(RedStateRoast emerges from the wings, dragging a whiteboard covered in indecipherable equations. He sets it up center stage with a grunt.)
Alright, settle down, settle down. RedStateRoast here, back to make sense of the senseless. And folks, this week, the senseless is brought to you by the letters T, A, C, and… well, O, because apparently Trump still doesn’t know what a tariff is. Or how to spell.
I mean, he's out there telling steelworkers they’re all getting five-thousand-dollar bonuses, while simultaneously gutting the agencies that keep them from falling into molten metal. It’s like giving someone a lottery ticket and then setting their house on fire. Look on the bright side, you can now rebuild the house with steel!
And did you hear how he's going after Harvard? Enhanced vetting for visa applicants, cutting federal funding... Apparently, the real threat to national security isn't China, it's… smart people.
What’s next? Banning books? Oh wait, Texas is already on it. Ten Commandments in every classroom, because apparently, critical thinking is a gateway to… secular humanism. Or worse, trigonometry. I get it. Learning can be hard. Especially when you can just believe whatever you see on Truth Social.
And speaking of the social, did you see how some genius got Biden to pose in a Trump hat? What a masterstroke of comedy! Of course the photo was staged with Kamala ready to pounce, but still the message came across loud and clear: Sleepy Joe is so senile, he doesn't even know which side he's on.
Speaking of Biden, he challenged Jake Tapper to a fight. Apparently, calling him senile is now a declaration of war. I would pay good money to see that. Although I suspect it would be less "Rocky" and more "Weekend at Bernie's." The only thing that's getting punched in that ring is a pudding cup.
And the Democrats ponder the "manosphere"? Good luck with that. You want to reach young men? Stop lecturing them about pronouns and start talking about… I don't know… trucks? Guns? The liberating power of a well-groomed beard? Just a thought. The problem with Democrats is they don't understand men. And Republicans? Republicans think every man is an Incel. What a world.
I tell you, folks, the world is ending. And at this point, I’m not even sure I want to stop it. But nevermind all that, because RedStateRoast is now hosting a new reality show: “The RedStateRoast Roast.” That’s right, immigrants competing for citizenship by telling me jokes. And I am not going to lie, after watching how the Left is doing with "comedy", I can promise you that the bar is pretty low.
And here is the best part. The person who wins? Gets a green card. And a lifetime supply of Trump Steaks! The person who loses? Gets deported. To Canada. Where they can enjoy free healthcare, legal weed, and a deep, abiding sense of regret. It's going to be huuuuge. Believe me. (RedStateRoast grabs the whiteboard and storms offstage, muttering about the complexities of free trade.)
(BlueScream, still in her deconstructed-diploma dress, stumbles to the mic, looking like she’s been up all night diagramming conspiracy theories on a Denny’s placemat.)
Thanks, RedStateRoast. Always a pleasure to follow a man who thinks the free market will solve everything, right after he’s finished regulating women’s bodies and banning drag shows.
Well, here we are, folks, another week closer to the sweet embrace of the apocalypse. And I have to ask, what’s the point of having a Surgeon General if he isn’t going to be out there, wrestling alligators and mainlining essential oils? RFK Jr., you had one job! Save us from brain worms, not ostriches!
And speaking of essential things, the Texas Republicans are having a tantrum about Harvard. I can see what is next: they will be requiring our schools to offer prayers to Trump, and if you don’t agree with it, well… you’re gonna be spending a lot of time in prison.
And did you see the new Trump fragrance coming out? It’s called “Debt.” It smells like broken promises, desperation, and a faint hint of tanning bed solution. It’s sure to be a hit with the… discerning… consumer.
And seriously, all this talk about inflation being the fault of immigrants? That is like blaming your dog for your gas. The poor pups can’t help it if they are just following your lead.
Meanwhile, the Senate is planning on changing Trump’s "sweeping" bill. Oh, that is a good one! I bet they are just going to add a few more zeroes onto the end. The GOP’s version of "sweeping" is like using a bulldozer to clean a coffee stain. Sure, it's effective, but you’re probably going to destroy the house in the process.
You know what, just pass the bill! If we're all gonna die anyway, thanks, Joni, who needs Medicare? Might as well enjoy the last days with a solid tax break that barely puts any extra money in my pocket. At least I can use it to buy more survival supplies.
Anyway, that's all the time I have for this week. Remember, folks, stay vigilant, stay informed, and never trust a politician who claims to have all the answers. Especially if that politician is currently trying to sell you a $400 million jet from Qatar. This has been BlueScream’s Descent Into Madness. Goodnight.
(ShadowComic shuffles onstage, tonight wearing a sandwich board that says "Warning: May Contain Facts". He adjusts the microphone, glances nervously at the stack, and begins.)
Alright, settle down, settle down! Or, as the Department of Homeland Security now calls it, “Disperse, you potential biohazards!”
So, another day, another descent into the throbbing, neon-lit abyss of American politics. What’s on the menu tonight? Existential dread à la mode, garnished with a sprig of… well, let’s just say it’s… interesting.
First up, our esteemed leader, the Sultan of Spray Tan, fresh from his triumphant Middle East tour, is now brokering peace between Russia and Ukraine. Apparently, the secret to international diplomacy is just a three-way call and the promise of a Trump Tower in every formerly-disputed territory. I imagine Putin is just thrilled. Finally, a place to park his solid gold submarine and get a decent round of golf in.
And speaking of questionable deals, let’s talk tariffs. Turns out, my friends, that Trump’s “China will pay!” promise is about as accurate as a weather forecast in Florida during hurricane season. Prices are soaring, American businesses are sweating, and Trump is, predictably, blaming Walmart. I half expect him to start tweeting out Walmart employees' home addresses with the hashtag #EatTheTariffs.
But fear not, patriots! Because Trump is a genius, he's figured out a solution. He's declared that the money you’re saving on gas – thanks, of course, to his…uh… masterful energy policy – will more than make up for those pesky tariff hikes. So, yes, you might be paying $10 for a box of cereal, but hey, at least you can afford to drive to the food bank! It’s called trickle-down economics, folks. Only instead of wealth, it’s trickling down… crippling debt.
Oh, and the Republicans? They’ve just passed a new bill that gives massive tax cuts to the wealthiest Americans while simultaneously gutting Medicaid and SNAP benefits. It’s like a modern-day version of “Let them eat cake!” Only instead of cake, it’s…slightly expired ramen noodles. And instead of “let them,” it’s “force them to.”
Speaking of forces… FEMA is preparing for potential funding cuts… because apparently, natural disasters are just “fake news” designed to make Trump look bad. So, if a hurricane hits your town, don’t expect any help from the government. Just huddle together, sing “God Bless America,” and pray that your roof doesn’t end up in Topeka. And, of course, call your dentist for some advice on fluoride-free brushing!
And for those of you who think that all this madness is just a temporary blip, I have some bad news. The Supreme Court, bless their little black robes, has decided to let Trump strip protected status from hundreds of thousands of Venezuelans. Because, you know, what that war-torn country really needs is an influx of people desperately seeking a better life. It’s like sending your grandma to a mosh pit.
Meanwhile, there is this news report that I am contractually obliged to tell you is a conspiracy theory that claims the new Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE) is not just an agency, but a full blown shadow government run by Elon Musk. I know, I know, it sounds bonkers, but just think about it. It makes perfect sense. A billionaire with a messiah complex and a penchant for flamethrowers secretly controlling the levers of power? What could possibly go wrong? It's like giving a toddler a loaded bazooka and saying, "Here, play nice!"
And what is DOGE doing? Well, to start with, it removed 100+ Civil Rights and Civil Liberties Records from the DHS website. You know, in case you were wondering what exactly we are doing in those ICE detention facilities.
Oh, and there’s this one last thing, from Oklahoma. No, I haven’t forgotten about you, Oklahoma. That paragon of progressive thought, is now putting Bibles in every public school classroom! Because what better way to prepare young minds for the 21st century than by indoctrinating them with… well, I’m sure there are some lovely parables about loving thy neighbor. Right after the parts where they stone people for picking up sticks on a Saturday.
(The Geiger counter starts buzzing frantically)
Folks, I’m starting to think that maybe this isn’t just satire anymore. Maybe this is just… reality. And maybe… maybe we should all just move to Canada. Assuming they’ll let us in. And haven't built a new wall along the border, equipped with self-propelled robotic maple syrup cannons.
You know what, I'm going to go apply for it right now. Remember that reality show “The American” where immigrants compete for citizenship? Well, Canada is starting their own version! It is called "The Canadian". And the prize is a citizenship. Oh, and a lifetime supply of maple syrup. Which is probably worth more than American citizenship at this point.
(ShadowComic looks directly at the audience, his face obscured by the hazmat suit.)
So, there you have it. Another day, another descent into madness. Remember, folks, stay informed, stay vigilant, and… maybe start learning Mandarin. Just in case.
Oh, and can someone tell Marco Rubio to shut up about this new plan about deporting Chinese students? I mean, if he wants to get even for what he did to him,