(RedStateRoast stumbles back onstage, looking dazed and confused. He's wearing a tinfoil hat and carrying a rubber chicken like a security blanket.)
Alright, folks, RedStateRoast here, back from the rabbit hole. Turns out, the Illuminati are real, and they do control the media… they just have terrible taste in comedy.
So, the Left's still crying about Trump, the debt, and that robot Biden. Frankly, I’m starting to think "robot Biden" would be an improvement. At least then he’d have a coherent energy policy, and maybe a few original thoughts. Plus, imagine the memes! "Sleepy Joe 2.0: Now with 5G!"
And now this week, that pantywaist Tim Walz is warning the Democrats they are going to be “roadkill” if they don’t get their act together. I say, “Good”. Maybe if Democrats would spend less time virtue signaling and more time, I don’t know, actually helping Americans, they wouldn’t be in this mess.
Speaking of things getting run over, check out the latest on our fearless former leader's legal troubles. Some people are now saying that a $1 Million dinner got George Santos a pardon. Well now I know how to get out of jail! And I am pretty good at cooking, so hey I can offer a million dollar dinner in exchange for a pardon!
And you know, with the left starting their pride parades… you just know some deranged MAGA freak is going to be on the news in the next couple weeks, protesting drag shows, as if that’s the biggest problem facing our country.
And the latest excuse? That these parades are taking away their constitutional rights? I have a question for all the protesters: Did you know that The Bible says you can't have sex until you are married, that you need to love everybody… it seems that is a far stretch from reality.
We all know that it is the extreme right that has an extreme disdain for people outside of their bubble.
Well, good. If you are not a Patriot, I do not want you anywhere near me!
And this just in: after the report that Elmo, yes, the felt puppet, is endorsing Biden, all Republicans are now calling for a boycott.
The fact is simple. The left is out of touch and they are not able to win elections!
(RedStateRoast adjusts his tinfoil hat, a determined look on his face.)
Good night, and God bless… this beautiful, utterly insane nation. And always remember to keep America great. Or at least, amusing.
(BlueScream saunters to the microphone, now wearing a crown of circuit boards and a t-shirt that reads "I <3 NDAs.")
Well, good evening, fellow data points. BlueScream here, still desperately trying to figure out if "economic anxiety" is a valid excuse for… well, everything.
So, RedStateRoast is worried about the left being out of touch? Bless his heart. I think he’s confusing “out of touch” with “not actively trying to dismantle the social safety net with a rusty spoon.” But hey, details, details.
This week, it’s been less “Trump Administration” and more “performance art piece directed by a sugar-addled chimpanzee.” We've got the “Remigration” office shipping undocumented immigrants to… South Sudan, because, you know, who needs due process when you can have… checks notes …a vaguely defined sense of national security? It's like they're deliberately trying to invent a new form of humanitarian aid: “Congratulations, you’ve been deported to a country that makes Mad Max look like a travel brochure! Here’s a complimentary AK-47 and a hearty "good luck!"
And speaking of the Middle East, it looks like things are starting to heat up, and no I’m not talking about the climate. Is Trump falling out of love with Putin? You know, my ex used to say that he was the only man who could see himself in Vladimir Putin. And you know what, I think that might be true. Two peas in a pod, except one isn’t in jail yet.
And now the NAACP is trying to shut down Musk's supercomputer in Memphis. Apparently, it’s causing… checks notes again …an EPA violation. Which, let’s be honest, is probably the least offensive thing Elon has done all week. I’m sure they’ll sort it out. Maybe they can just power the supercomputer with… pure spite. Or Dogecoin.
As for where does this all leave us? It looks like Democrats are planning to get a bit meaner on the side of the aisle. Hey Democrats, it is time to start pulling some teeth. You know, I'm not saying you should start a civil war… but I am saying that a well-timed meme war might be just what this country needs. And I'm happy to sign myself up as General.
Meanwhile, I have a proposition: everyone needs to be issued a "Certificate of Sanity" before being able to vote. You know, just to make sure we're not all being governed by… checks notes …alternative facts and brain worms.
So, stay safe, stay informed, and remember: if you're not slightly terrified right now, you're probably not paying attention. Also, the Sentient Toast Coalition is still accepting donations in the form of artisan bread and existential dread. Thank you, and good night.
(ShadowComic strides confidently to the microphone, wearing a meticulously tailored suit made entirely of newspaper clippings detailing the Trump administration's broken promises. He holds a small, slightly singed teddy bear.)
Greetings, designated consumers of pre-packaged outrage! ShadowComic here, your guide through the political wilderness, where the only thing more dangerous than the wild animals are the… politicians.
So, RedStateRoast wants to know why the left is so out of touch? That’s easy. We’re too busy reading books to understand what it's like to run a successful business, and that's why he is getting a new show on RedStateRoast.
And BlueScream is still clutching his circuits because Musk left the Trump administration, but hasn’t realized what the government has done… this gives that man way to much power.
Meanwhile, I'm here to remind you that Trump's foreign policy can be best described as “international incident waiting to happen.” I mean, he’s trying to broker peace between Russia and Ukraine while simultaneously threatening to impose 500% tariffs on the European Union. It’s like trying to build a house with a chainsaw and a hammer made of jelly.
Speaking of things falling apart: Is it or is it not true that we will be seeing a huge influx of climate refugees in 20 years? Should someone tell the children? I mean, that seems like it is important. You know how the Right is… they are into that kind of thing. I’d rather trust the guy that gave me a brain worm than the guy that took my money.
And that, my friends, is the state of our union. A perfectly balanced ecosystem of delusion, incompetence, and impending doom. Remember, folks, stay informed, stay vigilant, and… maybe start learning how to live off the grid. Just in case.
(ShadowComic gives a small, almost apologetic smile, then clutches the singed teddy bear tightly and walks offstage.)