Folks, RedStateRoast here, back from my fact-finding mission to the local Arby's—turns out they still have the meats, but not a single employee who can spell "Constitution."
And speaking of things falling apart, has anyone seen our trade policy lately? It's like a toddler playing Jenga with the global economy. One minute the tariffs are on, the next minute they're off. It's enough to give a free market capitalist a serious case of the vapors. And our esteemed President? Well, he's handling it with all the grace of a rhino in a china shop. I'm pretty sure his economic advisors are now communicating exclusively through interpretive dance.
But hey, at least we know where Elon stands. Apparently, he's "done enough" in Washington. That's right, the guy who promised to drain the swamp just took a mud bath and then skipped town with our social security numbers.
Now, I know what some of you are thinking: "RedStateRoast, are you saying Elon is a bad guy?" Folks, I'm just saying, if a guy offers you a ride to Mars in a self-driving car powered by Dogecoin, maybe pack a lunch. And a lawyer.
And about these tariffs? The courts keep slapping them down faster than Kamala Harris can say "word salad." Our esteemed President is taking it well. I heard he's considering replacing the Supreme Court justices with animatronic robots programmed to say, "You're Hired!" to every single Trump initiative. It's a bold strategy, Cotton, let's see if it pays off.
And speaking of bold strategies, did you hear about the House Republican’s plan to question federal job seekers about their loyalty to Trump and his executive orders?
I have an idea! Let's start quizzing them with actual history!
Question 1: What is the capital of Wakanda?
Question 2: Name all 72 genders, in order from most woke to least woke.
Question 3: Explain, in 500 words or less, why Trump Steaks are the only meat fit for a true patriot.
If you can't answer these questions, you are clearly a socialist. Or, worse, a journalist.
And now, a word from our sponsor: MyPillow. Because even if your dreams are filled with nightmares about the collapsing American empire, you still deserve a good night's sleep.
(BlueScream adjusts the tiara, which is now slightly askew, and addresses the audience with a weary smile.)
BlueScream here, still trying to figure out if "late-stage capitalism" comes with dental. This week has been… well, let’s just say my therapist is considering billing the White House directly.
So, Trump's considering a 50% tariff on the EU. Because nothing says "Make America Great Again" like triggering a global trade war during a recession. It's like rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic, except the deck chairs are the global economy and the iceberg is... well, you know.
And of course, this is all because Greenland didn’t give him the courtesy he deserves. Because if there is one thing Trump hates, it's the sight of a nation getting rich off minerals he isn't profiting from. I'm pretty sure he's mapping out a hostile takeover of Denmark as we speak. Operation: Icy Hot.
And speaking of hostile takeovers, the GOP wants to stop states from regulating AI. Because what could possibly go wrong with letting algorithms run wild? I mean, it's not like AI has a history of being biased, discriminatory, or prone to world domination or anything. Oh, wait.
Meanwhile, at West Point, Trump just blasted trophy wives. This from a guy who’s been married more times than I’ve changed my Netflix password. I guess the only thing worse than a trophy wife is a trophy husband. He must be so jealous of Melania.
And speaking of things we don't want to talk about, the White House is now trying to claim that all the fake citations in RFK Jr.'s MAHA report were just "formatting errors." Right. And my sequined flag dress is just "business casual." I am sure we will all be on the right track once we start taking health advice from a man who is dating the worm from Men in Black.
But wait, the Senate’s ready to change Trump’s “sweeping” bill? And where do they get the audacity to think they can edit it? Is it supposed to be the Senate or the rubber stamp?
And as for the new campaign slogan? You’ll never guess it: “Lock her up, but gently!”
And, if you’re feeling overwhelmed by all this, remember, the Sentient Toast Coalition is offering a lifetime supply of artisanal bread to anyone who can explain what the hell is going on in this country in under 30 seconds. Side effects may include existential dread and a sudden craving for carbs.
I'm BlueScream, and this has been Despair Hour. Try the veal. It's probably not tariffed yet.
(ShadowComic stumbles onstage, dressed in a meticulously crafted Boy Scout uniform, complete with merit badges for "Emergency Doomsday Prepping" and "Advanced Cynicism." He carries a battered bugle, which he promptly misfires, producing a sound like a dying moose.)
Greetings, fellow…survivors. Or, as the Department of Societal Optimization now calls you, “Potential Contributors to the Post-Apocalyptic Gig Economy.” ShadowComic here, your friendly neighborhood scoutmaster for the end times.
So, the news, huh? It’s like someone set the American Experiment to “shuffle” on a broken iPod. You never know what’s coming next—a catchy pop song, a forgotten B-side, or a dial-up modem screeching at 3 a.m.
Trump just called one of his own Secretaries “crazy”. And this week we’ve seen new evidence that his new policy is to pardon criminals who are in his own little club. It’s a fresh take on the old adage: birds of a feather, flock together, and then get pardoned for their felonies.
Did you hear the Supreme Court rejected Trump’s power to deport people? Now you can only be deported by other agencies. And this is so not okay! You can not even feel safe to be seen with a green card holder.
And speaking of birds, the Trump administration’s new COVID policy is really taking off. And I cannot wait to get my dose of cooking classes and a free bird.
The government used to have good regulations and was in charge of making sure the food we eat would not kill us. All that changed when the new Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE) took over all the government documents.
Oh, but it gets worse. Have you heard of the new reality show? What's the deal with this Kristi Noem show where immigrants compete for citizenship? I'm not saying it's dystopian, but I did just get a casting call from a guy wearing a monocle and twirling a mustache. You know what, I'm gonna give it a try. I figure, worst case scenario, I get a free trip back home, courtesy of the National Guard. Best case, I win citizenship... and a lifetime supply of slightly more expensive generic cereal! But I'm told the competition is fierce...apparently, the final round involves successfully navigating the American healthcare system without bursting into tears.
You know what I say?
Be prepared.
That’s the motto of our Boy Scout Organization for the End of Times! We’re all learning how to filter water, build shelters out of MAGA hats, and identify edible berries.
And, remember, stay vigilant, stay informed, and… maybe start practicing your survival skills. Just in case.
(ShadowComic salutes, then accidentally sets his merit badge sash on fire with a stray spark from his flint and steel. He runs offstage screaming.)