(RedStateRoast wrestles the mic stand into submission, then squints at the audience through his tinfoil hat.)
Well, folks, the Senate's back in session, which means it’s time for our regularly scheduled reminder that democracy is just a really elaborate performance art piece. And this week's performance is brought to you by the letter 'M' for Medicaid cuts, and the number '41 Trillion,' which is roughly the amount of common sense left in Washington.
I hear Joni Ernst tried to soften the blow of those Medicaid cuts by saying, "We're all gonna die!" Which, you know, is technically true. But not exactly the kind of inspirational rhetoric you want to hear from someone holding the reins of your healthcare. It's like your doctor saying, "Well, the surgery might kill you, but hey, at least it'll be interesting."
And the Democrats are finally noticing? That's nice, but let's be honest. Democrats only "notice" when it's politically convenient for them. It's like they just discovered that puppies are cute and rainbows are gay. Thanks for catching up, guys. We were starting to think you were all raised in a sensory deprivation tank filled with kombucha.
Meanwhile, Trump’s got a brand new portrait. And it’s exactly what you’d expect: a slightly orange, deeply unsettling image of a man who looks like he’s trying to decide whether to nuke a country or order a well-done steak with ketchup. Some say it’s a masterpiece of propaganda. I say it’s just a really expensive way to scare away the pigeons.
Speaking of scary, our favorite Qatari jet is still grounded for repairs. Apparently, even luxury airplanes can’t handle the sheer weight of Trump’s ego. But don't worry, folks, I hear they're installing a new golden toilet, complete with a built-in Truth Social feed and a self-flushing mechanism for… questionable ideas.
And now, an exclusive sneak peek at the upcoming season of the RedStateRoast Roast Reality Show: You'll see tearful refugees building walls, chanting "Build That Wall" in English, and my personal favorite, trying to explain the difference between a conservative and a conservative boomer to a panel of bewildered Gen Z judges. If you want to see this spectacle in person, please donate to "Keep RedStateRoast on Top". Only $100K gets you a trip to El Salvador on one of our luxury Air Force One planes.
And to that, my friends, stay dangerous and keep your powder dry… unless, of course, the government tells you to hand it over for “safekeeping.” Then, you know, maybe just… hide it really well.
(BlueScream appears, dressed in a FEMA-issue tarp fashioned into a couture gown. She’s holding a weather radio that occasionally blurts out fragments of QAnon conspiracies.)
BlueScream here, still trying to figure out if “economic anxiety” is a valid excuse for… well, gestures vaguely at the state of the world …everything.
So, the Senate’s back in session, which means it’s time for another thrilling episode of “How Many Trillions Can We Add to the Deficit Before the Entire System Collapses?” Stay tuned, folks, the suspense is… underwhelming.
And I hear they’re planning to pass Trump’s “big, beautiful bill.” It’s so big, so beautiful, it’s practically bursting with trickle-down economics and tax cuts for the wealthy. Apparently, the secret to a thriving middle class is… making sure there isn’t one.
I'm just picturing those Senate Republicans, huddled together in a dimly lit room, poring over the bill, their eyes gleaming with avarice. "Oh, yes," they’re saying, “this is exactly what the American people need. More tax breaks for the rich and fewer resources for the poor. It’s… biblical."
But hey, at least Texas just banned LGBTQ+ clubs in schools. Because what’s more important than helping kids feel safe and accepted? Ensuring that they’re properly indoctrinated with a healthy dose of bigotry and intolerance, of course! Nothing says “family values” like… excluding entire groups of people based on who they love. I swear, if you give Texas Republicans enough rope, they’ll… well, they’ll probably just use it to tie up some innocent people and then claim it’s for their own good.
And speaking of good, did you know the director of FEMA didn’t know hurricane season was a thing? Apparently, he thought it was just a rumor spread by Big Umbrella. I’m sure that’ll inspire confidence when the next superstorm hits. “Don’t worry, folks,” he’ll say, “I’m pretty sure this is just a light drizzle… or maybe a deep state weather conspiracy. Either way, I’m here to help… eventually. Right after I finish this round of golf with the President.”
But wait, it gets better! This idiot from the FEMA is also claiming to be the best expert on leadership. Oh, the irony! It's kind of like my hair dresser telling me he is an expert on nuclear fusion. At least he doesn't believe in essential oils!
And now a word from our sponsor: Trump’s “Golden Dome” Missile Defense System. Guaranteed to protect you from… uh… something. Probably immigrants. Or climate change. Or maybe just… the truth. Batteries not included. Requires a lifetime supply of… alternative facts.
(ShadowComic appears, dressed as a particularly disheveled and cynical political science professor. He's grading papers with a red pen that seems to be leaking existential dread. A slide projector behind him displays increasingly bizarre diagrams.)
Alright, settle down, class. Or, as the newly rebranded Department of Civic Engagement now calls you, "Designated Recipients of Mandatory Historical Context, Module 7.B: The Inevitable Slide Into Authoritarianism.”
So, let's talk about the upcoming Trump's big beautiful parade. Sixteen million to fix the street and get ready for a parade. They’ll probably just blame it on Biden. I mean the election was last fall!
We will celebrate the greatness of our country! Because it's not enough to be great, we have to perform greatness. It's like putting on a solid gold suit to take out the trash. Sure, you look impressive, but you’re still dealing with… well, you know.
And now, for extra credit, everyone explain what happens when you let someone who is barely literate decide what truth is. No credit for saying that he would find some way to sell it as a crypto currency.
Also, some people are worried that Trump's a Russian spy. You know, because Putin has been all chummy with him. But did you know that it is a 100% certified fact that Kamala Harris intends to take over America and give it to the communist party? That's what I heard on the RedStateRoast Show!
Oh, and the news has been filled with what will happen as Trump prepares to give new powers to ICE? Yes, I am contractually obligated to remind you to get a good lawyer. Because this isn't just about "illegals" anymore, it's about anyone who looks at Trump funny. ICE is now a roving band of legally sanctioned kidnappers, tasked with rounding up anyone who dares to… disagree with the emperor. Also, be careful if you have red hair. Rumor has it the Trump administration believes they attract immigrants.
See, this is why I love American Exceptionalism. We’re not just exceptional; we’re exceptionally creative at finding new and innovative ways to dismantle our own democracy.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go… “re-evaluate my commitment to academic rigor” and by re-evaluate, I mean… drown my sorrows in a pint of fluoride-free artisanal kombucha.
Class dismissed, and may your future be slightly less… historical.