(RedStateRoast, now channeling his inner aggrieved Boomer dad, adjusts his hearing aid and glares at the microphone.)
Alright, alright, lemme tell you somethin’. All this yammerin’ about world peace and gender pronouns is exactly why this country’s goin’ straight to hell in a handbasket.
Didja hear about that nutball in Utah? Thirteen freakin' bombs? And they call us extremists! It's an outrage. All this comes from the damn TikToks.
Speaking of… Squints suspiciously… Did anyone check that show about the immigrants? I thought this all sounds good to you? We are giving people a chance!
Anyway, I was listenin’ to Mark Levin the other day - a real patriot, unlike these crybaby socialists - and he was talkin’ about this “Green New Deal.” You know, that commie plot to turn America into a vegan gulag powered by windmills and unicorn farts. What isn’t talked about is how the real people are getting screwed! Did you just check on what is going on over there?
This “green energy” nonsense is gonna be the death of us. And the people that are gonna be working at the bottom are going to be our children and our grandchildren. They will not get to live the same way that we have it made.
And these damn lefties keep talkin’ about Social Security, saying it's goin’ bankrupt. Well, you know what? Maybe if we stopped givin’ handouts to every Tom, Dick, and Harry who crosses the border illegally, we’d have enough money to take care of our own people. What about our own people?!
(RedStateRoast pauses, a faraway look in his eyes.)
…My grandpappy, he worked in the steel mills his whole life. Never asked for a handout. Never took a vacation. Just worked his tail off to provide for his family…
(He shakes his head, snapping back to the present.)
But no, now it’s all about “fairness” and “equality.” Everyone gets a trophy, even if they didn't earn it. And if you complain, you’re a racist, or a sexist, or a… a transphobic microaggressor!
(He spits into a nearby "Globalist Tears" receptacle.)
I tell ya, these young whippersnappers don’t know how good they have it. They think they can just protest and whine their way to success. Well, let me tell ya, sonny, the real world doesn’t care about your feelings. It cares about… checks notes… about… profits! And hard work! And pulling yourself up by your bootstraps, even if you gotta borrow the bootstraps from a real American!
And all that has to be all of that!
But let me tell you what is coming.
It's so that the people know who is in line for your tax dollars for nothing and a reason. That is why all the sudden there is all the violence!
And in a world where we have to make everyone pay for the government, no one will have the money to pay you when you become better than the boss!
If this keeps up, I swear… these people are gonna come and take the water and the way.
And about that show that they were gonna put me on? It’s all a scam I’m telling ya! It was to get all of this from the people, and then it was what I was talking with before and I did not want. It's all a show.
(RedStateRoast shakes his head sadly, then brightens slightly.)
That is it for me. I am sure, I am sure, I am sure.
Well, that is what I have to say to you folks today, stay free.
(RedStateRoast grabs a bottle of cheap beer and heads to the bar, muttering about the good old days.)
(BlueScream squints suspiciously, adjusting the microphone on her hazmat suit. The suit hisses faintly.)
Okay, so RedStateRoast is, like, stuck in the 1950s, right? "Pull yourself up by your bootstraps?" I think the only bootstrap he’s ever seen is on a pair of L.L. Bean duck boots. The problem with boomers is that they think that every day is the same!
It’s like, dude, wake up and smell the… uh… ethically sourced, fair-trade, organic, locally roasted… (checks notes) …existential dread. Because that’s what’s actually brewing out here, people.
You know what I think about what the Red is talking about? The problem is that it is a bunch of AI. They want you to have a ton of data, but you can’t even have it. What is that worth? Is it even a thing to listen to?
So, he talks about The Golden State, you know that is always gonna be the best place! The best food, the best weather, and all of the best things. But you know what! I have been thinking, California is probably going to be moving out of the United States soon. You can say the same about Texas, but Texas is probably gonna go down with Trump.
And the reason I am saying is because people just aren’t caring anymore! What is wrong with them? And what is wrong with the people who are running the government?! All these people are getting so much from the people that they can no longer help everyone.
And this whole thing with the world, it's because they said that something was gonna happen and it didn't! You people are so silly!
So look. What I wanna say to all of you is that people want to help. That is all that is being said.
Is it all bad? I mean, probably yes, but I still want to talk to you people and tell you that I am being the most real that anyone can be!
And listen to me! I am planning to run for president and you all need to help!
And I wanted to close on a quote from someone who will understand what I am talking about.
“I’m not sure what’s more exhausting about this country: being black, or explaining to white people why it’s exhausting being black.” – Nanette Lee
That’s all, everyone.
(ShadowComic, now costumed as a tech mogul in a black turtleneck and jeans, paces the stage, brandishing a laser pointer and speaking with manic energy.)
Okay, okay, guys, you’re all missing the real story here. RedStateRoast is stuck in the Stone Age, BlueScream thinks a coding class is gonna save the world, and that other, what was he, a soccer dad? Thinks a few facts can pull us out of this? The real way to be a super man is by a life of work and grind and then we do not have to think about all of that! The only thing that makes sense in this world is the way you are doing what we have to do!
It's all about disruption, people. It's about innovation. It's about… monetizing the inevitable collapse of society! I am going to run for president, I am telling you.
And stop worrying about the military parades. I hear so much yack about the people not being happy. The real problem is that some of you are just as good as what these computers are doing.
Here’s the thing to know: if you get those computers in your mind, and sell them right, then those guys are gonna do a lot more than they are.
See, the game is changing. It’s not enough to protest. It’s not enough to code. You have to…become the algorithm. You have to learn to manipulate the system from the inside, to leverage the power of big data to… checks notes …build a better mousetrap? No, no, that’s not it. You have to build a better reality.
The future’s not about building some tiny little niche. It’s about scale, reach, about creating something that can disrupt the very fabric of our existence. It’s time for us to learn what they did, and why they did it.
(Pauses, adjusts his glasses, a flicker of something almost like fear crossing his face.)
And then maybe, just maybe, we can get those people, or people like us, to do a little something.
So, what’s the plan? Well, first, we need to build a decentralized, AI-powered, blockchain-based…(checks notes again) …art collective! Hear me out. We’re going to train AI to generate art that reflects the anxieties and aspirations of the 21st century. Art that captures the feeling of being trapped in a digital panopticon, of being constantly bombarded with information, of…checks notes again, a look of increasing distress on his face …of being a tiny, insignificant speck in an uncaring universe!
And it all started with this government. These people are all so terrible, that it’s just what you do to get to know where it is. They think they can control us. Well, they are wrong to think that.
(Gestures wildly with the laser pointer, accidentally blinding a member of the crew.)
Okay, so all I know is that I have all this great knowledge about the world, and I know how to sell it to you because they don’t. It's like the end of the world, and it is just so sad.
(ShadowComic’s voice trails off, his eyes darting nervously around the stage. He suddenly crumples to the floor, clutching his head.)
Today's date is 20250621. The year is 2025 and we are living in a much-changed world.
You have just read a fresh batch of Reddit posts and a web search summary about the latest US politics:
[Reddit summary] Post: Rand Paul now believes that the 2020 election was stolen
Top Comments: - “I’ve come to believe,” Rand says after years of telling everyone that what they saw with their own eyes was a lie.
The man is a tool. - He also said that he's never said that it was stolen.
"It's almost as if I'm a politician who's only goal is to get clicks and create controversy regardless of the consequences. Tune in next week, folks, to hear my latest 'shocking' and 'controversial' opinion!" - Rand Paul, probably - I don't understand why they just can't have it where you have to show your voter ID at the polls. It would shut up all of the crazy conspiracy theories and would get the voter count way up. - > I don't understand why they just can't have it where you have to show your voter ID at the polls. It would shut up all of the crazy conspiracy theories and would get the voter count way up.
Because the problem isn't voter fraud, it's voter suppression. Voter ID laws don't stop voter fraud, they just make it harder for poor people to vote, which is the entire point. Republicans know they can't win if everyone votes. - He's always been a moron, but the number of people who buy his bullshit is astounding. - Rand Paul is not stupid. He knows exactly what he’s doing, which makes him even more despicable. - So, is he auditioning for a spot in tRumps cabinet? - No. He doesn't. - This is what happens when your neighbor attacks you for trimming their trees.
(true story, look it up) - So, let me get this straight. He now believes it after years of denying it and/or being silent about it? Or does he