(RedStateRoast shuffles up, still in the camo Snuggie and colander, but now also wearing a pair of swimming goggles and clutching a deflated beach ball. He speaks with a wide-eyed intensity.)
Alright, alright, lemme tell you something. All this talk about parades and taxes and… and… whatever. It’s missing the point, folks. The real story, the one they don’t want you to know… is about the water.
(He pats the beach ball nervously.)
See, they’re distracting you with the shiny things, the big headlines, the… the whatever it is that’s getting those college liberals riled up. But while you’re looking there, they’re stealing your water!
Heard about those ICE raids the government loves so much? You think they're just about immigrants? Wrong! They're consolidating power, clearing out the undesirables, the ones who might… question where all the water’s going. Now, does anyone want to tell me what a hurricane in Puerto Rico sounds like when the government's been looting their water for decades?
They called it a storm but didn't know what the word was. So that's how it's going to be!
(RedStateRoast nearly loses his train of thought, fiddles with the Snuggie.)
You take a look at what happened when a water company said “We know what you want for America and what we said to do with the kids and the water.”
And see, this has been going on a while now! See they are trying to take it all away, and they are doing everything all at once!
That's why my show got cancelled. I was getting too close to the truth, talking about that show that was supposed to save us. Now everyone is gonna die!
You see what they are doing! All you people are just waiting for what's gonna happen. If you are not gonna get prepared then you are gonna have a problem with what's getting ready to go down! Do you know the great lakes are getting emptied out and the government is saying “It’s just the weather”
That’s why you gotta prep. You gotta get your own well. And don’t trust the government to tell you where the water is. They’ll probably tell you to drink… gestures vaguely at the White Claw from the last comedian’s set… this garbage.
Oh-ho no, if you are not gonna be there, then the water is gonna get you wet!
(RedStateRoast leans in conspiratorially.)
And you know what else they put in the water? Fluoride. What is that gonna do? Make you blind!
I have been warning you guys about it!
All connected, I’m telling you. The droughts, the floods, the fluoride in the water, this is not going to last!
The end is near. All thanks to the people at the top. If you know anything about it, they will come into your home and take what you have. They are planning on taking you out and getting you sick. It is not real folks!
The only salvation is to go into your back yard and find as much water as you can! Because at this rate! There will be no water left!
What is at the center? It is all tied to water. You won't be the same after the water is gone! It will be a world of hurt in a way that people cannot describe. There is no place to go!
What has happened is that we have lost water, and with that we have lost our hope. Now we can only pray for the end.
(RedStateRoast’s voice cracks, and he clutches the deflated beach ball to his chest.)
…And don’t even think about drinking the tap water.
(RedStateRoast stumbles offstage, clutching his pamphlets and his beach ball, leaving the audience to ponder the terrifying possibility of a future with no water… and a whole lot of fluoride.)
(BlueScream, now wearing a biohazard suit tailored to look like a power suit, adjusts a microphone attached to her bedazzled respirator)
Okay, so, RedStateRoast is worried about the water supply? That’s cute. Like, super quaint. You’re focused on analog problems while they’re rewriting the code of reality. I’m talking full-spectrum dominance of the data sphere, people.
(She gestures dismissively)
I mean, okay, yeah, access to clean water is a basic human right or whatever, but what good is having clean water if you don’t control the narrative around the water? If you don’t have the algorithm on your side? They’ll just convince everyone the fluoride is good for you, it’s organic, it's artisanal! They'll put a blockchain on it!
(A beat, adjusting her respirator)
I'm sorry. This is just giving me some serious flash backs to when the data was coming out. I mean, did you know that the average child in the US needs to have 1000 gallons of water just to be fully hydrated! But it's not just that, it is also about how they are gonna come to find us and take us away!
It is all just a thing to talk about!
(Sniffs)
Anyway, as you all know, a lot of bad things are happening and you have to pay attention.
(Looks around, then leans closer to the microphone)
And that’s why I’m launching RealityCoin, the first cryptocurrency backed by data sovereignty. We’re talking a decentralized, AI-powered platform for… uh… well, for… I’m not entirely sure yet. But it’ll be disruptive. It’ll be synergistic. It’ll be… Web 3.0… but good!
And if any of these guys try to tell you that it is the lizard people, that is BS. You know what is real, the numbers, and the money. It just might be the only way we have to fix all of these problems that are in the world!
All of you have been running all the way around and not seeing what the big part is. It’s time to get smart, it's time to get tough, and it is time to get what is right.
(She pauses, then a shadow crosses her face)
…Or maybe it’s all just a grift. Maybe I’m just trying to get you all to buy my NFTs so I can afford a bigger bunker. You know, the thing is, that at this point, I don't really care! We're all just doomed for a few minutes in what could happen! I am being sincere for you guys!
I really wanna be your friend and help you along!
(She straightens up, a manic energy in her voice)
But look, if there is one thing I have learned, there is just nothing that says it will be okay! So let’s all have a lot of fun, and let it rip!
(BlueScream adjusts her biohazard suit and stares directly into the camera, a manic grin spreading across her face)
(ShadowComic, dressed as a well-meaning but clueless suburban dad who’s stumbled into an activist role, adjusts his ill-fitting beret and clears his throat.)
Okay, so, like, RedStateRoast’s worried about the water, and BlueScream’s all about, you know, The Data. Which is… great. It's great they're talking, you know? Those are important things, but, honestly, I'm just trying to get my kids into a decent school district.
Have you seen what’s going on with education, guys? I'm reading about this all over the Reddit threads - like those are my daily paper and the paper on my desk. I thought I would not believe that! But these guys just passed this law with all of these things that were going to change the education and now what?
I mean. There are way more that I have to do to make sure that my kids can learn about the things. You know that is the thing that they are going to be telling to their bosses.
And then to make it worse, there is the fact that my youngest is now saying that a computer program is now doing what they have to be doing to get all these students to understand and be with them all those years before.
So what am I gonna do? I mean you know it’s going to be just that!
(Pauses, adjusts his glasses)
See, this is why it is very difficult to understand. It has to do with the whole way you feel. I can’t just tell you why.
And all I really wanna do with my life is just to figure that out.
This is something that I have been dealing with for a while now. That there are people that want to talk about big government and lizard people, or the people who talk about the thing with the computers. And I'm just saying that my kids have to go to school and learn how to read.
I'm tired, but I just need that to be known, I mean it is not like I want anything else. And you are supposed to go and do a lot to get there.
So what is the end lesson here? All that you need to do is to keep on helping the people that need the help!
(ShadowComic beams at the audience, then pulls out his grocery list, which is covered in crayon drawings. He stares at it for a moment, then shrugs and walks offstage.)