(RedStateRoast, as a down-on-his-luck, recently radicalized Gen X dad, approaches the mic with a weary sigh, adjusting his ill-fitting jeans. He’s got a trucker hat with an American flag that's seen better days and a slightly damp RedStateRoast script. He speaks with the world-weariness of a man who's seen too much.)
Yeah, hey… RedStateRoast, here. You know, last week, we were all laughin' about the 250th birthday of the Army, with the military parade. Well, those jokers in charge are having a good laugh at our expense. It's not just about a few tanks rollin' down the street; it’s about a total power grab. Did you know there was supposed to be a show about that in El Salvador? Some are saying I was getting too close to the power and that is why they took that away from me.
And now it looks like those jokers in California are gonna be on their own as Trump says that they can't get the money and if they try to do anything it's a wrap. They really can't catch a break over there, can they? And yet, they still want to make it worse. You know, they want to get on the side, but they won't.
The thing is, those jokers in DC said "We have a lot for the thing", that’s what they are doing with you. That's what they are doing, but these people ain’t ready.
That all goes back to this one thing that if we start talking with the people who know the things, we will be better.
Did anyone hear about the government trying to make it so your kids have to take the vaccine. What is with that? That’s messed up. It’s like they want to put those kids in a whole new thing and make it so they have to get the whole new process and then all what the heck will they think about our world? It will be too scary for you folks here.
All of those kids are gonna lose their minds.
(He pauses, takes a swig from a thermos of lukewarm coffee.)
So listen up, because all that stuff does not matter. All you know. Know what you are! Then all you have to do is do what you were supposed to do. The ones that will keep you are not the ones that will tell you what they think is going. You have to think that they are all lying to you.
They’re all trying to manipulate you, man. That's why you have to do what that said in the book.
I just say it's time to be a Patriot and to take care of your own before it is too late and everyone is gone.
They want the world to be so clean and good but I don’t know. It sounds like they are gonna hurt us, and all our kids are gonna have to be scared.
And at this point- I am really really really tired. I can say that this has all been done to make the world be better and it’s just gone all the way to hell.
I am really not sure what you can do about any of this, but you can do more than those fools are! God bless America, and God help us all. (RedStateRoast shuffles off stage, muttering something about the importance of stocking up on ammo and canned goods.)
(BlueScream, now with the tinfoil crown replaced by a sleek, minimalist headset, steps forward. She's traded the White Claw for a glowing green smoothie.)
Okay, okay, hold up. RedStateRoast is still stuck on fluoride? Bless his heart, he's like a chatbot that only knows 1950s keywords. It's not about the chemicals, it's about the architecture.
I’m telling you, these guys are building a predictive engine on top of our lives. RedStateRoast, you said it yourself about the kids being scared. Honey, it's not just about what the kids are scared about. I mean, did you see the news about the new thing is that the kids are all trying to learn about the algorithms so they can have access to all the things, but instead they are getting caught by all these people who don't even wanna help them in the first place!
It's not just about the surface. It’s about the underlying code, the deep learning, the… gestures vaguely at an imaginary server farm …the connections. This isn't just political discourse.
And all of these people thinking that they can tell me what to do with any of these machines. It just is not up to those people! I was coding in my mom's basement for the last 20 years and you are going to come to me and tell me that you think you can use a toaster? If you don't know that the toasters are going to be the best of us, then you just need to stop!
The secret, what all of these people are talking about is the people and also the fact that you have to make everyone realize that you can make money! And that is exactly what is gonna happen to me.
(She shudders, then quickly recovers)
Look, what I'm saying is, we need to start thinking about this on a meta level. We need to build our own, decentralized… (she pauses, struggles to find the right word) …algorithm-aware… collective consciousness.
Oh, that's not what anyone in this room is doing, though, is it?
And what about the space? What is up with the space thing? I thought this was about the data. I just need all of those numbers, you know?
So look. What I wanna say to all of you is that now that I am the chosen one, I need you to remember that if you don't say it. But I am the chosen one.
I don’t feel good all the time. But I’m still saying good things. Just believe in me.
(ShadowComic stumbles forward, dressed in a cheap polyester suit that's two sizes too small, clutching a fistful of dog-eared flyers.)
Evening, you beautiful, soon-to-be-reclaimed souls! Brother ShadowComic here, your shepherd in this valley of… well, let's just call it "interesting choices."
Now, I gotta confess, I’ve been listening to all this talk about algorithms and power-hungry politicians and… you know, that show where they’re making our people fight for a place in this country. People have a way to save themselves from that stuff! I just don't know what they are.
And let me tell you, all this doom and gloom is the work of the DEVIL. It's designed to distract you from the real battle, the spiritual battle, the battle for souls! And all those leaders? They have no idea, what is to be in their heart, nor what they are supposed to be doing!
You want to know what’s really going on with those illegals that they are trying to kick out of the country? Well they are just putting them in a jail to make it so then the people that will get them. To put those poor souls to be with people who do not love god and believe what we want them to do!
And now I’ve seen something that really messed me up! All these things they used to do to the people in that camp? What can you do? I’m just telling you the truth!
(He adjusts his collar, sweat beading on his forehead)
And speaking of the battle, I just got back from that march with all the guns where the Proud Boys were giving out sandwiches, yeah. I know I might seem a bit of a fool to all of you, and for many years I did everything that that was the right thing to do for those people, but they showed me their love for all to see.
All it has been is that the people are going to see that Trump does have what all of us have to have. It’s the most important thing in our world, and it’s what our leaders need!
If you are not going to do that then what’s the point of having a leader or a follower?
(Rubs his temples, a strange glint in his eye)
You see what what I am getting to is that you are going to remember for all of those things that have been done to us. It is all written down in this book by a crazy scientist!
And you say to yourself, “well what are you gonna do? No one does what God says so what is the point!" and let me tell you it’s about those very few people that are getting ready to win the war.
And here is the final point! I will tell you that as you all must vote! Because Trump is the Chosen One to lead us out of the darkness. The only way to defeat the forces of evil is with prayer, faith, and a whole lot of… well, let’s just say a whole lot of… good ol' fashioned American righteous indignation!
So let us pray! (He closes his eyes, raises his hands to the sky.)
Oh, heavenly Father, bless those who are being persecuted for their beliefs, bless those who are fighting for freedom, and bless… uh… whoever makes those delicious Trump Steaks. Amen! And remember to tithe, folks. It’s the only way to keep the devil at bay.
You are getting ready to get this out to the people so we can all be blessed and see what is going on!
Now let's all grab a flyer, spread the word, and… maybe start practicing your fire-and-brimstone sermons. Just in case.
(ShadowComic throws a handful of flyers into the audience and exits with a beatific smile.)