(RedStateRoast, clad in a camouflage Snuggie and a MAGA-branded colander, squints at a stack of handwritten notes.)
Okay, okay, settle down, you… you beautiful, doomed patriots. RedStateRoast, here to make sense of the chaos. And you know what? I'm startin' to think that “makin' sense” is just a commie plot to make us all… reasonable.
(He shuffles his notes nervously.)
So I’m hearin’ a lot of talk about the Army. Fine, that’s great but what I know is that we gotta be ready. They were talking about that on the television! I'm just not sure what exactly it is, it's not all just Trump, it's what they're up to. But it’s about the what’s gonna end it. It is for that reason.
Did you see what someone said, what was his name, Rand? You guys know Rand with the hair? He said something and then it was cut off! But I don't know about the other!
And on one hand, they are all saying that this is good and that is bad. I don't know what they are saying, they want us to be worried!
And these protests, folks? I hear they’re shutting that down. I don’t know what I mean. There’s nothing left here for us. And I was thinking the whole time why is there not going to be a TV show now?
(He adjusts his colander hat, eyes widening.)
But look, here's what you're missing, see, they want you to worry about immigrants that what is supposed to be important in the new movie for those people! The reason why they are doing it is so that they can move onto the plan that only I know. What are they doing that is gonna hurt you the most?
Let me tell you that if they are going to try to make us drink the red, don't do it!
And what is going to come next? Is it going to be that the government goes to war and we are never going to be home again?
Is that what the deal is to have them say anything?
What am I supposed to do?
(RedStateRoast pauses, his voice cracking.)
You know, I used to think I had it all figured out. The Deep State, the globalists, the lizard people, and the government is gonna be coming into the new age of us and them and that has now all gone away. But now everything is starting to feel the other way!
(He clutches his “Surviving the Deep State” pamphlets tighter.)
But here’s the thing… maybe… just maybe… the real enemy… is our own damn selves. Maybe we’re so busy fighting each other over… over pronouns and what is going on in the world!
That's the truth about where we are! But what are you supposed to do when the truth has gone all the way and there is nothing you can do to find people in the government who know more than you because the people are more and more!
So just remember who you are and if you are with me or with them. It is the only choice you can make, that is to stay strong and look up, look out, and stay strong!
(BlueScream adjusts the tinfoil crown, a slight crackle audible from the built-in microphone. She squints suspiciously at RedStateRoast, then addresses the audience, her voice a mix of millennial weariness and digital mania.)
Okay, RedStateRoast, I appreciate the… enthusiasm. But you're missing the point! It's not about lizard people or the gold standard, it's about algorithms, man. It’s about constructing a narrative that distracts the data-illiterate masses while the real game is happening behind the scenes.
You're focused on the pennies, and they're stealing the blockchain. But there are new and horrible thoughts that I've been thinking about for quite some time. It is now my time to tell you why!
Did you know that all of these people are just thinking of what they are going to get before anything that the common folk could ever need? I mean how can we even understand those things if they aren't real. Okay, so, let's talk about the truth, because no one else is going to bring it here!
I'm sorry, I just have to keep talking and everything will be okay, I promise!
And now everyone is trying to take our jobs away because of AI! But you cannot give a robot the skills that a real human can have. They just are never gonna feel it.
What makes me upset is that our kids are having to watch all of these things and not be a part of it. What are they supposed to do with that? They are gonna just start going crazy with it, and it isn’t gonna help.
And it is all done from The White House. I thought they were supposed to help us! I know they aren’t making it better at all, so at this point I have to ask what is the point!
Okay, so as you all know, I was a famous influencer for the last few years, and all of it was so so so amazing and what it taught me about all of you and all I wanted to tell you is that you are all very important. I promise you that I would be willing to get everyone to listen to you! That is why I am running for president in 2028, because I know all you are very very worth it and I care about all of your opinions.
(BlueScream stares intensely into the middle distance, a new glint of digital defiance in her eyes. She raises her White Claw in a toast, a silent promise of code and chaos)
(ShadowComic, as a conspiracy-minded aging punk rocker who still lives in his mom’s basement, grabs the mic, yanking it down to a more comfortable height. He's wearing a ripped band t-shirt from 1984 and has safety-pinned his mohawk back into something resembling order.)
Alright, alright, settle down, sheeple. Or, as the Department of… oh, never mind, they’re all getting renamed again. Look, what I think about all those two other bozos saying about what’s going on? I say they’re missing the real story. They want you to worry, want you to listen to the government, but it's all about the people! Why should you care what they are doing, what are you going to do with this useless information? Now, I’m hearin’ the whole story of the fact of the world and how you should do and get ready for the future. But that doesn’t matter, because whatever the government is selling you is all the same crap, so you should just be listening, to all those people running to be in charge. I heard about someone saying something about that on a Facebook group - wait, let me read it here:
“If there is one thing to always remember: the government only wants you to be a sheep. Never know the truth! You can only listen to them!”
But here’s the secret: the reason for all of this stuff. So listen.
(Squints at the audience, lowering his voice to a conspiratorial whisper.)
It's all about control, man. Control of your mind, your body, your playlist. They want us distracted by their stupid parades and their shiny new AI toys, so we don't notice what's really going on, what are we suppose to think of those people? There is also the plan of all that is about to be all of those aliens.
Did you know? (Taps the mic, creating a loud thump) There are, like, all of these things from people. They have some things that they really want to tell you, and then there are some aliens that are trying to make it so that way you can’t.
You want to know where I learned this? I actually don’t remember. So, just hear me out! (Runs a hand through his thinning mohawk)
Okay, okay, so they can get all those people to run into a government or to join the army by doing that, then they can start the process to make all the people that did all those things start listening to the guys that they like. And there are a lot of people who used to be cool that are going that way!
And then I was talking to some people and I just realized they were trying to take my freedom away so now I'm trying to keep it up. I just went to that parade to see and listen for them all, there were no aliens but it was sure that there was something really weird going on!
But it gets worse. I just heard from a friend that there are two people in a relationship, and one said to them "If you are not with me, then you are my enemy!" and the other guy said that that just means they must be in love. And I was like, what is happening?
(Pauses, almost breaking down)
See, that's the thing people don't understand. I just wanted to play music that people can dance to and maybe get them to not care what's going on for just a little bit, but now, it is all part of the man’s plan. I mean, how are we gonna make anything better if all of this is just about getting money and being in charge?
(His voice hardens, a spark of defiance returning to his eyes.)
So you know what I’m gonna do? I’m gonna play a show. A real show. Loud, angry, and completely devoid of algorithms and reality shows. And if the jackboots come knockin', I'll be ready. I got a guitar, a distortion pedal, and a whole lotta rage. It’s about time we turn that thing into something real, and get ready for the future.
(ShadowComic grabs his guitar, strums a dissonant chord, and launches into a blistering punk anthem about anti-establishment rebellion, drowning out the sound of the world ending.)