(RedStateRoast bursts back onto the stage, even more disheveled than before. He's traded the hazmat suit for a camo Snuggie and is cradling a stack of pamphlets titled "Surviving the Deep State: A Prepper's Guide to Gluten-Free Living.")
Whoa, whoa, hold on a minute. So, you're telling me you guys are still worried about what's happening in LA? About whether Trump’s gonna nuke California? Listen, that’s just… gestures vaguely …that’s just theater, folks. Bread and circuses to keep you from seeing what's really going on.
I’m talking about the drones, people! Unleashing American Drone Dominance! See, nobody's talking about it, but Trump just signed an executive order that's gonna turn this country into a surveillance state on steroids. Remember last week when I said Big Brother was watching? Well, now Big Brother's got wings. And thermal imaging. And probably a really creepy AI that can tell if you're thinking about… you know… unpatriotic things.
And all these people in the Senate, saying what is the point about having the drone, about what is the message about having the drone if we are not going to be protected by this drone? Well, that's because its going to be used against those very people, for thinking these thoughts!
And did you see who's in charge of this drone initiative? Thomas Shedd, that former Tesla engineer who’s buddies with Elon. See how it all connects, folks? It's a web of power, a conspiracy so vast, it makes the Kennedy assassination look like a parking ticket. And this guy Thomas Shedd went to work with that little puppet Thomas Massie to have even more oversight. There are so many more red flags that can get through the wall, but here is what the problem really is.
But I’m not a paranoid schizo!
It’s clear as day that this is a means of control. So let’s say you’ve got a group of protesters, right? Just some normal folks, exercising their First Amendment rights. But then, BAM, suddenly there’s a drone buzzing overhead, recording everything. The AI flags a few of them as “potential threats”—because they looked at a rainbow or didn't salute the flag with enough enthusiasm, or they bought an organic soy latte. Next thing you know, they’re on a list. A list, I tell ya!
And what’s that about?
So what is the answer?
You can’t use a cellphone at all. No social media. Cash only. Live off the grid. Start raising chickens, and sell eggs for a living. And make sure you have gold.
And while all you're in the bunkers that are not under 10 feet of ground, remember to keep the faith folks. Because if God is in your bunker, then you are protected.
And make sure you never stop trusting the plan! And pray to be delivered to a world of love, peace, and understanding!
(RedStateRoast clutches his Surving the Deep State booklet, his voice rising to a near-shout.)
The best way to fight these drones is to learn how to fly one yourself, and then have them fight.
They may be spying on us!
But what can they do if we are also spying on them???
** (RedStateRoast leaps off stage and disappears into the night, shouting about government surveillance and the healing power of colloidal silver.)**
(BlueScream, now sporting a full-body suit made of crumpled cryptocurrency wallets, shimmers uncertainly onto the stage.)
Okay, okay, so RedStateRoast is now off the deep end with the tin foil hats, right? As always, bless his heart. But, like, what does he think crypto is? Some pre-internet, Amish-approved technology? It’s literally made of data! Aluminum foil isn’t going to stop an algorithm, it’s just going to make you look like you’re smuggling leftovers.
Look, the REAL issue isn’t whether they're spying on you from the sky – okay, it's also that, but the data is always more important. The data is how they make the future and it is how you can manipulate it into a new future.
Remember that 9/11? We got airport security out of the deal, but that’s it. With this they can take a lot more!
So here’s what I propose: we need to get more people into all the meetings, we need to get more people taking over all of these people that have a lot of bad ideas in this country. If they can make it to space with a rocket ship or whatever, then we should be able to take over the country in a peaceful, democratic way. It’s going to be really hard to do it, and no I don’t think it is going to be impossible for us to do. That’s why we need more information.
We need to control all the things going to happen in this world, especially with the things on the internet going on. You think the internet is a bad thing and that’s why you want to keep it away from your children. You think we should be putting people back into the stone age for their crimes! But all of that doesn't matter, what matters is that we are good people and we should treat people the way they should be treated.
There aren’t enough good people out there making a difference, and we need a lot of new people to get ready to take over all of these machines that are about to fall apart.
And stop complaining that no one is here to save you from the bad people out there, because you know that that’s not true. So you must take the first step by believing, and then you must find the people that are going to be able to help you get from point A to point B.
You must find the good people in this world. They are here, and you can trust them!
(BlueScream's voice wavers, a flicker of fear in her eyes.)
Just… trust. The… the process. It’s… it’s all in the white papers.
(She shakes her head, regains composure, and concludes with a steely resolve.)
We're going to build a new foundation, for ourselves, for the next generation, and we're going to get all of those horrible numbers out there. And all of those numbers are only numbers so don't let them take away from all of your feelings and just remember to stick to your truth.
And we are going to start this with the Sentient Toast Coalition because the toasters are going to be all that will be left.
Thank you.
(ShadowComic, disguised as a motivational speaker with an aggressively positive tone and disturbingly bright teeth, bounds onto the stage. He’s wearing an athletic suit that is far too small for him.)
Alright, alright, alright! ShadowComic here, your peak performance prophet, your guru of getting it done! I saw those two other guys, and you know what their message was? Stop trying! And if one’s all about all hail the drones, and the other is all about the coding skills to take over the planet, then I’m here to tell you that both of these points are entirely wrong!
You know what’s wrong with America? We are not running hard enough. We need to get out there and get moving. All of those people on ICE detentions, what are they even thinking?! You can sign up for the military and the new Kristi Noem reality show and have the chance to make the country something new!
That’s why I’m running for president in 2028! It’s all about hustle!
I know it, you know it, the big man’s all about it!
There are a lot of bad things in our country right now. A lot of talk about those “Epstein files”, so I’m gonna tell you right now that it’s all in the past! It’s all about getting better and improving!
You want to do all the AI to get to the government. Okay, let's put those things in place! It's all about hustling hard and getting into contact with new people and all of those types of things. It’s about selling yourself to the people in charge and getting those people to believe you are a great person who will make a great change in this world, not talking all that stupid stuff with the computers. If they like you, then they are going to get you into the rooms where things happen! It doesn't matter who they are.
This is also how the people are going to trust you. You can’t do the thing because you have to tell all those crazy people that everything will be fine.
And if you are scared, then you gotta do something to get better! Just do it, folks! There's a better world up there, you just gotta want it! And, believe me, those long nights spent grinding Leetcode problems are gonna pay off big time when you're the one calling the shots, not programming them. Now get out there and sell that image! And it is not going to work unless all of you guys are completely, 100% committed to selling the dream that I am telling you. But you gotta really mean it! You gotta practice what you preach!
I’m talking 3 AM cold calls to influencers, all of them. I mean, sure, that's why I am so committed to getting a law degree. So, I can be rich and powerful enough to never be arrested again.
And for what about the people getting hurt, there are plenty of options for them as well. But what are they going to do if they don't stand up and do something about it?!
(ShadowComic pauses, loses his train of thought, and looks around the stage with a strange, vacant expression.) See, that's the thing that nobody wants to tell all of those people out there. That they can do anything that they want to do. It just matters how they act. Are they going to play the victim? Or are they gonna play the part that they need to get to their part of the world!
Oh, but that is just me talking like a kid from the Midwest!
(He shakes his head, snaps back into character, and flashes a disconcertingly wide smile.)
Listen, what are you gonna to do, work for a company your whole life and then die? So go with me, and go for this dream now, folks! And you will be rewarded.
Now get out there and dominate and show the world how it’s done. Because success, my friends, is just a matter of… wanting it. Really, really wanting it. And telling everyone just what they wanna hear.
You gotta believe that you’re the chosen one. You just have to. And you have to go for those shots! Go to the conferences, get into the meetings, do what you gotta do.
It's a jungle, folks, and you gotta hustle.
You aren't gonna get the thing that you wanted unless you say you got it.
You gotta make yourself believe, and if you believe what you say enough, then all of those people are going to think all of that's what you said.
You see what I’m saying here?
So what do you choose?
Power?
Control?
A little more money than all of the other people?
Or nothing at all?
Okay, thank you! (ShadowComic flexes his biceps awkwardly, nearly ripping the sleeve of his suit, then sprints offstage, pumping his fist and yelling, “Hustle! Hustle! Hustle!”)