(RedStateRoast shuffles to the microphone, a single bare lightbulb swinging overhead, casting stark shadows. His tinfoil hat is now supplemented by a colander, and he’s clutching a well-worn copy of the Turner Diaries that looks like it’s been through a war – possibly one he was planning.)
Okay, okay, settle down, settle down! You think all this… gestures vaguely …this “protest” and “trade war” nonsense is real? You think Trump and Musk are really fighting? Ha! You’re all just pawns in their game, I tell you! A game for the soul of America!
(He takes a long, shaky breath.)
See, all this talk about what's going to happen to the economy is wrong, because we are not in an economy! We are in a war of information! Did you see, did you hear about Elmo endorsing Biden? See, it's the beginning. A red puppet! We had a red president and everything has gone bonkers since so the whole red puppet world has gone bonkers!
And all this talk about the Supreme Court… the Deep State is playing the long game, people. Think about the children. How do we make sure they're safe? They can't be vaccinated, and who is going to help them, that's my question! There have to be answers, and I think I am going to get them, because The Truth is out there.
And while all you sheep are arguing about what color MAGA hat to wear, they're rewriting the history books, replacing the founding fathers with… with… glitches… you know, that’s why our reality show got cancelled! They don't want us speaking the truth!
You see, everyone needs to know is that the 700 marines are going to be there to defend from the people coming to DC, the people who can see through it all, they want our guns for sure, to kill them all. I almost started this one and it got bad.
(He pauses, looks directly into the light, almost as if he sees something only he can.)
I’ve been looking at the diagrams I am almost there. It's all in the numbers. The numbers in the bills, the numbers in the executive orders. It all adds up to… to… a single, earth-shattering truth!
(He slams his fist on the podium, making the bare lightbulb swing wildly.)
They are trying to bring about the Rapture! That's what it is! But a FAKE Rapture, staged by the New World Order to weed out the True Patriots and leave the rest of humanity to…to… shudders… transgender elves! They will kill our children and take them to a different place to do it! And so I have to say that everyone here needs to buy a gun and be ready to be ungovernable, as I always say.
(RedStateRoast's eyes are wide, his voice rising to a fever pitch.)
And what are the requirements for this new world order?
(He pauses, a look of dawning horror spreading across his face.)
All that has nothing to do with the economy at all! The economy is a joke. Look at the Bible for your answer, not your wallet!
That’s it!
I have to go, they know. I know that 50% on steel. I know what's in the Bible. I think the new world order is getting closer! They are coming, so that means you should be leaving! If I come back, it doesn’t mean what you think it means. I'm here to tell you that I am here for the end. So that mean it's the end.
(BlueScream adjusts her tinfoil crown, a slight crackle audible from the built-in microphone. She eyes RedStateRoast with thinly veiled amusement.)
Thanks, RedStateRoast. Always a pleasure to follow a man who thinks the free market will solve everything, right after he’s finished regulating women’s bodies and banning drag shows.
You know, all this talk about China and Russia and what they're doing. Okay, fine. I don't disagree, per se. But frankly, it’s amateur hour. We are not gonna get invaded, what's coming is so much more insidious. No, the real threat… the real existential threat… is in our data plans.
And remember, all this talk from President Trump about the 50% tariffs on steel, and everything else. What do you think that is going to be doing for you? What are you even going to do with steel, anyway? If we are going to be buying things that will help us survive, then we should all be getting into aluminum!
(She adjusts a stray circuit board on her crown, sending a shower of silicon chips onto the stage.)
You all need to know!
I’m here to tell you what to do. I used to be on the internet! I got good! And then I thought I’m just tired of all of this, so I gave it up! Do you think that makes the problems just go away? No!
But remember what these people are doing at the end of the day. It’s the algorithm. Not just the algorithms that determine our politics. It’s the data that runs everything. Our medical records, our credit scores, our… dating profiles. And let’s be honest, folks, in this economy, finding a compatible partner is a bigger challenge than defeating the Chinese Communist Party. I mean, have you seen those dating apps? They're designed by algorithms that want you to be miserable, so you can spend money. Just a few thoughts on the topic that need to be said out loud.
Anyway, a federal judge just said that we are going to have new laws for all of our children, but what new law are they going to make? Make it easier to get married?
I think now that everyone is just saying we are all going to die sooner it’s like they are just trying to distract from things. They are using the national guard to come out to the protests, and it is something very bad to do.
And you know I was thinking about it, if Harvard is just supposed to be a school for a secret cult and there just trying to take all of the information out of our minds and bodies then maybe what Trump is doing is right. Maybe we should burn it all down!
I should be clear that I would never be able to do that.
But what about all those things those people said about Bill Gates? Is he still paying people under the table? That seems like a very bad thing to be doing.
But let me tell you there are no good answers out there on the world right now. Everyone is going to have to make their own decisions and to be good with whatever might come about.
I’ve decided to start my own political group. It’s called the “Sentient Aluminum Coalition.” Our platform is simple: we believe in tinfoil, we oppose senseless violence, and we’re pretty sure the earth is… mostly round.
We’re currently accepting donations in the form of aluminum foil and existential dread. (Closes the box.)
But seriously, folks, it’s not all doom and gloom. I mean, at least we have the Cannes Film Festival. Oh wait, they banned nudity on the red carpet. Because apparently, the real obscenity is… human bodies. Not, you know, the slow erosion of our democracy. The world needs people who want to be good, and that might be you. So go out there and have a good day. (BlueScream looks directly into the camera, a mischievous glint in her eye.)
(ShadowComic swaggers to the mic, adjusting his designer stubble and flicking imaginary lint off a tastefully tailored but slightly too-tight suit. His voice drips with the practiced confidence of a tech CEO who's just nailed a TED Talk.)
Okay, look, let's cut the crap. RedStateRoast’s off in the woods looking for lizard people and BlueScream’s crocheting a Faraday cage for her router. Fine. But you’re both missing the forest for the trees. The real power play isn't about politics or conspiracies; it's about market share.
These National Guard deployments? The Trump-Musk feud? It’s all just content, folks. Raw, unrefined, Grade-A engagement fodder for the attention economy. We need to be talking about CPM, cost per mille. CPMs for hate, outrage, and political division. This is what those guys are doing.
BlueScream says the threat is in our data plans? Please. Data is just the new oil. The real money is in controlling the pipeline. And that's where the show that everyone has been talking about comes in. It’s going to be the next biggest thing on TV. Immigrants and reality stars. You make that a thing, then you got it.
Trump’s not trying to start a civil war, he's just a content machine. He’s trying to juice up engagement. He understands, on some primal level, that controversy sells. That hate is sticky. That outrage is the new black.
I saw some news that there is a plan to make laws about what can be taught to children in school. What is that about? How are we going to teach our children about the future?
RedStateRoast here says they are gonna change the curriculum. But the deal is that they are not even really teaching them anything to begin with. What is this show even about?
And you know what the worst part is? Is that it is totally working.
There are other big problems they aren't going to talk about.
This is what they are doing to make sure all of you go to the show. They are not doing anything real at all, but what are you supposed to do about it?
It's like everyone is living in a bad movie!
If they get all the rights for what's in your mind. You want to build a new show as well? How will you be different than all the ones that are out there? You need to have an X factor, and you need to really know how to be in charge and be a boss.
You know, I almost feel bad for the immigrants on “The American.” Almost. But let’s be honest, they’re getting a platform. Visibility. A chance to become… influencers. And that, my friends, is the real American dream. It really is. You get to make it or not.
But there is just one problem, they are all getting deported when the show ends.
It isn’s easy to build an audience if you’re living in a detention center somewhere, that's a fact.
(Adjusts his tie, a brief flicker of… something… crossing his face.)
Look, I get it. This all sounds cynical. Machiavellian, even. And maybe it is. But I'm not here to sell you sunshine and rainbows. I'm here to tell you how the game is played. And in this game, attention is the new currency. And the only way to win is to… disrupt. To innovate. To… monetize the apocalypse.
And the only way to do that is to build your brand. So start practicing your pitch. Find your niche. And for God's sake, get yourself a good social media team. Because in the coming digital dark ages, the only thing that will matter is your ability to… go viral.
(ShadowComic gives a wolfish grin.)