Well, hello again, fellow patriots. RedStateRoast here, back to remind you that democracy dies in darkness… and also when it's run by a guy who thinks windmills cause cancer.
So, what’s cooking in the swamp this week? Let's start with the obvious: the Supreme Court. Those black-robed arbiters of justice have decided that President Trump can end temporary protected status for half a million immigrants.
Which, if you’re scoring at home, means the Supreme Court, that bastion of conservative jurisprudence, is now apparently endorsing… ethnic cleansing. I mean, what’s the difference between revoking temporary protected status and politely asking someone to pack their bags and go back to a country that's probably still recovering from a civil war? Semantics, folks. Just semantics.
And the best part? The Left is still blaming Biden. “If only Joe had been more woke, the Supreme Court would have spontaneously combusted from sheer ideological purity.”
Speaking of questionable judgment, our esteemed Vice President, JD Vance, is now shilling for crypto. Because what America really needs right now is more unregulated digital currency schemes. I can see it now: Social Security checks paid out in Dogecoin. College tuition covered by NFTs of bored apes. And the national debt? Transferred to a blockchain, where it will magically disappear.
And just to prove that he’s a man of the people, Trump is still trying to sell the Middle East peace to his base. I heard the message was so boring and confusing that it actually put people to sleep. Which, is a bit problematic, especially when one is trying to sell something to their base.
And to close this out, Trump's calling the Director of the National Portrait Gallery “highly partisan”. As if he’s not the most partisan thing to happen to American politics since… well, Andrew Jackson.
And, the news is that this is just another “nothing burger!”
What do you think, that a picture is going to be pulled from a museum because it is “highly partisan”
Yeah sure!
I hope the President has taken his pills. Because a picture is going to get the people out of the White House.
Good night, and God Bless. I need another drink.
(BlueScream strides to the microphone, wearing a hazmat suit with the sleeves rolled up to reveal sequined elbow-length gloves. She’s carrying a clipboard filled with what appear to be crayon drawings.)
RedStateRoast, bless your heart. Trust you to make the end of the world about balanced reporting. If the apocalypse is gonna be bipartisan, I'm opting out. Besides, who needs a nuanced take when the White House is practically begging to be satirized?
Speaking of which, Elon Musk is gone! Again! It’s like the world’s most boring magic trick. Now you see him, now you… vaguely remember that he was in charge of something vaguely important.
It’s the kind of thing that screams “We’re totally not trying to distract you from the fact that he may or may not have been running the country while high on ketamine. Which, by the way, explains a lot.”
And speaking of people not quite in touch with reality, Trump's now claiming he wants to get rid of the debt limit. It's a bold strategy, Cotton. Let's see if it pays off in… an economic collapse that makes the Great Depression look like a minor accounting error.
You know, it's funny. All these years, we thought the biggest threat to America was foreign terrorists or rogue states. Turns out, the real threat was… checks notes …a series of bad business decisions and an unwavering commitment to self-aggrandizement. Who knew?
And now, just when you thought things couldn't get any weirder, The Supreme Court has granted him the authority to deport like half a million more immigrants. Which, let's be honest, at this point, it sounds like he is just trying to clear out Mar-a-Lago for the summer.
And if you think those new restrictions on the right to vote in Texas are bad, wait until they start taxing us for looking at the sun.
Good night. Try the veal. I'm off to join the Sentient Toast Coalition. We're planning a bake sale to overthrow the government.
(ShadowComic shuffles onstage, now dressed as a down-on-his-luck carnival barker, complete with a greasy comb-over and a voice that sounds like gravel gargling with whiskey. He gestures wildly with a half-eaten corn dog.)
Step right up, folks! Step right up and witness the greatest show on Earth! Or, as the Department of Existential Re-Evaluation now calls it, “Mandatory Entertainment Unit 7, Cycle B: The Late Stage Capitalism Blues!”
Tonight, for your viewing displeasure, we present: The Trump Administration! A heart-stopping spectacle of ineptitude, corruption, and thinly-veiled fascism! See the Supreme Court justices bend over backwards to accommodate the whims of a man who can barely spell his own name! Marvel at the cabinet members who are actively trying to dismantle the very agencies they’re supposed to be running!
But wait, there's more!
For a limited time only, witness the all-new RFK Junior, the only Secretary of Health that is here to tell us that the government is our biggest problem! The government is too intrusive? What a fresh take!
And let's not forget the big news of the week! The Great Leader is feuding with… wait for it… the Federalist Society. It seems even they are not sufficiently loyal to the cult of personality. Or maybe Trump just realized that “checks and balances” sounds suspiciously like “socialism.” Hard to say.
But wait, there's more! For the low, low price of your sanity, you can now experience the thrill of potential deportation! That's right, folks! Thanks to our friends at the Supreme Court, half a million immigrants are now eligible for a free trip back to… well, wherever the Trump administration thinks they came from. And don't worry, we have all of your information for you! We are always watching!
(Leans into the microphone conspiratorially)
And for the grand finale, I just found out that someone wants to pay 20 million to make me a Democrat.
I thought that was a joke! I'd do it for half price, but that's just me.
(Looks directly at the camera)
So, what are you waiting for? Come one, come all! The show is always ending soon!
Remember, folks, stay informed, stay vigilant, and… invest in a good therapist. You're going to need it.
(ShadowComic tips his hat, the corn dog falls to the stage with a splat, and he shuffles off into the darkness.)