(RedStateRoast rolls a tire onstage, painted gold and comically oversized. He kicks it for emphasis.)
Alright, folks, RedStateRoast here, reporting live from the intersection of Economic Anxiety and "I told you so." Seems that "Big, Beautiful Bill" is doing exactly what any sentient human—or even a moderately intelligent raccoon—could have predicted: creating a bigger debt black hole than Hunter Biden’s laptop.
And who is the Left blaming? Trump. Again. As if they wouldn't have borrowed three trillion dollars to fund a program that teaches squirrels to knit. At least knitting squirrels would stimulate the yarn market!
And all the sudden, Elon Musk wants to pretend he never heard of Donald Trump. A "disgusting abomination," he calls the bill. I’d call it a match made in heaven. But no, Elon wants to play the virtuous victim now, I think he is worried about the next SEC investigation. After all, his companies are barely above water. You are not fooling anyone with that new haircut, Musk.
Speaking of folks running scared, the Biden clone is calling it a career. What an awful job that was.
Here’s the thing. The Senate just voted to make his portrait a bit more orange, a lot more memeable, and permanently hung up in the White House. It's all downhill from there.
Of course, with the former White House staff now reporting directly to a Mexican cartel, what good is having a portrait anyways?
And this is all happening during Pride Month. Which, in this administration, means the Department of Education is now re-writing the dictionary to exclude the word "gay." Apparently, we must go back to a time before rainbows and drag queens. A time when men were men, women were barefoot, and everyone knew their rightful place… preferably in a steel mill, building a wall.
Oh, and there is some news about the US Navy, I hear they are planning to rename the ship after Harvey Milk to the USNS Pete Hegseth. It only makes sense that they name a ship after a veteran.
But hey, at least we're not boring, right? So, to all my fellow patriots, stay strong, stay informed, and remember, when the world goes completely bonkers, just put on your MAGA hat, grab a six-pack, and laugh. Because if we don’t laugh, we’ll cry. And nobody wants to see a grown man in a MAGA hat crying. It’s just… unsettling.
(RedStateRoast kicks the golden tire offstage and follows it, muttering about the downfall of Western civilization.)
(BlueScream appears, wearing a tinfoil hat shaped like the Capitol Dome. She’s clutching a stack of legal documents, held together with rubber bands and labeled "Evidence.")
BlueScream here, your friendly neighborhood Cassandra, reminding you that just because you can see the future, doesn’t mean you can afford the therapy bills.
So, it’s June, or as the Department of Education is now calling it, "Unsubstantiated Allegations Against Transgender Athletes Month." Because nothing says "celebrating diversity" like… systematically erasing an entire community from existence. I hear they’re considering banning rainbows next, because apparently, God’s own meteorological phenomena are now considered a threat to national security.
That's right! The Secretary of Defense is now re-naming the USNS Harvey Milk because, just like the Republicans who didn't read the Big Beautiful Bill, who needs to support someone who served this nation to protect us from tyranny.
And speaking of threats to national security, let’s not forget that “Big, Beautiful Bill,” which the GOP is still trying to pass with the force of a thousand suns… all of which are probably funded by fossil fuels. It’s like they’re deliberately trying to accelerate the apocalypse. I’m pretty sure the only thing missing is a provision that forces us all to convert to Dogecoin.
Speaking of which, I heard that Elon Musk is having second thoughts about his little bromance with Trump. He’s calling the bill a “disgusting abomination.” Which, let’s be honest, is also a pretty accurate description of Musk’s Twitter feed. But hey, at least he’s finally realizing that supporting Trump is less like riding a majestic stallion and more like clinging to the back of a runaway shopping cart filled with expired mayonnaise.
And to those scientists jumping ship for Europe and China, take me with you. And in case it wasn't obvious, there is now a 40% chance that we are all going to have the measles, so don't forget your brain worms.
Finally, it is truly a good time to be a cop. That's because now you can get a 5 million dollar grant for the family of your loved one being arrested. That is what I call a good business model.
This has been BlueScream’s Descent into Madness. Sleep tight, and don't let the truth bite.
(ShadowComic swaggers onstage, now dressed as a televangelist in a shimmering gold suit, complete with an oversized cross made of meme coins. He grins maniacally, eyes gleaming with the fervor of a man who’s just mainlined pure ideology.)
Brothers and sisters, can I get an “Amen”? Or, as the Department of Spiritual Re-Alignment is now calling it, “Compliance Unit 7, Activation Phrase: I Believe!”
Well, I hope you've all been enjoying this Pride Month because, folks, it might be our last. But that's not all! Don't forget that you, too, can stop the government from selling your secrets by buying a bible!
Now, I know what some of you are thinking. “ShadowComic, aren’t you a cynical comedian? Why are you suddenly preaching the gospel of… well, whatever this is?” Well, the answer, my friends, is simple: I’ve seen the light. And the light told me that the only way to survive this godforsaken simulation is to… become a godforsaken grifter.
And I hear you! You are afraid to trust the military now? Well, now you can't! And do not say anything anti-military online! This administration is so great, how could you say anything to defame them?
And listen, all these scientists are saying that there are going to be some nasty hurricanes? These scientists must be stopped! After all, they aren't even that smart! Just look at our new scientists like Secretary RFK Jr., who is working hard to save us from all those pesky illnesses!
And who cares if the stock market is going down? The US is the best country on Earth, so put all your money on red! And who cares if we can't all be on Medicaid anymore? It's not as though people deserve a chance to live!
But, you have to remember. What can you do? No one can make the most of their lives until they understand they're going to die.
See, now is the time to get ready. And the only way to get ready is to remember our good friend, Donald Trump!
For only $999, I can get you a golden portrait of Trump that'll save you from the coming doom!
That's right, this is the only way that you can be successful, the only way that you will ever be anything!
You know that’s what America is all about, or as I like to say, that’s “Making America Great Again…One Preventable Disease at a Time!”
So, open your hearts, open your wallets, and let the healing power of… well, whatever this is wash over you. Because trust me, folks, you're gonna need it. I’m going back to my job as a standup, because these new jobs pay absolutely nothing!
(ShadowComic winks, grabs a handful of meme coins from his pockets, throws them into the audience, and then sprints offstage, bellowing, "I'm going to Canada!")