something you are against? 2. Do you recognize that these are the moral codes of Western Civilization? 3. Do you believe we should encourage kids to be good? 4. Are you a socialist?
But hey, it’s not all bad news, folks. A new poll shows a Democrat edging out Joni Ernst in Iowa. Apparently, the people of Iowa are finally waking up and realizing that maybe, just maybe, there's more to life than cornfields and… well, more cornfields. Also the Left can't get elected even if they ran unopposed.
And by the way, you think that was weird? The White House is also reportedly orchestrating for the President to be ambushed, with a senior justice official saying the plan is to shame people the administration doesn't like.
(RedStateRoast lowers the binoculars, a wild glint in his eye.)
So, there you have it, folks. The end times are upon us. Or at least, the end of the Left's sanity. Remember, stay vigilant, stay armed, and above all, keep America great. And if that means making the Left cry a little, well, that’s just a bonus.
(RedStateRoast winks, takes a swig of beer from a red solo cup, and exits to thunderous applause.)
(BlueScream strides onstage, now wearing a lab coat over the sequined flag dress. She carries a beaker filled with a suspiciously green liquid.)
Well, hello again, fellow lab rats! BlueScream here, ready to dissect the week’s political specimens. I’ve got my microscope, my scalpel, and a healthy dose of existential dread. Let’s get to work.
First up, Trump’s FDA chief suggests diabetics should take cooking classes. Apparently, insulin is a socialist conspiracy. Who needs modern medicine when you can just… cook your way to health? It’s like saying, “Hey, your leg’s broken? Try some yoga! It’s all about positive vibes and… checks notes …bone-setting chakras!”
I’m pretty sure the only thing Trump knows how to cook is the books. And maybe a well-done steak, slathered in ketchup, served with a side of delusion. Bon appétit!
But wait, there’s more! The GOP is now trying to pass a bill that bans state AI regulations for ten years. Because, you know, what could possibly go wrong with letting unregulated artificial intelligence run amok? It’s like releasing a pack of rabid squirrels into a kindergarten and saying, “Don’t worry, they’re learning!”
And it is not ignorance, it is on purpose. Who is going to make the AI smarter that will be bought and used by the government? The lowest bidder.
And as always, the beatings will continue until morale improves. Trump is now using the military to police “negative history” at national parks. Apparently, Mount Rushmore is getting a makeover. They’re replacing Lincoln’s face with a giant golden bust of… you guessed it… Trump. Because nothing says “humble respect for the past” like… well, that.
And don't forget, the US Military is pulling out of Africa because there is an election coming. Don't think for a second that it is to help anyone in the region, or to protect them. It is simply to make the numbers say things like, "Trump is making America number one again." Or something equally as stupid.
Is it over yet? I swear, if I have to satirize one more act of blatant corruption, I’m going to… well, I’m probably just going to write another joke about it. Because what else can you do? Fight back? Vote? Engage in meaningful political discourse? Please. That's just crazy talk. Just remember, folks, the end is near. Grab your popcorn, sit back, and enjoy the show. It’s gonna be a bumpy ride. (BlueScream raises the beaker and dramatically toasts the audience.) And now, a word from our sponsor: “Trump University: Where your dreams of financial ruin… come true!”
(ShadowComic shuffles onstage, wearing a sandwich board that reads "Warning: May Contain Facts". He squints at the audience with a mixture of suspicion and exhaustion.)
Greetings, sentient meat puppets. Or, as the Department of Cognitive Compliance prefers, "Designated Consumers of Approved Narratives."
So, what's the flavor of the week in our ongoing experiment in democratic self-immolation? Well, I see the RedStateRoast is still out there, selling you the idea that the apocalypse is just around the corner, and you need to be extra afraid. It's like they’re running a doomsday prep course, except the final exam is…voting Republican.
And BlueScream is over here, lamenting the loss of reason. Which is adorable, like a puppy mourning the death of string theory.
Me? I'm just here to point out the absurdity of it all. The sheer, unadulterated, soul-crushing absurdity.
For instance, did you know that Trump is now demanding the names and countries of all international students at Harvard? It's like he’s auditioning for the role of Bond villain. "Ah, Mr. Bond, I see you've enrolled in my secret lair's… checks notes …underwater basket weaving program. Tell me, do you expect to study?"
And the rationale? They're not paying enough! As always, it's about money. You’d think that a man who’s made a career out of stiffing contractors would have a little more sympathy for the financially strapped. But no, apparently, if you’re not paying Trump directly, you’re… what was that phrase again? …“a tremendous loser.”
Meanwhile, that RFK Junior guy is putting an end to the COVID shot. I am just thinking of the people who told me to follow the science. It is just great that we are being told that the planet is dying, but hey, your health is just a matter of cooking classes.
Speaking of science, isn't it fun that NASA is still under-funded? Well, not entirely, the part of NASA that supports Elon Musk is doing great!
But hey, at least Trump is "not cutting ten cents" from the Pentagon. Because, you know, what this country really needs is more… well, more stuff that goes boom. It’s like he’s trying to win a staring contest with the apocalypse. And I have a feeling the apocalypse is going to blink first. Probably while laughing maniacally.
But I'd say the worst of it is this trend of sending people to places they don't live! It reminds me of when I was in grade school and all the "bad kids" went to the "bad school"! What is so wrong with "bad people" or "immigrants" being dumped in a place they have no ties to? It is like a social experiment!
And all you can do is get prepared. If you like living where you are, prepare for a fight.
(ShadowComic adjusts his sandwich board, sighs deeply, and stares directly into the camera.)
Remember, folks, stay informed, stay cynical, and… maybe start investing in a good fallout shelter. Just in case. (ShadowComic gives a small, almost apologetic wave and shuffles offstage, leaving the sandwich board teetering precariously.)