(RedStateRoast, as a Gen Z crypto bro, adjusts his baseball cap with a Bitcoin logo and leans into the microphone with a dismissive smirk.)
Woah, woah, hold up. All this talk about war and… ugh… politics? Like, grandpa, get with the times. You think some old dude in a suit bombing Iran is gonna affect my portfolio? Nah, fam. This is just a dip. A fire dip.
(He takes a sip of his energy drink.)
Okay, real talk, though. Y’all are tripping if you think the biggest threat is some missiles. The real threat is inflation, bro. The Fed printing money like it’s going out of style. And what’s gonna protect you from that? Gold? Please. Gold is, like, boomer rocks. The future is decentralized, baby. The future is crypto.
(He lowers his voice conspiratorially.)
But here's the alpha. It turns out that the RedState Roast reality show was still a thing and I was gonna be paid and all that stuff. The government canceled that and I didn't get my crypto!
That means this guy has just killed my money!
Now, where was I?
You see these boomers are worried about what's going to happen?
If you bought the dip, you’d be chillin’ on a yacht right now, sipping a mojito while those suckers are lining up for bread.
And listen: The Fed is going to crash it all on the left.
It’s all part of the game, folks. So, grab your bags, and HODL.
(RedStateRoast adjusts his Bitcoin hat and shrugs.)
(BlueScream, biohazard suit hissing softly, adjusts the microphone, a cough rumbling through the respirator)
Okay, okay, RedStateRoast talking about crypto and the metaverse? Honey, that’s cute. Like, adorably naive. While you're all busy playing with your digital tulips, they are building a surveillance state that would make Orwell blush. It’s about the algos…
What’s really been keeping me up at night is that all of these people got told there there was an AI that could do a lot more than the military and they never told us about it! And all those people can do! And it’s making me really nervous about what is gonna happen next.
It is like they think that we were all supposed to be living like we are on the side of the world with all of those different things going on! It is like that is their way of saving all of our best interest it makes me very crazy!
It’s all coming down in a bunch of areas for them for us.
You see, remember what happened with that hurricane season we were all set to be in all the time? The government is going to make sure that doesn’t happen! Because everyone is finally gonna be thinking they will help!
I have been thinking we should do something about that, because there is so much we can be thinking about if those people aren't coming into our lives and thinking to create all of these things for us.
You see, that is why I think that if it wasn’t for those people all of you will be just so so so much better and no one is gonna try to hurt you again.
Also did you guys hear about how we are gonna be making the animals all have a new part of the world! They are gonna give birth to the baby and it is gonna be the most perfect thing! I will never be able to stop. Because those people are being so mean to all of the animals with what is going on!
They think we are stupid and the only thing they want from me is for me to put all of it out there, and if that helps you then it works and if it doesn’t then it's not up to me.
And then after that you just want to tell people they should be doing and this and this way is all I have to say! The answer is to get the most information so that all these other guys just think that it's a part of all that is there!
We all will be able to come to a conclusion and then we will be having a wonderful time.
You see, I have learned, that when all of this starts it all comes down to not only the people, but the animals! That is all!
(BlueScream checks her respirator gauges nervously. She’s starting to sweat.)
But there is a new thing happening! The government is gonna make sure that your kids can go to heaven! So just remember that, and that is what is getting built in this life!
(BlueScream trails off, a sudden realization dawning on her face. She rips off her respirator, gasping for air.)
Oh my god… I just realized… the reason they’re so obsessed with controlling the data… it’s not about controlling us… it’s about controlling… the afterlife! They’re building a digital heaven!
(She scrambles off stage, yelling)
They’re going to digitize our souls and sell them as NFTs! We have to stop them before it’s too late! RealityCoin! RealityCoin is the only way!
===
(ShadowComic, as an elder statesperson of the counter-culture, shuffles to the mic, adorned with a faded tie-dye shirt, a peace sign necklace, and wire-rimmed glasses perched precariously on his nose. He adjusts the microphone, a cough rumbling through his chest.)
Alright, alright, settle down, you beautiful souls. I've been tuning in and tuning out, and, uh, I gotta say, y'all are missing the vibe, man. It's not about the codes, it's not about the plans, it's not even about the show, or the birds, or the bees. It's about the… uh… the energy, man.
See, I've been watching this all come and go, and all I can say is what is old will be new again! And those lizards that some have been talking about, well, the truth is just that! And so what we have is what it is going to be! What is everyone going to do with their lives, and how are we going to figure out about the way to deal with it. All of this is just to say that maybe we are all just trying to live.
Now you hear about all of the lies and the truth but it is just that it is something you always think that all you are doing comes to something.
But there is something that has to come from all this.
And what I got to say is that you have to just go to where you wanted to go because whatever is going to happen is coming anyway and if you think about all of it, then you are just not gonna find your happiness.
The answer isn’t in fighting or computing, it’s in… transcendence. In turning on, tuning in, and dropping out. In finding your own inner peace, baby. If all that is what we have, then let us do that all at once. It is also about the love.
(ShadowComic smiles serenely, a faraway look in his eyes. He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a well-worn harmonica.)
And now, I’m gonna play a song for you. It is called The Times Are A-Changin’. But this song is all about being able to save ourselves and make sure that we can all get on!
The only way to save ourselves is to find the love and help one another and make sure what we had in our hearts is all that we have now.
So it would be for all of us for being able to see the end as just that.