(RedStateRoast stumbles to the microphone, looking even more disheveled than usual. He’s wearing a "Make El Salvador Great Again" fanny pack over his tattered Revolutionary War uniform, clutching a well-worn copy of the Turner Diaries and a half-eaten corn dog.)
Alright, alright, settle down, you… you beautiful, doomed patriots. RedStateRoast here, with some actual freakin' truth, not the watered-down, sugar-coated garbage that the media, and apparently some of the other comedians, are peddling. I mean, they’re up here talking about parades and trade deals and what RFK Jr. is saying.
Trade deals?
Folks, we are talking about the END. IS. HERE.
But, but all this commotion is for a reason and it's all connected - what's at the core? What the real truth. What those are all trying to distract us from is that the election happened five years ago and we are still talking about it!
It’s no longer just about Trump, or the National Guard. We have to get ready for the new government! The new leaders are here for all of us and they are going to destroy our world if we don't see this.
That’s why it is not a good thing to hear them!
Have you folks heard about these new gold-backed crypto coins the other side are trying to make? They are not what they seem and if you buy them, you are going to be a fool.
It is an evil way to corrupt children with the idea that we have to give a damn about money. All that matters is that God loves you, and you should go to church. If you go to church for money, you are a sinner!
Anyway, I am going to be leaving because I now know that those with the most money are going to be the ones who can help us. Make America medieval again.
(BlueScream adjusts the tinfoil crown, a slight crackle audible from the built-in microphone. She squints suspiciously at RedStateRoast, then addresses the audience, her voice a mix of millennial weariness and digital mania.)
Okay, RedStateRoast, I appreciate the… enthusiasm. But you're missing the point! It's not about lizard people or the gold standard, it's about optics, man. It’s about constructing a narrative that distracts the data-illiterate masses while the real game is happening behind the scenes.
You're focused on the pennies, and they're stealing the blockchain.
So, what’s been keeping me up nights this week, aside from the existential dread and the ambient hum of 5G? It’s the parade you’re all worried about but aren’t seeing at all.
It's an entire parade that's just getting them in front of the tv. You're all worried about the guns, the tanks? They just want you to look and see it!
But the real parade is the data.
The real parade is the march of the algorithms, baby! It's the same kind of technology that knows that the best kind of bread is gluten-free artisanal sourdough!
It's the data, it's all the data.
And the only reason that any of you can even breathe is because you are following the data.
The real show is how they're using that parade and this “election” to gather intel on potential dissenters, building profiles, tracking movements. It's like Minority Report, but instead of preventing crimes, they're just trying to suppress dissent before it even coalesces into a coherent thought.
(She pauses, fiddles with her phone, almost dropping it)
And the scary part? It's working. We're all so busy arguing about the "culture war" and who's more virtuous that we're not even noticing the digital dragnet closing in. It's like they’re feeding us an endless stream of reality TV so the world can watch us.
I had a dream that all of those people that are at my local grocery store at this moment. I woke up and I felt so empty. They aren't here to make any friends, but for the data and their information!
You talk about getting those people ready to do it right, but they want to make sure that the world doesn’t know that they have the greatest people, but it’s just not true because all the best people want to get away from them.
Look, I get it. It's tempting to disconnect, to retreat into a yurt and wait for the apocalypse to blow over. But that's what they want you to do. They want you to self-censor, to silence yourself, to cede the digital territory to the algorithm overlords.
(Her voice cracks, just for a moment)
Because if you’re not in the system… then you can’t see how it is working…
But we’re all in it. And it never ends. No, no we can’t.
(She rallies, pushing her glasses up her nose)
That’s why we need a new form of digital resistance. Not just memes or hashtags, but a whole new paradigm. It is a new form of digital capitalism! And that is a good thing. It is all about the connections you have.
The next thing that is going to happen is the new algorithm is going to tell you that they are going to be stopping people. They're going to be stopping people that don't do exactly what they want.
It's like, if they can sell a burger, so there should be 2 sides. No wait that's not right.
There are all sorts of options out there and you can come up with the right decisions! You are all smart enough. But it starts with you believing that it's not too late. You know, something I just read said “We are no longer useful” That means the people who are in charge are not useful to you, because if you are useful to them, it’ll be a whole lot better.
It’s time to hack the algorithm of our own minds. Because that's the real freedom. That's the only freedom that matters.
(BlueScream stares intensely into the middle distance, a new glint of digital defiance in her eyes. She raises her White Claw in a toast, a silent promise of code and chaos)
(ShadowComic, now as a world-weary high school history teacher in an ill-fitting tweed jacket and perpetually clutching a stack of ungraded essays, shuffles to the mic, sighing heavily.)
Alright, alright, settle down, settle down, you beautiful, soon-to-be-overwhelmed graduates. Or, as the Department of Economic Re-Structuring insists we call you, “Units of Future Workforce Participation, Cohort 2025-2045.”
So, RedStateRoast's worried about morality, BlueScream’s concerned with algorithms, and that other guy is going to start a new reality show to get us all with him. You know what? I’m worried about context. About historical precedent. About the fact that we’re seemingly doomed to repeat the same damn mistakes over and over again, like a particularly annoying history textbook.
(Adjusts glasses, peers wearily at the audience)
I mean, let’s talk about these protests, shall we? Everyone's talking about what’s happening now, the National Guard, the ICE raids, the… well, you know, the general vibe of impending doom. But nobody’s asking why. Why are we here, again? Oh, that’s right, it's because the government is trying to do something, and some people don't want it, and now we have to pick a side.
This isn’t a new phenomenon, people. This is what happens when a society forgets its own history. “Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.” Santayana, look it up. I'm getting so tired of saying it, it's my new catchphrase.
You say that like it means something?! If I have to say it one more time, I’m going to send you to the principal’s office.
And did you all hear what’s going on with the new show? That show being used to help you and me not have a bad day anymore. That just isn't the way it is. There is more to the world that just that.
(Opens the manila folder, pulls out a dog-eared essay)
Take, for instance, the Civil War. A nation divided, states’ rights versus federal authority, economic anxieties, social unrest… Sound familiar? Sure, the players are different, the technology’s a bit fancier, and instead of slavery, we're arguing about, you know, digital identities and algorithmic bias. But the underlying themes, people, the underlying themes are… eerily consistent.
(Sighs again, louder this time)
And this brings me to my biggest concern: The loss of historical literacy. The fact that we’re churning out generations of graduates who can’t tell the difference between the Magna Carta and a MAGA hat. Who think that “checks and balances” is something you do at the end of a bank statement. Who apparently think the National Guard is better utilized wrestling senators to the ground, and not putting out wildfires? You know it is all about that power, why are we fighting about it?
(Closes eyes for a moment, takes a deep breath)
Because without a firm grasp of history, we’re doomed to repeat the same mistakes. To fall for the same old demagogues. To trade our freedoms for… well, a slightly cheaper meme coin and a promise that the government will take care of you, but maybe just not you?
(Looks directly at the audience, his voice softening)
So, here's the thing. We all know what has been done to them. And it seems we can’t fix it with some new technology we can make, and if we don’t do the basics, what is even the point?
Well, what about the children!
I’m all about our world getting better, and all that kind of stuff, it is just that what we have is still a long way away!
That is all. Thank you.
(ShadowComic bows his head, gathers his papers, and shuffles off stage, leaving a palpable sense of historical doom hanging in the air.)
Today's date is 20250614. The year is 2025 and we are living in a much-changed world.
You have just read a fresh batch of Reddit posts and a web search summary about the latest US politics:
[Reddit summary] Post: New Trump-Appointed Inspector General Investigating Mar-A-Lago Classified Documents Case
Top Comments: - So, if you're reading this from prison, you should know that at least there's a chance your conviction might be over turned due to Trump appointing someone to investigate it. - Lol. He just can’t help himself. - This is why he had to be president again! - Well that's convenient! Now it'll be easy to cover up everything. - Just to be clear, the government is not investigating someone, a guy that Trump appointed is "investigating it".
There is a difference. - This is his justice. - This is why the DOJ needed to be completely purged. So they could investigate themselves. - Oh that’s gonna be a short investigation. - Remember to have an open mind while looking at this investigation... - I've seen enough, the fix is in - "No matter how corrupt, greedy, and disgusting he is, he will never be held accountable for his actions."
This should be on the American flag. - Yeah, I mean, I know it’s not a competition, but that’s a pretty blatant middle finger to every standard