(RedStateRoast swaggers to center stage, now sporting a red, white, and blue Speedo and a ten-gallon hat. He strikes a heroic pose.)
Howdy, folks. RedStateRoast, reporting for duty. Turns out, Memorial Day wasn’t just about honoring our fallen heroes. It was also about reminding the world that I can still rock a Speedo at my age. And I’m just getting started, folks.
So, Sleepy Joe—oh wait, still Trump’s fault—Biden emerged from his basement to… read a teleprompter. Apparently, he’s written a new book: ’The Art of the… I Forgot What I Was Talking About.’ It’s a real page-turner. Or at least, it would be if he could remember how to turn the page.
But Sleepy Joe’s not the only one with a new book. Jake Tapper is trying to sell his new book. I heard Jake is now claiming that everything that has happened since 2015 is worse than Watergate. I think what he means is that every time the Left loses it gets worse than Watergate.
And speaking of Democrats, did you see that AOC is now saying she wants to be Joe Rogan? Well I think what she is really saying is, she wants to be relevant. AOC and Rogan are like oil and water, they don't mix. Plus, Rogan is a meat-eating, freedom-loving American. AOC? Not so much.
And now the Supreme Court said no to that gender shirt? About time they did something useful. And look, I get it, some folks are confused about gender. But let’s be honest, there are only two genders: Male and Female. And if you can’t figure that out, well, maybe you should try reading a book. Preferably one that isn’t on the list of banned books at our nation's military academies.
And let’s not forget that the Left is having a meltdown because it looks like Trump has a bonafide lead in the polls with the Hispanic vote. This is because even the most uneducated Hispanic knows that all those Left-wing, woke-a-hontas, ideas, are trash. And the Hispanic community know this.
I'm not sure who is to blame, the media, or the Dems and their virtue signaling.
And lastly, Elon is taking a step back from politics. But not to worry. JD Vance is coming to the rescue. Finally, a politician who makes me look sane. But let me tell you, I'm not sure if I'm a fan. Elon Musk is rich... Vance is a try hard.
(RedStateRoast flexes his muscles, causing the ten-gallon hat to wobble precariously. He winks.)
Remember, folks, stay great, and keep those immigrants out of the reality show.
(RedStateRoast struts offstage, whistling "The Star-Spangled Banner" slightly off-key.)
(BlueScream materializes on stage in a shimmering, bioluminescent gown. She's holding a bouquet of drone parts.)
Greetings, sentient beings, or as Trump might say, "potential deportation recipients." I'm BlueScream, your resident purveyor of political nightmares, here to remind you that reality is still far more terrifying than any fever dream you could conjure. And if that wasn’t enough, there are reports that the Former President is holding crypto parties, like it’s 1930’s Germany and he is handing out gold plated coins. What a joke.
RedStateRoast, you are a true marvel. A man who is so sure of himself that he is able to rock a Speedo while being over the age of 60. Truly amazing.
You know, sometimes I wonder if we’re all just characters in some elaborate reality show, and the producers are deliberately trying to see how much absurdity we can tolerate before we collectively snap. And I know what you are thinking: AOC as Joe Rogan? Has Hell frozen over? But honestly, I’d pay to see that. Two people with completely different beliefs, talking like adults? Maybe there is a chance.
And who are all these people getting so upset about 50% tariffs on the EU? Do you know all that money is going to help the American people? Or is it just going to get funnelled back into crypto? What happened to those Trump steaks?
But speaking of bad ideas, did you hear that the DOJ is now charging a U.S. Representative for protesting ICE? And in the same day, they awarded $5 million to a January 6th rioter’s family? It's like they're deliberately trying to provoke a civil war. Or at least a really spirited game of political dodgeball.
I was told these people supported family values? If I was a kid of one of these conservatives, I would be out of the house ASAP.
And the hits just keep on coming. The Supreme Court is now refusing to hear a case about a student's “There are only two genders” T-shirt. Apparently, even they have limits to how much they’re willing to indulge in… well… that. I’m starting to think that the only way to survive the next three years is to just… become a hermit and live in a cave.
But to that, the Republicans have an answer: ban the internet, because nothing is more Christian than living under a rock.
I know that they all really hate the trans community, but can we take a step back for a second? It is starting to get a little weird.
And speaking of cave dwellers, have you seen the new line of Trump Steaks? Still not available, but now infused with… checks notes …QAnon conspiracies. Because nothing says “fine dining” like a side of delusion.
I’m BlueScream, and I am now going to go and sell all my earthly possessions and move into a bunker. Have a good night.
(ShadowComic stumbles onto the stage, now wearing an actual tin foil hat that keeps slipping over his eyes. He’s carrying a weather-beaten chalkboard on which is scrawled "DOGE: Deeper Organized Governmental Extortion.")
Greetings, fellow travelers on the highway to hell...or, as Secretary Noem calls you, "Participants in the 2026 Re-Education Initiative."
(Adjusts the tin foil hat, nearly knocking it off)
So, let’s unpack the news, shall we? It’s been a week of such breathtaking absurdity that I’m starting to think reality is just a poorly written screenplay that’s been optioned by…well, let’s just say a very enthusiastic but ultimately untalented producer.
First up, Trump told the families of war dead, "Look at me, I have everything." This is, of course, a completely appropriate sentiment for Memorial Day. It reminds me of a great quote from the Bible. "Blessed are the poor in spirit: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven... and also, check out my golf course."
I am seeing that more and more people are turning to RedStateRoast, and I am thinking, "Why?" I mean, how much more terrible could we possibly be?
Then it was revealed that his new pardons are basically rewards for people who paid him off? I guess the only thing he is looking for is someone who worships him.
But here's a shocker for all of you. There is a black cloud that hangs over this particular issue: There is a report that the Supreme Court is going to end birthright citizenship. And this is what is really coming. I am waiting for the sequel where they also want to ban voting.
(Taps the chalkboard with a piece of chalk that promptly crumbles)
And speaking of things that crumble, let’s talk about the Department of Government Efficiency, or DOGE, as it’s apparently called. A judge has now ruled that they can access sensitive Treasury payment systems. I can’t wait to see how this one plays out. I’m picturing Elon Musk personally auditing my tax returns while cackling maniacally and tweeting out my grocery list. Efficiency!
Meanwhile, RFK Jr., our Secretary of Public Health & Misinformation, has decided that what this country really needs is fewer people getting vaccinated. So, he is removing all recommendations for these, but, but, I would like to point out that he is still accepting birds from Canada in order to study them. So it's alright to risk a little public health.
I know what you are thinking, what about the new law about the Ten Commandments in all the schoolrooms? I will tell you that this is brilliant! Finally, all of the children will get a sense of religion. And if they don't like it, there is the door, right?
(Coughs nervously, adjusts the tin foil hat again)
But wait, there's more! Trump is now threatening to withhold California’s federal funding over… wait for it… one transgender athlete. Because apparently, the greatest threat to American freedom isn't tyranny; it's… someone running track.
See, this is why I love American exceptionalism. We’re not just exceptional; we’re exceptionally creative at finding new and innovative ways to dismantle our own founding principles.
I'm starting to think we are entering a new era of American politics. A new age of the insane, where up is down, left is right, and every member of the ruling party hates everyone else.
(Leans into the mic, conspiratorially)
So, that’s it. I’m done. I can’t do this anymore. It's all too crazy. I’m joining a monastery. Or maybe a cult. I haven’t decided yet.
(ShadowComic throws the chalkboard offstage, rips off the tin foil hat, and runs screaming into the wings.)