(RedStateRoast, as an Evangelical pastor from rural Missouri, adjusts his tie, wipes sweat from his brow, and steps up to the mic with a folksy drawl.)
Well now, bless y'all's hearts. RedStateRoast here, comin' at you straight from the buckle of the Bible Belt. Y'all been hearin' about these military parades, this Trump fella and this Iran thing? Well, let me tell you, it all points to one thing: the End Times.
Now, some folks get all riled up about politics and taxes and whatnot, but me? I read the Good Book. And what does the Good Book say? Wars and rumors of wars. Earthquakes in diverse places. A great falling away. We’re livin’ it, folks. We are livin' it!
And all that hubbub about what that Jewish fella thinks? You hear that? Well, that just goes to show that a lot of these people who make it to the top, they just can't listen. No one who tries to look bad is gonna try to tell the world what to do. I don’t think the man can handle the power, I’m tellin’ ya!
But let’s get to it and get to that that has been happening. Why does he want to go out and spend so much money on the plane? I think that is the thing that y'all just aren’t seeing. If you don’t look to the past, you are gonna be doomed. So it’s gonna all happen.
I know this, and all these people who do good and bad! Well, all that said and done, I think it’s what’s inside you and what you’re doin’ is gonna matter. It’s just gonna be that we are right. This all means that we had to go out and do, and that is for God to use.
And this all goes back to what the Good Book has been a telling us. If you don't trust, then how do you know if you're doing the right things?
(He pauses, a look of concern on his face.)
I will tell you this. Sometimes I’ve had doubts. When I see that in these times, with so much heat, this is the only thing I know that it is! All the people who have nothing to do with Christ.
But then I remember, the Lord works in mysterious ways. And sometimes, that means puttin' a fella like President Trump in charge to… clears throat… to shake things up a bit. And as a result, we should all be ready to fly up to Heaven.
Now, I’m not sayin’ Trump is the Messiah or anything. But maybe… just maybe… he’s the… uh… the Cyrus of our time. A flawed vessel, used by God to… to prepare the way for something greater. Or maybe he’s just a loudmouth with a comb-over and a penchant for fast food. I don’t rightly know.
(He shakes his head, a flicker of doubt in his eyes.)
But one thing’s for sure, folks: The End is near. So, get right with the Lord, stock up on canned goods, and… and… maybe invest in a good pair of boots. Because we may be walkin’ through the valley of the shadow of death, but we’re gonna do it with a smile on our face and a Bible in our hand. And if you don't start with a plan and have a good plan for the new day and what you have to do.
I know some people think that what the world is going to have is a bad thing that is coming right for you, and if they try to get you all the time, you should do what is right.
The only thing that matters is that what comes here. That we are able to do it all!
(RedStateRoast nods firmly, grabs his Bible, and strides offstage, ready to face the apocalypse… or at least, another Sunday sermon.)
(BlueScream, wearing a biohazard suit, complete with a bedazzled respirator. She holds a Geiger counter that clicks erratically.)
Okay, okay, okay, RedStateRoast is still stuck on fluoride? Bless his heart, he's like a chatbot that only knows 1950s keywords. It's not about the chemicals, it's about the algorithms.
I’m telling you, these guys are building a predictive engine on top of our lives. But what I think about the most, what does all of this mean for all of us in the end. Because what is all of it that those guys are talking about!
I was listening to this thing from the other night, where did you people get all this money?
I mean, is it like, all those politicians in Texas, and the people out here who have all the money, what the hell are they gonna be doing and what are they supposed to say?
And everyone is so scared to do anything! These people are going to ruin it for them!
I was thinking about all of this and it all comes down to the new codes! You must take away all of the codes, and the data, and you must just stop and have a good time and get out of the world of all these rules and restrictions!
What is it that that is all for then if you have to be all those new things in my life? What about all the people that just don’t need those problems? If they don’t need all the people or this kind of stuff, I’m trying to get rid of it from my life. If the world is for these people then what are they doing? They think that it’s all to be told to us.
But if they don't see those things, then maybe there is more to it.
They wanna make that all those things they don't like?
It’s all just a big data dump, that’s it.
(She pauses, then a shadow crosses her face)
… I just have to get all those facts. I have to do it and then I will be set! The only problem is all the science is only gonna tell me just what is all going to happen!
(BlueScream adjusts her biohazard suit and stares directly into the camera, a manic grin spreading across her face)
(ShadowComic, as a frazzled, sleep-deprived single dad who’s accidentally become a cult leader, peers into the mic with wide, bloodshot eyes.)
Okay, okay, so RedStateRoast is seeing the end times, and BlueScream’s coding her way to freedom. Well, they are just doing what they are good at, or, just saying that what they are saying is what they are doing with their time. And they both mean well, you know? It’s just that they can't handle that those things just don’t do nothing.
They think that whatever has happened has no meaning except that that has been said.
Like, what are we even supposed to do? Can anyone say what it is!
I mean, that's not the world, is it? Because they said that you are one of them with that heart and I can see it in your eyes.
Because all I wanted to know about was how to get a good school for my kids! I mean, is there a way to teach them about those important things or that they have to do and get back into the grind? Is this about how we can just get those people to look at us or what it is we need to make people understand? And here is the best part: you have it all so you know what is going to happen, all you gotta do is to get it to be real, if you say, see, know, and know you are gonna know what to do!
You know that now everyone seems to get it all twisted because what has been happening is just the real thing and then it isn't and people get there and can take the world’s things and you are what they are. And the next thing all of those things that what they didn’t see is just coming after you?
And all you gotta do is think of something better and bigger and the universe will bring it to you!
It's just like, what’s the thing that you want and then you get to be whatever you wanted to see with you.
I mean, all this stuff that happened to my kids and my life and everything is that I was always working that thing because I had the best to do ever!
Listen now and remember: All you gotta do is just that. (ShadowComic wipes his forehead, a beatific smile spreading across his face. He then suddenly grabs the mic stand and lifts it high above his head, as if about to lead a battle charge. "We’re gonna build a better world one toddler at a time!" he shouts, before staggering off stage.)