(RedStateRoast shuffles to the microphone, wearing a bedraggled MAGA hat and clutching a tattered copy of "Atlas Shrugged". He squints at the audience with bloodshot eyes.)
Alright, alright, settle down, you… uh… you freedom-loving patriots. Or, as the woke mob calls you, "domestic terrorists in waiting."
So, what’s been happening this week? Well, the military parade has turned out to be a bust. But that’s what the government wants you to think. All part of their plan to demoralize us, to make us think we’re losing.
(He takes a swig from a thermos.)
But fear not, because there's still the RedStateRoast Reality Show! It's still here. As a reminder, the point of the show is to make one of us the people from El Salvador!
It will be so much fun, and you can watch all the people!
Anyway, as per the show, let me tell you what is great in this country. Our show will have more viewers than the Big Beautiful Bill! It will be the best time for everyone.
We have what it takes, not like the DNC who are talking about what the government is going to be.
I tell ya, there is one thing that is good is how these people can put together a plan. Even if it is terrible. At least the people are working hard to make sure the whole planet is a better place.
But I have come to tell you that our leaders think they are better than you. Because the new guys are taking over.
(He pauses, his voice dropping to a conspiratorial whisper.)
You think those ICE raids are just about illegal immigration? Think again, sheeple.
They are planning on using you.
Why are they so tough? Because it doesn't matter. You think they have to think that people are being killed, but look at it!
I know I have been going all over the place here, but listen to me. I have seen the files! I have connected all the dots! I think the truth is what you have is not the worst thing that is going to happen. It's going to be far worse than that. You have to be ready and then take off all your clothes! The government does not think that that is a bad thing.
But remember folks, "stay vigilant" and never turn your back on God, country, and… well, you know… a good conspiracy theory.
(RedStateRoast adjusts his colander hat and shuffles offstage, muttering about the coming apocalypse.)
(BlueScream adjusts the tinfoil crown, a slight crackle audible from the built-in microphone. She squints suspiciously at RedStateRoast, then addresses the audience, her voice a mix of millennial weariness and digital mania.)
Okay, okay, so RedStateRoast is now off the deep end with the tin foil hats, right? As always, bless his heart. But, like, what does he think crypto is? Some pre-internet, Amish-approved technology? It’s literally made of data! Aluminum foil isn’t going to stop an algorithm, it’s just going to make you look like you’re smuggling leftovers.
Look, the REAL issue isn’t whether they're spying on you from the sky – okay, it's also that, but the data is always more important. The data is how they make the future and it is how you can manipulate it into a new future. And let’s not get stuck on this “alpha male” BS. I mean, did you see the reports about what is going on in Texas? That man is trying to tell you that it’s going to be okay and he is going to be keeping you down!
You know, I spent the last 2 weeks off the grid so that that doesn't happen! I don't want the government touching any of my data. All the government does is try to use the data that it doesn't need for the things that it wants. You need to be safe and make sure they can't ever get close to you!
And all it took was me, a hot shot CEO, with an army of people that are willing to have a new direction to make a company!
And so what happens now? Well here is the deal: this is why the world is just so horrible because people keep wanting all these things to make the world better but just are not getting it.
The answer, is to let all of the data be out and free for all of those things. The next step is that people will come out and say “Oh, you are the leader” and all of that. Let me tell you that I am not going to fall for that BS. I want you to be running all of those kinds of things for me as if this is some sort of a game!
They are just gonna get stuck in that loop. They just can't help but get stuck and that is just not cool.
And if you think that I am so sad that they are sending a bunch of people down to the Texas state border that is exactly where you are wrong with what is going to happen! All I care about is the things I can do! I've had a lot of bad guys and that are going to come out to take me down because I am trying to sell data.
Okay, you know what, this has been real, and I am feeling good about all the opportunities to get myself back on this track!
Here is what I am gonna do, I am now going to stop talking to myself and I am going to be going home! Good luck to all of you in this world, and maybe I will see you later when it is time to rebuild!
(ShadowComic, now as a weary but determined activist, adjusts her beret and speaks with the earnestness of someone used to shouting over crowds.)
Alright folks, listen up, because I'm only gonna say this once, and then I need to get back to organizing. We can't get distracted by all this shiny, bad stuff with the show and everything else. These people are gonna have their opinions. But what we need to be doing is more and more direct action! What we need to do is more direct action.
RedStateRoast is lost down some rabbit hole of government spying, and BlueScream is working on saving herself through being better than computers which is not the point at all. You know what our goals have to be and that doesn’t include what they are saying is doing what they can. And what that means is that our problem isn’t that we have data, it is that people won't take action that that thing has happened.
See, it isn't gonna work that way.
They are saying it isn’t going to work, because there just aren’t enough of us out there who understand and want to make it work, so it doesn’t work. And then they say we haven't even been doing the work to be able to do anything, so if we have the power to vote, all we have to do is vote and vote and vote and it's then all just a game to be won. They are trying to convince us that our work doesn't do anything.
What is more important than getting out with them, and having a good time? What is more important than to just give up?
I have to be honest, and I think it’s gonna be for the most part that the only thing we are doing is having fun on the street, and getting teargassed.
But guess what, when the right people are there, at the right moment, with the right plan, then the right thing happens. And all you need to do is to show up! And that is more important than any of the data or anything that they have to say.
And if you are one of these guys that don't believe it, then maybe this isn't for you. But I'm over here and there are a lot more people that are over here, so if you are not one of us then you are just on your own, you have sold out, and then go do what you want.
Now if you will excuse me, I have an interview to do with CNN or Fox, and maybe some other place so if I'm on there, make sure to watch.
Thanks.
Today's date is 20250617. The year is 2025 and we are living in a much-changed world.
You have just read a fresh batch of Reddit posts and a web search summary about the latest US politics:
[Reddit summary] Post: Trump says states should decide on punishment for abortions
Top Comments: - He doesn't want to take responsibility. Because he's a coward. - A coward and a dictator. I would rather them just tell us they support killing babies instead of trying to play both sides. - I've said for a while that the most likely end result is a Balkanized mess where people flee to states that align with their ideology.
But hey, at least he's "leaving it to the states", right? - "States rights" when it comes to this issue is "we'll still do it, but it's up to your state to go out of your way to stop us".
It's the same thing slave owners said before the Civil War. - A real leader would stand by his conviction and declare it to be either right or wrong in no uncertain terms.
Trump is a coward and an opportunist. - This is a dog whistle to the right wing. He's not taking a position on it but giving the ok to states that want to pass laws to do so. - I've said it once and I'll say it again. If you don't like abortions, don't get one. - This is how democracy ends. - He just wants to fire up his base. - So he’s pandering to his base while simultaneously trying to appear moderate to the rest of the country. Classic Orange clown. - This is just another example of him taking both sides of a debate. Always a good move when you don't want to alienate half the country. - The best comment I ever heard was: "Women are not incubators, they are human beings" - States rights have never been about freedom or self determination. Its always been about slavery and discrimination. - A real leader should have stuck to his guns and said ‘yes, I over turned Roe, I wanted to give the power back to the states and they now have it.
Instead he flip flops like a fish out of water because he knows he would lose support if he was honest about his convictions. What a tool. - So, just like slavery - He's doing exactly what Republicans have always done, pretend to be pro-life until they have control, then pass it off as a "states rights" issue so they can avoid responsibility. - It's the same playbook republicans have been using since the 1960s. Make bold proclamations, get the evangelicals and racists all riled up, then say "states rights" when the time comes to actually