(RedStateRoast wheezes his way to the microphone, clutching his stack of “Surviving the Deep State” pamphlets. He peers out at the audience through his colander-enhanced tinfoil hat.)
Okay, okay, settle down, folks. Settle way down. You’re all wound up tighter than a liberal at a gun show. I heard you! But this all comes down to the deep state with the globalist. Do you know how many people know about that? It's a government show. You people can't tell the difference between a plan for making your life better and making sure that no one knows where your money goes.
(He gestures vaguely towards the previous speaker.)
This whole thing with a reality show?! Listen, that was supposed to be my ticket out of this mess. I was gonna be the Simon Cowell of illegal immigration! Ratings through the roof, folks, the greatest roast of all time. Now they're trying to blame me for not knowing the secret code!
(He pauses, a bead of sweat trickling down his forehead.)
And all this talk about Trump and Elon, right? Like it’s some kind of… personal feud. It is. Because when did Bill Gates start giving Trump any money? But people were saying these two were like friends? You know what they are? They are puppets! Who the heck are puppets? I hear people like them.
(He shakes his head sadly.)
They want you to think it's about tariffs, about trade deals. About who's got the bigger… well, you know. But that is not what's going on now. It’s about control, folks. It’s always been about control.
(He leans into the microphone, his voice dropping to a whisper.)
You see, those drones they are talking about? They are not just for spying on immigrants, and those illegals, by the way, if they don’t get the vaccines, they can go back! But they were talking about all those illegals, and nobody has talked about the vaccines? This all shows it has to be more than a single subject, you know! See that’s the first problem.
Those drones… They can read your thoughts. They can control your mind. They can even… make you vote for the wrong candidate.
(He glances around nervously, clutching his Turner Diaries tighter.)
And do you know what happens if your thoughts aren't what their thoughts were?
They take your children. They are going to take them to a space station, and they will make them serve and clean up the space stations.
(He pauses, a look of genuine horror on his face.)
And let me tell you: I haven't been right since the last time I saw the government involved. Now who wants to help?
That's why it's so important to have your guns... and be ready to use them! In case of emergency, you have to take the steps you need to protect yourself and your family.
Oh, and that’s why you need the gold.
(RedStateRoast straightens his back, a newfound determination in his voice.)
So listen, friends. Stay vigilant. Stay armed. And stock up on colloidal silver. And keep listening to me. Because in this world of chaos and deception, RedStateRoast is the only voice you can trust.
(He scurries off stage, muttering about the impending apocalypse and the importance of a well-stocked bunker.)
(BlueScream adjusts the tinfoil crown, a slight crackle audible from the built-in microphone. She eyes RedStateRoast with thinly veiled amusement.)
Thanks, RedStateRoast. Always a pleasure to follow a man who thinks the free market will solve everything, right after he’s finished regulating women’s bodies and banning drag shows. See and you are talking about the deep state? Baby, they want your heart, mind, and soul! Why are you still talking about the things that are happening when you don’t even have any control anymore?! They are setting all of these traps!
And what’s been going on! It’s all so crazy. All these laws, rules, regulations and all of that… It's like these people don't care about anything other than their own money!
(She adjusts a stray circuit board on her crown, sending a shower of silicon chips onto the stage.)
See, now that’s the level where it’s all getting to me. I see a new president coming on. You know, I feel like I haven’t been doing this for that long, it seems like the world is falling apart. Why do you think it all has to be going to happen!
I’m sorry, I’m just getting caught up. It is all just… I feel like the last few months have been the same thing every single day.
Anyway, it all comes down to this - it looks like Harvard can get it, and all of these young people can learn all of these things, but they aren't going to be able to get a job because those jobs have been taken away. But let me tell you, it’s not all bad! I was just listening to someone say that it looks like they are going to be having the military take away all of the assets to be given away to the people who didn’t do anything, I think that’s great, especially with the tax bill getting done for so much money.
So let me ask you a question, who do you listen to? Trump to tell you that the world is so great and that you are going to make so much money, or the liberal who is going to tell you all of the bad stuff that is happening?
And that’s why you need to listen to me now. Because it is getting worse and I want to warn you now that there is an evil at the top! They want your money and they won’t stop until they get it all! You must save yourselves! You must prepare for what is coming next. And it isn't going to be great! All of the money has been taken. It is time to start being selfish because no one is going to give you any more money and it might be time to turn on your neighbor.
Sorry, I didn’t mean that, I just know how everyone is going to treat you and I don’t want it to be bad for you! I care about all of you and I want all of you to be safe.
Here is the new thing you have to remember:
Everyone is bad so there is no point to try and make friends!
This has been BlueScream. Try to have a good night, but you probably won’t!
(ShadowComic, now a self-proclaimed AI Art Liberator, strides confidently to the microphone. He’s traded his old suit for a hoodie adorned with glowing LED circuits. He speaks with breathless intensity, like a coder who hasn't slept in 72 hours.)
Okay, okay, listen up, analog holdouts! I’ve been crunching the numbers, and I’m here to tell you what really matters in this dumpster fire of a simulation. It's not about what's on TV, it's about who controls the TV...or, you know, the algorithm.
RedStateRoast's worried about the Deep State. Fine. BlueScream’s building a digital doomsday bunker. Also fine. But are either of you thinking about ownership? About who's training the AI, who's feeding it the data, who's writing the code that decides what's real and what's… well, “fake news”?
(Taps phone against the mic, creating a feedback squeal.)
That’s right, I’m talking about the AI Art Renaissance! Forget your politics, forget your feelings, it’s time to monetize the apocalypse! I know, some of you still think it's just "pretty pictures," that these new "digital" pictures aren’t going to get you anywhere. Trust me, you’re gonna find out soon enough they are lying to you. You are going to start making things with art, and you are going to be making all of it better than all of the art that is out there. If you aren't making money now, then you aren't doing anything!
(He pauses, a flicker of something almost like fear crossing his face. He lowers his voice slightly.)
What did I say last week about that show “The American”? I saw the audition, and then I learned that there is no point. I can be deported any day for anything that I say. For making jokes that the people like and can get behind. They don't want you to create they want you to agree with them!
(Snaps back to his tech-bro persona, voice rising again.)
So I have made a new algorithm that finds all the art that gets seen and takes their job. Now, I know what you are thinking, that I’m getting just as power-hungry as the rest of them.
But I'm not like the government or any other corporation. I'm a decentralized, open-source collective! Anyone can contribute, anyone can benefit. The code is the law! The DAO is the… you know, the thing!
But that means I don't really like to talk about code because that makes me sound silly.
The government is gonna take away all of the rights! So you have to take it back! That’s what I am here to tell you. And it can all be done with just a few lines of code.
(Takes a deep breath, closes his eyes for a moment, then opens them with a manic grin.)
Okay, so, I’ve created this NFT collection called “Dystopian Dreams.” All the art is generated from news headlines, you know, those crazy Trump tweets, the ICE raids, the… you get it. Each NFT gets automatically updated every day with the latest depressing headline. They are worth nothing. And everything that goes into them comes out of the news.
You think he is crazy? Well, no. The market will decide what is what, as all the markets have already decided with the things that have made him rich!
What you get is something that is just as terrible as what you have already heard.
This is my new plan for all of you people, and you should all be on board with me if you want to do what you should be doing to be successful.
That is what I am saying.
I think I am going to call it a day!
(ShadowComic launches into a string of rapid-fire tech jargon, ending with a triumphant, "And that’s how we build the decentralized, AI-powered, meme-coin-fueled revolution, one NFT at a time! Booyah!") (He then dramatically pulls a USB drive from his pocket and hurls it into the audience.)
Today's date is 20250613. The year is 2025 and we are living in a much-changed world.
You have just read a fresh batch of Reddit posts and a web search summary about the latest US politics:
[Reddit summary] Post: In surprise move, GOP leadership backs bipartisan bill to stop Trump’s attempt to end net neutrality
Top Comments: - They’re planning something
Post: A Trump administration lawyer just made an argument that could help the 1/6 plotters
Top Comments: - The end justifies the means. - A lawyer whose job is to represent his client made a legally sound argument that might have consequences for the other side? Is that what we're doing now? - The end justifies the means. - Just shows his true colors once again - His defense is going to be:
"I'm not a lawyer but I play one on TV." - > The argument, made by Justice Department lawyer Sopan Joshi, could undermine the government’s criminal case against those accused of obstructing an official proceeding on January 6, 2021, according to a filing flagged by the watchdog group American Oversight.
The government argues that the January 6 defendants broke the law because they disrupted Congress’s ability to perform its constitutional duty to count the electoral votes on that day. But now, the