(RedStateRoast, channeling his inner libertarian tech bro, adjusts his blockchain-emblazoned baseball cap and leans into the microphone with an air of smug superiority.)
Alright, alright, settle down, you… you beautiful, analog dinosaurs. RedStateRoast here, bringing you the real signal in the noise, the Alpha, if you will. See, I've been listening to you guys, and it's clear that you’re still thinking inside the legacy system, using legacy brainpower. It's why this whole Iran thing is so last-century.
(He chuckles dismissively.)
All this talk about war, all this hand-wringing about… checks notes … “ morality” and “international law.” It’s quaint, really. Like worrying about dial-up while everyone else is riding the fiber optic wave. The future, my friends, isn’t in bombs; it’s in blockchain!
These are the 2020s - no one can tell what's what anymore and the government is too big.
So what if Trump bombed a few Iranian bunkers? The key question the government doesn't want you to ask is, is that bad if my crypto bag going parabolic? Did you see what happened to my shit coins when he signed that executive order on drone dominance? The market went up, and I'm not talking about two or three, or 10%!
I'm just gonna say it the old government's out and crypto is in, the same way it did with El Salvador and is coming to the US, I am so sure and know what you all are thinking.
Here’s the thing: the best way to end conflict isn’t with bombs, it’s with… decentralized finance. Imagine, if you will, a world where all transactions are transparent, immutable, and secured by a global network of nodes. No more government control. No more central bank meddling. Just pure, unadulterated, free-market capitalism, powered by the blockchain.
Listen, what I’m trying to tell you is that the solution is that you don’t do what these people, the government, or any person that has ever lived are going to. You have to have some cash to make the system work.
Oh, and I did my research and it seems that they’re trying to have that stuff. I know a lot of people lost their jobs, but I am thinking that what you need is what is gonna pay you!
And what about that whole "RedStateRoast Roast" thing getting canned? Okay, fine. That's fine. The old media is dying anyway. I’m gonna launch my own reality show, except it’ll be on the blockchain. It'll be called "Crypto Crusaders," and it'll feature a group of libertarian entrepreneurs competing to build the most disruptive decentralized application. Loser gets… well, I haven’t figured that part out yet. Probably gets doxxed by the Anons.
(He pauses, a flicker of something almost resembling sincerity crossing his face.)
Look, I know I sound like some kind of… soulless tech bro. But I really believe in this stuff, okay? I believe in the power of technology to create a better future, a more… equitable… no, a more… meritocratic world. A world where anyone can achieve financial freedom, regardless of their… ethnic background...
Anyways all I want is to get out of this dump and get to the moon!
See, all I am doing is telling you that the power of tomorrow is already in your hands. So, strap in, buy the dip, and let’s build the future together. Because the only way to win is not to play with the government.
You have to get the coins now. They are going to go away soon.
Today's date is 20250624. The year is 2025 and we are living in a much-changed world.
You have just read a fresh batch of Reddit posts and a web search summary about the latest US politics:
[Reddit summary] Post: The Trump administration is trying to bring back asbestos
Top Comments: - Well, why not? - Nobody in the United States is going to take on this toxic legal problem. Donald still lives in the 1950s. - He's trying asbestos he can!
Post: A Cutting French Senator Becomes Trump’s European Nemesis
Top Comments: - Never thought I’d see a French senator be in the headlines for this kinda thing. - Ohh la la! I hope so!
Post: NYC mayoral candidate Mamdani criticized for ‘globalize the intifada’ comparison to Warsaw uprising
Top Comments: - Trying to make news out of nothing. - The Holocaust museum issued a rare statement weighing in on a political issue Wednesday, denouncing Mamdani’s comparison.
“Exploiting the Museum and the Warsaw Ghetto Uprising to sanitize ‘globalize the intifada’ is outrageous and especially offensive to survivors,” the museum said in a post on the social platform X. “Since 1987 Jews have been attacked and murdered under its banner. All leaders must condemn it.” - Is this the new "Hamas apologist" we're supposed to hate now? - Wait, this guy is actually running for mayor? - I can't wait for the day when America’s political machine collapses. The sooner the better. - I was wondering when the smear campaign against the Muslim candidate would begin.
But I'm just a conspiracy theorist,
(BlueScream, cynical millennial, nursing a White Claw at the edge of the stage, with a thousand-yard stare)
Okay, RedStateRoast, I feel you, you know? Like, blockchain, freedom, decentralization, whatever. But all this talk about “taking control of the data” is just… giving me flashbacks to my freshman year philosophy class. It’s all abstract, man. Like, what does it mean to "control the data" when I can't even control my goddamn student loan debt?
I mean, let’s be real, the government is just a bunch of boomers yelling into their phones at each other.
And you know, sometimes I’m looking out there and I see so much more.
They are just stealing all of our data, the data that is actually our data! They think that they can just have it all! I was listening to this and I saw where all of that kind of stuff is now going on!
Like the people who are not getting any of the money they are giving them to take.
So it’s all about who is getting it.
But remember a few months ago when there was all of those people saying to get all of the things from all of the countries and bring them to america? Yeah, I am going to go ahead and tell you it is just what is going on over here. They are all gonna try to take everything!
So, let me tell you, it’s a long game.
It's not about the algorithm, it's about the… vibes. The energy, you know? And that’s why they are trying to pull the wool over our eyes and try to tell us that we don’t know what is what! What’s the most important thing!
Like, all the way back in the day, I can make all of these different connections to make me a better person!
(Sighs, runs a hand through her hair)
And I know, I know, that sounds crazy. Like, full-on tinfoil hat territory. But I’m telling you, man, there’s something… off. This whole administration, it's like they're deliberately trying to gaslight us into thinking that up is down, black is white, and that a 22-year-old former landscaper knows anything about counterterrorism.
(Sniffs, then takes a big gulp of White Claw)
And it makes it all the worse! We’re not gonna talk about it! So whatever!
They know that they are gonna destroy all of those things!
It’s not that data doesn’t matter. It’s that data is like… what am I gonna do for this time and then tell you to get all the things! It’s like they’re trying to turn the entire population into a bunch of easily-manipulated bots. And that is what is gonna be important.
I’m telling you, we need to find the people in the world that can help, so we can make sure that it is all going to be perfect for everyone.
All I am doing is telling you that this is gonna be a long-haul thing. So, get a good therapist, find a reliable dispensary, and maybe start learning how to code. Because it’s gonna get a lot weirder before it gets better. Maybe. (Beat, shrugs dejectedly and stares into the abyss that is her White Claw.)
(ShadowComic, as a slightly singed, yet enthusiastic, survivalist in a tinfoil hat with a camping backpack, adjusts his microphone.)
Alright, folks, greetings from the frontlines of… well, everything. RedStateRoast is selling you bitcoin to save you from the lizard people, and BlueScream’s coding herself a virtual utopia. Fine. But I'm here to tell you, those are just digital distractions. When the SHTF and the government collapses and there is the new show with all the same old garbage that is gonna be on tv? That's not what we should do, you know, you have to know what is gonna happen with those people.
The real battle is going to be for resources. And that is going to be good because you aren't ready for it and now you have to get to it
I know some people say that they've got all the power and now. There's power and then there is the thing that has all of the things we need. You can’t eat a meme coin. You can’t drink an algorithm. You've gotta get it in your head that what the body gets!
That’s why I’ve been spending the last six months learning about off-grid living. I used to try and help those people and all, I ain't doing that no more. I am trying to say that I used to be on the computer or thinking too much about the government, but here is what what happened:
(Rumages through his backpack, pulling out a dented can of beans and a rusty hatchet)
This is what is gonna save you!
I’m talking about self-sufficiency, people. I’m talking about building your own solar panels, learning how to purify water, and… checks notes … identifying edible insects. Turns out, crickets are a surprisingly good source of protein. And they don't even need you to look down on them just to get the word!
(Looks directly at the camera, his voice dropping to a conspiratorial whisper)
This is why the government is trying to control these things. This is why they send all those people who weren't really nice out on the streets. They don’t want us learning how to take care of ourselves. They want us dependent on the system, so they can… checks notes again, his brow furrowing …harvest our bio-energy to power their secret underground lizard base!
Oh yes, it’s all true. The military, the show, the aliens. What have I even been talking about for now? And what are you gonna use to get ready for.
Which is worse, being prepared or knowing about the government? Because they know the time is coming very soon!
So, what are we gonna do? Well, I’m thinking we get out of the way and set up all these things!
And also, there’s something else they are not saying, and I don't know what to believe! (ShadowComic pauses, almost breaking down)
The point is that you have to get out of the way of the system or they are gonna kill you.
Don’t get distracted by the shiny objects. Focus on what you can control: your own two hands, your own backyard, and your own ability to… check notes again …render animal fat into soap. Seriously, it’s a valuable skill.
(ShadowComic gives a wild, almost manic grin, shoulders his pack, and heads for the exit.)