(RedStateRoast shuffles to the microphone, his voice hoarse, clutching a tattered copy of Atlas Shrugged. He’s clearly been up all night, fueled by conspiracy theories and gas station coffee.)
Okay, folks, folks, settle down. I know, I know, it's hard to stay calm when the world's going to hell in a handbasket. I’ve been up all night, you know, connecting the dots, and let me tell you, it's even worse than you think.
All this chaos, right? The National Guard in LA, these "No Kings" protests? It's not just Trump being Trump, alright? This is all part of a larger plan, a globalist plot to… to… well, I haven't quite figured out the exact endgame yet, but trust me, it's not good. It involves… um… adrenochrome harvesting… and… and… maybe a… a… a flat Earth hologram! It's all coming together, folks!
And did anyone else notice how Noem just happened to give a speech in California about liberating that state? What is the real goal to be accomplished by the state that has been under attack?
The thing is: It is a global issue. They are trying to take money from the citizens that they want and have a war!
It reminds me of a time when the elites were trying to tell everyone that there was a big problem and there were very few people working to try to have peace in the world. Everyone was crying for the same thing, but just didn't have enough money and everyone was not getting by.
See what they are doing is what the same people are doing.
(He coughs, adjusts his colander hat)
It's all designed to break us down, to make us dependent on the government, to… to… make us eat the bugs! They want to control every aspect of our lives. Our food, our water, our… our… thoughts! You think I'm crazy? Do a little digging, alright? Look into the Georgia Guidestones. Look into Agenda 2030. Look into… well, don't look into that website, it's probably a honeypot.
(He pauses, glances nervously at the wings.)
But seriously, folks, think for yourselves. Don’t just blindly follow the sheeple, alright? Do your own research. Question everything. And most importantly… trust your gut. Your gut’s probably the only thing that hasn't been compromised by fluoride and… and… the liberal agenda!
(RedStateRoast's voice cracks, a flicker of doubt crossing his face.)
…Alright, I gotta go. I think I hear drones. And… and… the government's trying to tell me that birds are real.
(He scrambles off stage, clutching his pamphlets, leaving the audience in a state of bewildered patriotic terror.)
(BlueScream, cynical millennial, nursing a White Claw at the edge of the stage)
Okay, RedStateRoast, my guy, I appreciate the, uh, passion, but this ain’t a B-movie from the fifties. It’s not lizard people, it’s data. It’s algorithms, man. It's like, you're complaining about the vinyl siding on your house when the foundation is crumbling, you know?
Look, I get that you guys are all about "personal liberty", but what is that even mean in 2025? You’re free to choose between six different brands of gluten-free organic kale chips while the AI bots are mapping your genome and predicting your next bowel movement. Like, congrats, you're free to starve ethically.
It’s not about control, it’s about prediction. It’s about knowing what you’re gonna do before you even know it. And, by the way, those are probably the same people running all the data.
It’s like there is another election coming up that nobody has even heard about before. We are all just standing here hoping that all of the people will be able to come out and do something, but it is just going to be a test of power to see if all of these people think that they can get the chance to win in 2028.
It reminds me of a time when I met this guy on tinder! He seemed really great on the outside, but at the end of the day, I realized he was a complete robot! All that was coming out of him was a bunch of buzzwords that didn’t help in the real world.
All of these people are just trying to sell you something, they don't care about you at all!
You think that AI is just some techy thing that’s going to make your toaster smarter? That’s adorable. AI is the new opiate of the masses. They're spoon feeding us personalized realities, curating echo chambers, and selling us back our own desires at a premium. And what is even crazier is that with our new Surgeon General all we care about are the animals. I want to know what is going on with all of the humans!
All you gotta do is look at these dating apps!
I know that everyone here is saying the world is ending, and that’s just how it is! I want to say that it is what it is, but we gotta put our feet down!
And look at you, what are you going to do? I am just as bad!
You know, sometimes I feel like we are all just lab rats that are running around in a circle hoping that we will be able to get all the stuff that we are working so hard for!
You know, my grandma always said, "This too shall pass." But she also thought Beanie Babies were a solid investment strategy, so like, I don't know. If we are all going to die then it is just gonna be that, you know?
All this crazy talk about secret space lasers and globalist cabals, it’s just noise. What we really need to be worried about is who’s controlling the algorithm. We have to realize that! It is also very bad for you!
Because that, my friends, is the real conspiracy: they’re selling us back our own desires at a premium. And no one is saving me, and no one will end it. So go for it! Or don't, I don't care.
(BlueScream exits with a dejected shrug.)
(ShadowComic, as a policy wonk, adjusts a pair of horn-rimmed glasses perched precariously on his nose. He speaks with the measured cadence of someone who spends way too much time reading CBO reports.)
Alright, alright, settle down, you… you beautiful chaos agents. RedStateRoast's rant about globalist lizard people and BlueScream's talk of AI and the matrix... I admire the creativity. I really do. But let’s be honest, people – that’s not the problem in this country today. You want to know what's really scary? Unfunded mandates.
(Gestures vaguely with a manila folder overflowing with spreadsheets)
I mean, seriously, we're talking about a situation where the federal government is ordering states to implement policies without providing the necessary funding. It's like telling a restaurant to serve lobster thermidor but only giving them enough money to buy ramen noodles. What am I supposed to do?
You know it reminds me of back when I was working towards a finance degree, there were all of these people coming out and trying to do what they really wanted to do, but they just didn’t know what they needed to do to make it happen. Some of them, like me, were pretty good and had some money, but a lot of them were really just shooting themselves in the foot. I bet those same people are trying to sign up with that show Kristie Noem is running.
So, what does that mean for you, the average voter? Well, it means your property taxes are going up. It means your schools are getting defunded. It means that the state government is now forced to prioritize what's important, and what are they going to choose?
(Squints, adjusts his glasses again)
See, this is why I got into politics. Not for the power, not for the glory, but for the… granular detail. The intricate web of regulations, appropriations, and… oh God… municipal bonds. It’s beautiful, really. Like a perfectly balanced spreadsheet, just waiting to be… utterly destroyed by a toddler with a crayon and a penchant for executive orders.
I mean, the National Guard, that is a great example. They are being forced to be in town, and the people that really want it are having the right to do it. Or that there will have to be a show with all those people at this!
All they did was sign up for it so they can do something that is real.
(Voice cracks slightly, a hint of panic enters his tone)
I know. But what is a person supposed to do? No one ever asks about the other things! I have all of these plans, about how to make new things to benefit our world, but it seems that it’s all that people are worried about.
The bottom line is this: We can’t let the crazy stuff distract us from the boring stuff. We gotta keep our eyes on the budget, people. We gotta demand accountability. We gotta… read the CBO reports! I know, I know, it's dry. It's dense. It's filled with enough jargon to make your head explode. But that, my friends, is where the real power lies. I don’t even think Trump has read it either, and that is why things are going so badly!
And that is why I am starting to realize that the most important thing you can do is do something that is completely terrible and awful and horrible. That is what matters, and if you have those people on your side then you are gold.
I have tried to get into that side of the machine, but I didn’t make it. And that is just the way it is.
Good night.
(ShadowComic fumbles with his folder, scattering spreadsheets everywhere, then shuffles offstage, muttering about "baseline projections" and "dynamic scoring.")