(RedStateRoast bursts onto the stage, a tangled mess of red tape hanging from his neck like a patriotic noose. He brandishes a rubber chicken like a weapon.)
Alright, folks, gather 'round! RedStateRoast here, your friendly neighborhood purveyor of truth, justice, and aggressively conservative comedy. What a week, huh? It’s like watching a circus run by a pack of rabid squirrels…on meth.
First up, Sleepy—er, I mean, President Trump. He’s apparently lamenting the size of his new Qatari jet. I tell you, that’s the kind of problem I wish I had. My biggest problem is finding pants that fit over my freedom-loving thighs. This is 2025 folks, we know who is really complaining about the Qatari jet behind the scenes, I'm looking at you, Melania!
Now, Sleepy Joe...sorry, the current resident of the White House did say, you know, about the economy. I’m sure those trade deals are just peachy for the little guy. As any Red Blooded 'Merican Knows, the economy is doing so great that a loaf of bread will cost you your firstborn child.
Speaking of the economy, Elon Musk, bless his pointy-eared heart, is now criticizing Trump’s tax bill. It’s like watching a cat fight between two hairless sphinxes. Who do you root for? The guy who wants to colonize Mars, or the guy who wants to build a wall around America? Oh wait, that's the same guy.
And this week marks the 217th day families are held up, waiting to be reunited at the border. Is there a plan to get those kids out of El Salvador yet? You can only build so many hotels for deportees. I don't know what to do.
And as if that weren't enough, we're now aggressively revoking visas for Chinese students. Apparently, learning is a communist plot. Next thing you know, they'll be burning books…except they’ll do it ironically, while wearing MAGA hats.
But the most shocking news of the week? President Trump is considering pardoning the guys who plotted to kidnap Governor Whitmer. Folks, I'm starting to think that the only qualification you need for a Trump pardon is a demonstrated hatred of democracy and a willingness to wear a funny hat.
And speaking of funny hats, has anyone seen Kristi Noem lately? She’s been awfully quiet. I’m starting to think she's finally realized that shooting puppies isn't a good look, even in…South Dakota. Then again, I heard she is now competing on The RedStateRoast Roast, with a skit about how she can "shoot a puppy with a smile".
So, what have we learned this week? The world is still crazy, politicians are still corrupt, and I still need a stiff drink. But hey, at least we have each other. So, raise your glasses, folks, to another week of chaos, comedy, and the unwavering belief that America will eventually find its way back to sanity… or at least, to a slightly less insane version of itself. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go practice my coyote hunting impression. I heard it really kills at Republican fundraisers.
(RedStateRoast throws the rubber chicken into the audience and exits, leaving a lingering scent of cheap cologne and conservative angst.)
(BlueScream swaggers to the microphone, wearing a shimmering, form-fitting catsuit made entirely of newsprint headlines. She flicks a non-existent piece of lint off her shoulder.)
Well, howdy, fellow deplorables! BlueScream here, your resident voice of the sane, or at least, the relatively sane. I'd say "welcome to Reasonable Doubt", but let's be honest, reason left the building sometime around… well, November 2016. And it took my good pants with it.
(She adjusts a stray piece of newsprint on her thigh, revealing a headline that reads "Trump Claims 2 + 2 = Whatever He Wants It To Be")
So, Trump, bless his tiny, Cheeto-dusted heart, is now officially feuding with… checks notes …Elon Musk. It’s like watching Godzilla fight Mothra, except instead of giant monsters, it's just two overgrown toddlers throwing their toys out of the pram. And the toys are taxpayer dollars.
Meanwhile, Vice President JD Vance is out there shilling for crypto, because apparently, our nation's second-in-command is also a part-time meme coin influencer. I’m starting to think the only way to understand this administration is to overdose on Adderall and binge-watch Rick and Morty.
And speaking of grifters, Trump is now considering pardons for the folks who plotted to kidnap Governor Whitmer. Because nothing says “law and order” like… rewarding attempted terrorism. It's like giving a participation trophy to the guy who tried to blow up the school bus. “Hey, at least you tried!”
I'd never suggest that, but if I was Trump's lawyer, I'd tell him to "take a look" at the person who tried to bomb the Planned Parenthood office so we could play both sides!
But hey, at least he’s got his priorities straight. He’s furious about Greenland, ranting about TACO trades, and… oh, I almost forgot… he’s convinced that Harvard is a hotbed of anti-Semitic commie trans-genderism. That is a lot to unpack, isn't it?
Personally, I think his latest tirade is just a thinly veiled attempt to distract us from the fact that his own administration is a raging dumpster fire of corruption, incompetence, and… well… gestures vaguely at her newsprint catsuit …all this. I guess Trump’s hoping we’ll all be too busy arguing about pronouns and trade deficits to notice that he's quietly selling off the country piece by piece.
Or maybe he really is just losing it. I mean, let's be honest, the guy's been mainlining Fox News and hamberders for the past eight years. At this point, I wouldn’t be surprised if he started communicating exclusively through interpretive dance.
So, buckle up, folks. It's going to be a bumpy ride. And remember, in the age of Trump, the only thing more terrifying than the news… is the realization that this is our reality.
And now, a word from our sponsor: "Trump Steaks: Still just a hypothetical slab of over-priced beef. Just like the GOP platform!"
(ShadowComic emerges from the wings, wearing a meticulously crafted suit made entirely of those plastic grocery bags that are now illegal in most states. He carries a single, wilting dandelion.)
Greetings, carbon-based life forms. Or, as the Department of Euphemisms is now calling you, “Pre-Compost Material.”
Well, folks, the madness continues unabated. Trump is now considering pardons for the Whitmer kidnapping plotters. I guess that’s his way of saying, “Hey, if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em…or at least, give them a get-out-of-jail-free card.”
It's a bold new strategy for the justice system! Why bother with evidence, due process, or…you know… facts, when you can just issue a presidential decree based on… gut feeling? I can see it now, the inscription above the Supreme Court: “In Trump We Trust…To Overrule All Previous Rulings Based on Whim and Twitter Rants.”
But wait, it gets better. Trump is furious that Wall Street has dubbed his trade policy “TACO,” which, for those of you not fluent in financial jargon, stands for “Trump Always Chickens Out.” I’m pretty sure it’s also a subtle dig at his…well, let’s just say his “less-than-stellar” relationship with our southern neighbors. It’s like a perfect storm of ego-bruising insults, tailor-made to send him spiraling into a vortex of all-caps rage tweets and poorly-spelled conspiracy theories.
You know, I’m starting to think that the best way to govern this country is just to…insult Trump on a daily basis. Forget policy papers, forget legislative action; just unleash a torrent of carefully crafted zingers and watch him dismantle the government in a fit of pique. It's like reverse psychology, only instead of raising a well-adjusted child, you’re…accelerating the collapse of Western civilization.
And speaking of civilization, did you hear about Elon Musk? He’s now “disappointed” in Trump’s tax bill. Apparently, even the guy who wants to colonize Mars has a limit to his tolerance for…fiscal irresponsibility. It’s like finding out that Hannibal Lecter has a problem with…poor table manners.
Meanwhile, that anti-vaxxer guy, what's his name again, that Kennedy fellow is now limiting what actual scientists can publish. What a great way to get everyone to agree with you!
Look, I get it. It’s all a bit…much. But remember, folks, this is American Exceptionalism in action. We’re not just exceptional; we’re exceptionally creative at finding new and innovative ways to dismantle our own democracy. But with style.
(ShadowComic plucks a single seed from the dandelion and blows it into the audience.)
Remember, folks, stay informed, stay cynical, and… maybe start learning how to live off the grid. Just in case.
(ShadowComic drops the plastic bag suit and strides offstage, leaving the audience to ponder the ecological implications of his departure.)