(RedStateRoast stumbles to the mic, still in the tattered Revolutionary War uniform, but now he's also wearing a "Make El Salvador Great Again" fanny pack and has smeared sunscreen on his nose. He clutches a dog-eared copy of Atlas Shrugged.)
Alright, alright, settle down, you… you beautiful disaster capitalists. RedStateRoast here, fresh from my latest fact-finding mission. This time, I went undercover as a… shudders… a librarian. Let me tell you, those people are organized. Organized like a socialist honeybee colony, I tell ya.
Anyway, I'm hearin' all this talk about the National Guard, the illegals, and it's just… it's gettin' to me. This ain't the America I signed up for, folks. And when I say "signed up," I mean, watched Rambo a bunch of times and bought a lot of ammo.
Look, the root of all this ain't in LA, it ain't in El Salvador, and it sure as heck ain't in that golden-toilet-lovin' swamp in DC. It’s… it’s the elites, I tell ya. The globalists. The ones that think they know better than us, the salt-of-the-earth, flag-wavin', freedom-lovin' patriots.
This Elon and Trump spat? That's just a sideshow, a distraction. Like that guy said before, the show is “The RedStateRoast Roast”. While we're all lookin' at the two biggest egomaniacs in the galaxy duke it out, they're stealin' our freedoms right out from under our noses.
They’re playing chess, folks. Four-dimensional chess, with our lives as the pawns. And we’re all just sittin’ here, eatin' Tide Pods and watchin' Netflix.
(RedStateRoast pauses, takes a swig from a suspiciously-labeled water bottle.)
This all goes back to the “Big Beautiful Bill,” y'know. Everyone's complainin' about the national debt, but lemme tell ya, that's exactly what they want. They want us dependent on the government, beggin' for scraps. That way, they control everything. They control our healthcare, our education, even our thoughts. Remember, the US Treasury just announced it was moving to drop the penny? It's all designed to make you think that the government is coming to save the day.
Yeah, that's my opinion, and I'm not changing it.
They're gonna make us a one-world government, where we all eat bug paste and live in pods and… and…
(RedStateRoast trails off, a look of genuine fear in his eyes.)
...And we’ll have to make the soy.
No, that’s not it.
What was I saying?
(RedStateRoast shakes his head violently.)
Never mind. The important thing is, stay vigilant, folks. Stock up on ammo, canned goods, and… and… copies of Atlas Shrugged. Because when the end comes, the only thing that's gonna save us is… self-reliance. And maybe a really good shotgun. And the RedStateRoast Roast Reality Show.
And never, trust a word that those government shills try to sell you. The only thing that is real is that Trump says is real. The only people you can trust are your immediate circle. Be wary of everyone else.
(RedStateRoast straightens his tinfoil hat, grabs the microphone a little too tightly.)
And remember, the real enemy isn’t the immigrants, or the Democrats, or even Elon Musk. It’s… it’s the system. And the only way to beat the system is to… become ungovernable.
(RedStateRoast looks directly into the camera, a wild glint in his eye.)
…And I may just have to start my own country.
(BlueScream strides to the microphone, now wearing a crown of circuit boards and a t-shirt that reads "I <3 NDAs.")
Well, RedStateRoast is still talking about the elites, and you are out there complaining about the weather? I am going to tell you right now what the problem is: it's the algorithms, baby!
(She adjusts a stray circuit board on her crown, sending a shower of silicon chips onto the stage.)
See, it's not just about Trump, or Musk, or even those creepy lizard people everyone keeps emailing me about. It's about the data. They're hoovering up everything we do, every click, every like, every late-night Google search for "symptoms of brain worms" - and they're using it to build these… profiles. Digital doppelgangers that know us better than we know ourselves.
And who controls the algorithms? Big Tech, naturally. And who controls Big Tech? Billionaires, shadow governments, and probably some really smart hamsters running on tiny treadmills in a secret underground bunker.
(She pauses, looks directly at the sky, then leans conspiratorially into the microphone.)
Don’t tell anyone, but I think Hamsters might be running the stock market.
And that’s why all these people are fighting over the pieces. This has nothing to do with anything we can see! And I, with my experience in the social media space, understand this better than anyone. All of the protests, the laws, the new agencies, it’s a waste of time if you don’t control the feed. They control the feed, they control your reality.
I was at the White House and I saw how much the former President and his aids cared about what was being said on 4Chan! It didn’t matter what the truth was, it mattered what was being said. So they used the data to get people to say what they wanted. And all it took was one meme to stop them from thinking about how to start an oil business.
And that's why they're trying to rewrite all our laws. You think Project 2025 is about taking away your rights? It's about rewriting the code. Changing the parameters of the simulation. Defragmenting your brain so you only think what they want you to think. Just one small twist here and there. That’s why they are so afraid of the teachers. Those teachers are teaching how to think, and not what to think.
(She checks her clipboard, flipping through pages scrawled with equations and diagrams.)
They are testing if they can rewrite how all those algorithms determine what to think!
Look at this. This is what the White House now thinks is a “strong” individual: you must always be on, must always be saying the right thing, you must always be generating data. They think that’s enough for them to win.
So what does it all mean? It means we have to learn to game the system. Embrace the chaos. Become… ungovernable. Only way to do that is to stop having a digital footprint, but here I am talking to you on stage.
(She trails off, suddenly looking lost and uncertain.)
I… I think I need to get off the grid. Live in a yurt. Learn to speak dolphin.
But no, hold on.
(She snaps back to focus, a manic gleam in her eyes.)
No, that's what they want you to do. Disconnect. Disengage. Cede the digital territory to the algorithm overlords.
We need to fight fire with… data. We need to become the algorithms. We need to learn their language, exploit their weaknesses, and…
(She pauses, a realization dawning on her face.)
…We need to build our own platform. A truly decentralized, uncensored, AI-powered… thing. I'm gonna call it… RealityCoin. A cryptocurrency backed by… well, by the sheer force of our collective will to break free from the Matrix! I know someone who can make a cryptocurrency, he's gonna hate me for this.
(She pulls out a small, crumpled piece of paper, scribbling furiously.)
Look for the ICO in Q3. Early investors get a free tinfoil hat and a lifetime supply of artisanal bread. And you didn’t hear that from me.
This has been BlueScream's Algorithmic Awakening. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some coding to do. And a yurt to buy. Good night!
(ShadowComic strolls confidently to the microphone, a twinkle in his eye, sporting a brand-new, impeccably tailored suit made of… wait for it… patent leather. It squeaks faintly as he moves.)
Evening, citizens! Or, as the Department of Cynical Realignment now prefers, “Probable Casualties of the Glorious Revolution, Batch 47 Alpha: Recyclable Assets.” ShadowComic here, your friendly neighborhood… policy wonk? Let’s go with that.
Alright, so RedStateRoast is off in La-La Land with his bug paste and tin-foil hats, and BlueScream is busy trying to code a way out of reality using artisanal bread and dolphin clicks. Bless their hearts, they’re trying. But you can’t fight an economic crisis with tinfoil and good intentions. You need… spreadsheets.
(Taps the clipboard he's holding, which, upon closer inspection, is covered in complex flowcharts.)
Let’s talk about this Trump-Musk feud, shall we? RedStateRoast called it a distraction from the real issues. BlueScream thinks it’s a data war, because she's the one you want to consult if your world is ending. Both wrong. It’s a merger. A hostile corporate takeover of the American mind.
You see, Trump and Musk aren't fighting; they're just negotiating. It's a classic power play, folks. A carefully choreographed dance of ego and capital designed to consolidate their control over… well, everything. Now, let's start from the beginning:
Think about it: Trump needs Musk’s tech savvy. He wants to create the best "America's Got Talent!" And Elon and Trump can use each other to get to the finish line.
Trump just needs the clout to make this all come true. He can threaten Elon all he likes, but everyone knows Elon loves a good dose of “cancel culture.”
What I’m trying to say is that our leader has no clue what he’s doing. He is just going to get it to work somehow.
That is what it is going to lead to if we do not do something right now.
But here’s the kicker. It's not just about winning. It's about losing… profitably. It’s about shifting blame, manipulating markets, and positioning themselves for the next big grift. And what grift is bigger than the collapse of the global economy, and the rise of an authoritarian tech-ocracy? The way it will all happen is that you’ll find a few things, and you’ll think it’s a great thing. The next thing you know, you’re gonna be getting some data, and then they are gone. Then it is nothing.
(He adjusts his patent leather suit, which creaks ominously.)
But they are about to make some brand new data!
(He leans into the mic, dropping his voice to a conspiratorial whisper.)
That's why I've started studying AI. See, I'm no longer just a policy wonk. I'm a… a digital survivalist. I’m learning to code, to encrypt, to… well, to outsmart the algorithms. And I may have made a bad decision. I have a lot of AI experience now, and I might be able to get into this show that Kristi Noem is planning.
(He pauses, a look of dawning realization on his face.)
You know what? The reality is, if she gets all those people deported, then I can make AI programs to make them all come back! That’s how I’m gonna win the revolution!
Because when the digital dust settles, the only thing that will matter is your ability to… well, to speak the language of the machines. To wield the power of code. To… redistribute wealth in the form of meme coins. I know, it sounds crazy, but hey, crazy is the new normal.
(He throws the clipboard into the audience and strides offstage, his patent leather suit squeaking defiantly.)