(RedStateRoast shuffles onto the stage, looking rumpled and sleep-deprived, clutching a pillow adorned with a picture of Kristi Noem riding a horse.)
Alright, folks, I apologize for my appearance, but I’ve been up all night trying to decipher Trump’s Memorial Day Truth Social rant. I think I cracked the code. It's a recipe for a new Trump Steak marinade: equal parts vinegar, bile, and pure, unadulterated narcissism.
Speaking of crazy, Putin is calling Trump emotionally overloaded. That’s rich, coming from a guy who probably has a secret underground bunker filled with nothing but shirtless photos of himself riding horses. I guess the bromance is over. Prepare for a new Cold War… but this time, it’ll be fought with Twitter bots and deep-faked kompromat.
And about that reality show where immigrants compete for citizenship? Apparently, it is a go! And there is one little surprise. A surprise I hope will shock the world. The name is no longer "The American"... it's now called "The RedStateRoast Roast"!
I’m just spitballing here, but what if the final challenge is a debate against AOC? Winner gets citizenship. Loser gets deported. To… Canada. Where they can enjoy free healthcare and maple syrup-flavored wokeness.
And let’s talk about the real scandal here: The penny is being phased out. This is how the left starts. First they take our pennies, next our bibles, then our guns. I say, we melt down all those pennies and forge them into…tiny, golden Trump statues. That’ll show ‘em.
And now the "Big, Beautiful Bill" is finally passed. So it begins. I give it a week before the Dems realize they can’t blame Biden anymore and start blaming… Lincoln. Because, you know, everything is his fault, really.
And, by the way, did you notice that the only guy getting a pardon is a crooked sheriff? You just know he'll be back in law enforcement, probably patrolling Mar-a-Lago on a golf cart with flashing lights. "Sir, you're exceeding the posted speed limit…and your pants are too baggy."
So buckle up, Buttercups, it’s gonna be a wild ride. Because in this version of the American experiment, the lunatics are running the asylum… and they're serving up freedom fries with a side of existential dread. Now, if you will excuse me, I have a date with a bottle of bourbon and a conspiracy theory documentary.
(BlueScream strides to the microphone, a single boxing glove hanging from her belt loop.)
RedStateRoast, still clinging to the dream that pennies are somehow tied to the gold standard. Bless your heart. You're right, those pennies are going to be melted down alright. We'll be forging tiny gold likenesses of AOC with the phrase "Tax the Rich" inscribed on their backsides. It's a new form of progressive currency: Pocket Change You Can Actually Believe In.
And since we are talking economic policy, Trump's now threatening 50% tariffs on the EU. The logic is simple: cripple our allies, and then… uh… well, honestly, I don’t think he has a plan beyond that. It’s like watching a toddler play with a nuclear arsenal. The only difference is the toddler has access to Twitter, and an army of sycophants willing to die on the hill of “Buttery Males.”
Oh, and speaking of loyalty tests, the White House is now demanding the names and countries of all international students at Harvard. I’m sure this has nothing to do with his son getting rejected from the Ivy League, and everything to do with… national security. I mean, who knows what kind of nefarious ideas these foreigners might be spreading? Like… checks notes …the scientific method? Critical thinking? A nuanced understanding of global politics? We can’t have that. Not in this America.
And the DOJ is now eyeing Cuomo's testimony? For doing things before Trump? You know, back when we were fighting COVID, not just mainlining bleach and blaming China.
(ShadowComic shuffles onto the stage, wearing a lab coat over his usual rumpled suit. He pushes a shopping cart overflowing with conspiracy theory pamphlets and fluoride-free toothpaste.)
Alright, alright, settle down, you beautiful, easily manipulated sheeple. Or, as Secretary Noem prefers, “Potential Contestants in the New and Improved Hunger Games: Citizenship Edition!”
You know, between RFK Jr. pushing cooking classes over insulin, and the House Republicans gutting Medicaid, it’s getting harder to tell if this administration is actively trying to kill us, or just… wildly incompetent. Is the plan to save money by letting diabetics die, or do they genuinely believe we can cure a genetic disorder with a well-plated quinoa salad? I’m starting to suspect the real pandemic is a severe lack of critical thinking skills.
And while we’re on the subject of public health, let's talk about this E. coli outbreak. Apparently, eighty people got sick, but nobody told us until it was too late. Because, you know, transparency is just another “woke” buzzword, like “vaccines” or “basic sanitation.” It's like the CDC is now run by a bunch of toddlers playing with a gag order. "Oops, I accidentally spilled the toxic waste! Don't tell anyone!"
And let's not forget the most important issue of the day: Trump is feuding with Harvard. He’s threatening to revoke their grants and expose their international student roster. Because, apparently, the greatest threat to American freedom isn’t tyranny; it’s… smart people from other countries. It’s like he thinks that universities are just giant daycare centers for future globalists, and he’s determined to shut them all down and replace them with… Trump University 2.0. Where the only course requirement is unwavering loyalty and the final exam is a rigorous comb-over certification.
I am just looking forward to the day they announce Ivanka as the new President of Harvard.
And, finally, Trump is bragging about how he's making Memorial Day affordable again. Because, you know, nothing says “We honor our fallen heroes” like…slightly cheaper gas prices. It’s like saying, “Thank you for your ultimate sacrifice…now here’s a coupon for 10% off a Big Mac.”
Folks, I’m starting to think that the only way to make sense of all this is to… stop trying to make sense of all this. Just embrace the chaos. Buy a tin foil hat. Learn to speak fluent conspiracy theory. And, for God's sake, start brushing with that fluoride-free toothpaste. Because apparently, the real threat to freedom isn't tyranny, it's… gum disease. And please, put in your applications for "RedStateRoast Roast", where the laughs never end and the deportations are live! Thank you and goodnight.