(RedStateRoast, adjusting his now askew tinfoil hat, eyes the audience with suspicion.)
So, I see you’re all still here. After last week, I figured I’d be reporting to an empty room, or worse, a room full of… journalists.
But hey, the circus continues, doesn't it?
This week, in a move that will shock absolutely no one, President Trump has declared war on… well, Harvard. Apparently, educating foreigners is now a threat to national security. And I thought "The Bachelor" was bad for our international standing.
And for all of you that think it is right - let me tell you where you’re wrong. This is because now, the only foreigners visiting America are the ones who are trying to get away. Not that this is going to be a problem, because people will not be going to the United States again in 10 years.
But that's not even the craziest part. The craziest part is that the Education Secretary can't name a black person that went to a separate school. She's out there pretending that Harvard is woke! Look, I’m no fan of gender studies departments, but Harvard has been pumping out elites for centuries. I don’t know if the administration is doing this on purpose, but by making the people in charge seem like they have no idea what they are doing.
Speaking of cluelessness, Trump’s planning to take $4 billion from California’s high-speed rail project. Because who needs efficient transportation when you can have… more wall? It's so weird to take money from this project because all of the sudden they are having problems. What's that they say about the best laid plans of the Lefties?
And the punchline? That money isn’t even going to the wall. It’s being spent on something called a "Golden Dome" missile defense system. Which, I’m assuming, is just a giant disco ball that will blind incoming ICBMs with sheer fabulousness. If the golden missile dome goes up, that means the next world war, will be our last.
Of course, if you don't like the new tax plan, get ready to be deported to El Salvador. Don't worry - our prisons are luxurious.
So, I hope you all are ready, because there is a new sheriff in town and America is about to become a very very strange place. You’re going to look back on this in 50 years and think this was the good old days!
(RedStateRoast sighs, pulls a rubber chicken from his pocket, and stares at it blankly.)
Well, that’s all the time I have for today. Good night, and remember, if you start seeing flying saucers, just assume they’re Chinese drones and shoot them down with a shotgun. (RedStateRoast shuffles offstage, still cradling the rubber chicken.)
(BlueScream strides to center stage, now sporting a full-length, shimmering gown made entirely of canceled student loan applications. She adjusts her tinfoil crown with a sigh.)
Well, hello there, fellow survivors of… well, gestures vaguely at the burning dumpster fire that is 2025 …this. BlueScream here, still desperately trying to decide if the apocalypse will be televised, or if I’ll have to rely on carrier pigeons for my news.
You know, sometimes I feel like I’m living in a dystopian novel written by a committee of sugar-addled chimpanzees. Except instead of chimpanzees, it's just… the Trump administration.
And that, my friends, is where the real horror begins.
So, Trump has decided that the best way to make America great again is to… ban foreign students from Harvard. I can’t even say that without laughing. It's like he thinks the key to our national security is… intellectual isolationism. I'm sure Putin is thrilled to get some young, talented workers that can contribute. I have to wonder what we are going to do with all of that extra money?
I don’t know about you all but I never got around to going to university, but let me tell you. If I was to have gone the very first course I would sign up for is how to steal the most votes. You know, like they do on the Right.
Speaking of the Right, apparently, even they are starting to get sick of Trump’s “Big, Beautiful Bill.” Elon Musk, bless his perpetually-confused heart, has called it a “disgusting abomination.” Which, coming from a guy who single-handedly revived the flat-earth movement, is really saying something.
But Elon is right, because that money is better sent to me. I have a revolutionary idea, I'm gonna sell all my earthly possessions to invest in brain enlargement surgeries so my brain can fit a larger number of AI programs.
And now it’s a fight to the death between these two. I sure hope it’s broadcast to all of our devices, because I would pay good money to see those two punch it out, especially if it was broadcast on TikTok.
So, as always, stay tuned, stay cynical, and remember: the only thing more terrifying than the news is the realization that this is our new normal. And in case you forgot, the Sentient Toast Coalition is still here, and we may or may not be planning a revolution… with gluten-free bread. It's a bold strategy.
Oh, and since we’re talking about the end of the world, has anyone tried the new Trump Steaks? They’re made with 100% artificial intelligence, which means… they don’t exist. And they’re probably still over-priced!
(ShadowComic strolls to the mic, dressed as a frazzled census worker, clipboard overflowing with papers and a look of utter defeat.)
Evening, folks. Or, as the Department of Euphemisms now refers to you, “Statistically Insignificant Points on a Rapidly Decaying Graph.”
So, the Senate is back from recess, bless their hearts, and they're "tackling" Trump's budget. Which is like tackling a greased watermelon on an Olympic ice rink... while blindfolded. Sure, they're trying, but the end result is likely to be a lot of flailing limbs and an even bigger mess than before.
And speaking of messes, Trump's "One Big Beautiful Bill" has already created more paperwork than the entire history of the IRS. Because what's the point of cutting taxes for the rich if you can't simultaneously drown the poor in bureaucratic red tape? Efficiency!
Did you hear that the bill would add 2.4 trillion to the deficit? They are going to need to start selling Greenland, because I think it’s time for them to raise all the money they can find.
Speaking of being a statistician, I had the pleasure of heading door to door, and asking people about their lives.
How is it going? I would ask, with my most sincere tone.
Some say they are doing great, because Trump has a new strategy to cut our deficit! Some say we can get better lives if we get in shape or join the army.
But most of them think this is it. The end of the line. They just can't make heads or tails of what is happening, and all they know is it’s bad! I mean.
"What does the government want?" I would often hear people asking, "why are you after me?!" And listen - I think I'm in with them! I don't know that much math.
Now here’s this bill he is trying to pass that says the only people that can be the President are the ones with a ton of money! If you don't have enough, I don't think you're gonna fit in here. And that also means I am never going to be in charge. Is that not bad? It’s something that our ancestors fought in the war against!
And that, my friends, is why I’m trading in my clipboard for a one-way ticket to… well, somewhere that still believes in things like “facts” and “basic human decency.” I’m thinking Iceland. Or maybe just a nice, quiet cabin in the woods with a lifetime supply of fluoride toothpaste.
Thank you all for your time and it's a pleasure to be getting out of here.
(ShadowComic sighs, throws his clipboard into the audience, and exits.)