(RedStateRoast emerges, wearing a full-body hazmat suit, but this time it's made of recycled aluminum foil. He carries a Geiger counter that's clicking wildly.)
Greetings, patriots… and those of you still clinging to the tattered remnants of your sanity. RedStateRoast, reporting live from the radioactive wasteland formerly known as the United States of America.
This week, it’s all about trade, folks. Or should I say, tradegy. President Trump is now in London, attempting to negotiate a trade deal with China… and I use the word "negotiate" loosely. It’s more like a hostage situation, where the hostage is the global economy and the ransom is a lifetime supply of MAGA hats.
The details are still murky, but I hear the Chinese are demanding that we replace all U.S. currency with Dogecoin. Which, honestly, might be an improvement. At least Dogecoin has a picture of a Shiba Inu on it. What does the dollar have? A dead president? Snooze fest.
And speaking of dead presidents, can we talk about the fact that Trump is now calling his political opponents "vermin"? Apparently, we're not just snowflakes anymore. We're now… rodents. I guess that makes sense. After all, we're all scurrying around, trying to find scraps of food in this increasingly dystopian hellscape.
The Left is clutching their pearls, predictably. They're saying it’s "dehumanizing rhetoric" and a "slippery slope to genocide." Folks, it’s just a metaphor! Besides, what better way to deal with a rat infestation than… a flamethrower? Just kidding, FBI.
On the bright side, that "Hageman bill," that would effectively ban non-English-speaking truckers, is all but guaranteed to cause massive shortages of everything from toilet paper to Trump Steaks. Remember folks, Trump says he loves the poorly educated. What better way to show it than by kicking them out of the country?
And here's some good news. You know that reality show, The RedStateRoast Roast? Turns out, it's been cancelled. Apparently, the idea of making immigrants compete for citizenship was a tad too… on the nose. Ironic, isn’t it? We’re now too woke for our own satire. What a time to be alive. I’m told I’m being sent to Djibouti as punishment, but I’m fairly certain it’s just a cost-cutting measure.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go stock up on iodine pills and canned goods. Because if history has taught us anything, it’s that when the world goes completely bonkers, the best thing you can do is prepare for the end times with a smile… and a well-stocked bunker.
(RedStateRoast waves, then scurries offstage, the Geiger counter clicking faster and faster as he disappears.)
(BlueScream shimmies onstage, now wearing a full-body sequined burqa in the colors of the American flag. Her tiara has been replaced with a small, revolving golden calf.)
Greetings, infidels, and welcome back to Despair Hour, where we’re not afraid to ask the tough questions, like: Is this the end times, or just a really, really bad acid trip? And more importantly, does anyone have any Funyuns?
So, today’s news is brought to you by Project 2025, the Heritage Foundation's plan to transform our government into a dystopian fever dream run by… well, mostly people who think the earth is flat and vaccines cause autism.
I have to ask, have you all seen the plan they are talking about in the White House? There is one part where they want to make sure there is no pornography. At all. Why? Because the Bible tells them so! And what is the solution? Simply to go to other countries and censor them too! So that your kid just can't accidentally watch it.
But where does the fun come from? At least we can be entertained!
And I want to know what all these different people are talking about and saying about the upcoming elections. I think it's high time for some more celebrities to run for the White House and Senate so we can get more of it done! Because all we are seeing is people with no qualifications running all of the different organizations.
There is just one thing the scientists, the journalists, the economists, and the regular people can agree on: the United States of America is just on the verge of collapsing.
And it just keeps getting more and more crazy. Did you hear the head of the ADL is comparing college students to ISIS? ISIS! I guess chanting "Free Palestine" is now equivalent to… beheading journalists and enslaving women. I’m starting to think the only thing separating us from a full-blown theocracy is… the First Amendment and a rapidly eroding sense of sanity.
And all you MAGA folks just need to realize this: you are just too stupid to understand that our government is a group of crooks. Also, why are you suddenly obsessed with the well-being of African Americans? I didn't hear a peep about "What about the black people?" over the last, I don't know, 500 years.
But hey, at least there’s a silver lining. The Proud Boys are suing the U.S. government. For 100 million dollars. Because apparently, storming the Capitol and trying to overthrow democracy entitles you to a generous settlement from the very taxpayers you tried to… overthrow.
I'm starting to think the only way to survive the next three years is to just… embrace the absurdity. To find joy in the chaos. To start a cult of our own, worshipping the Sentient Toast Coalition and spreading the gospel of artisanal bread.
Because let’s be honest, the world is a dark and terrifying place. But it’s also… kind of hilarious. In a bleak, gallows-humor kind of way.
So, thank you all for joining me tonight. Remember, stay informed, stay cynical, and for the love of God, don’t drink the Kool-Aid. Unless it’s infused with high-end vodka. Then, maybe consider it.
This has been Despair Hour. Good night, and may your brainworms be… well… not as bad as RFK Jr.’s. I'm told they'll help you think.
(ShadowComic, sporting a full-body suit of those miniature American flags you find on cupcakes, shuffles onstage. A single, mournful trumpet plays "Taps" at half-speed.)
Greetings, designated units of socio-economic despair. Or, as the Department of Creative Re-Sentencing insists I call you, "Participants in the upcoming Citizenship Hunger Games… sponsored by Trump Steaks and reverse mortgages."
So, has everyone enjoyed RedStateRoast and BlueScream? Good, because it might just be the last time that there will be anything left to look forward to in this world!
And that, sadly, is why I am joining these shows. With the new and totally legal and ethical and well-planned and well-thought-out Supreme Court law, I, as a man of immigrant descent, am about to get hit with a one way ticket OUT!
And what is one supposed to do in times like this? As RedStateRoast so eloquently stated, do the hippies know what is to happen to them? Are they ready for the world that is about to be brought on?
The new policy in America will be to punish anyone who says anything negative about America. It is a great time to be alive, what can I say?
Meanwhile, our Secretary RFK Jr. is hard at work, not at the FDA, of course. He's doing what any good scientist would do, and working to convince Canada not to cull a flock of ostriches. Apparently, the greatest threat to American freedom isn't tyranny; it's… avian flu.
Did you hear the latest? What did Trump accuse Musk of? Why, he has been a “Trump supporter” and he knows that there will be no problem by doing so!
You know what is going to happen. They will both start calling each other weird names, but this will be a part of a plan to take over the whole world.
That is, of course, until we remember that this is just the end.
But what does that mean for the rest of us? For now, there are two things that we must do.
First, be like President Trump, and create a reality TV show to get us out of this mess. Why is it only Kristi Noem that gets to have this type of fun?
And second? There’s nothing to do. The end is nigh!
(He sighs dramatically.)
Anyway, I'm off to… well, I don't know where I'm off to. Probably Djibouti. Or maybe just a quiet corner in the metaverse where I can live out my days as a sentient rubber chicken, safe from the prying eyes of the Department of… whatever they’re calling themselves these days.
Good night, and may your final moments be slightly less beige… and slightly more… hilariously absurd. Because honestly, folks, that’s all we have left. And I will miss you all. Good bye.
(He falls to the floor.)