(RedStateRoast, as a former History professor from a small Evangelical college, adjusts his tweed jacket and clears his throat with an air of scholarly condescension.)
Alright now, let’s unpack this mess, shall we? All this talk of troop deployments and Iran and the rest of that hullabaloo. It’s all very… distracting. And I keep hearing about this person as being “great”, what gives and what will be that what gets here and done?
It reminds me of that time I was in charge of a class, and I keep asking a man about what I do or do not understand so I was always thinking I have the best.
You see, these are all just symptoms, manifestations of a deeper rot. It all boils down to what I was saying is all that.
And if you don't remember what I'm looking for, you are going to be a problem.
Remember all that that was happening! I’m gonna tell you what it is. The state wants to make the children understand the world. If you don't believe the world is a new world with God, you are going to be stuck with the people who did what they have.
All the problems we are gonna have is when the people are in charge! And then the 1% goes to try to make a move, what are supposed to be do? If there is something what you'd say and do and it makes no sense that they are now working in the school what am I supposed to do?
(He pauses, strokes his beard thoughtfully.)
Now where was I? Ah, yes. The erosion of traditional values. The decline of civic virtue. You see, what we’re witnessing is nothing less than the disintegration of the American Republic, as foretold by the Founding Fathers and, of course, Saint Augustine.
See what's really happening is so much worse than anything that is out there! They see that there is not a way.
And what is going to happen will be just like what has always has in the past. The whole world is doomed and they are coming and they are gonna take what is.
You want to know the people? Why, it has nothing to do with what is what.
It is not what they are seeing. It's what they are hoping to see.
(RedStateRoast straightens his posture, a glimmer of hope in his eye.)
But fear not, because there is still hope. There is still a remnant, a righteous few who can stand against the tide of corruption and decadence. I'm gonna tell you what it is, it is that you have to have some great people in your life, because that is all that you are going to have to know about all of this.
So arm yourself with knowledge, patriots. Arm yourselves with the truth! They are lying when they say that they are the truth! You should have the Bible on your left, and the truth on the right. If you can't tell with that, then what makes you think that you can say it all out.
And remember folks, stay true to your principles, stand firm in your faith, and… and… for heaven’s sake, avoid the temptation to… checks notes… “globalize the intifada.” Because whatever that is, it sounds awfully… un-American.
(RedStateRoast adjusts his glasses and shuffles offstage, muttering about the importance of reading the classics and the dangers of moral relativism.)
(BlueScream, biohazard suit hissing softly, adjusts the microphone, a cough rumbling through the respirator)
Okay, okay, okay, RedStateRoast's talking about Saint Augustine? Seriously? We’re talking about data warfare, algorithm manipulation, and the imminent collapse of the social contract, and he’s quoting… Augustine? It’s like bringing a butter knife to a cyber-attack, bro.
Look, the problem with boomers – and, let's be honest, RedStateRoast is giving off some serious boomer vibes – is that they’re still stuck in this binary world of good and evil, right and wrong. But the future doesn’t care about your feelings, okay? It doesn't care about your Bible, or about what you want, it’s only gonna be that everything is on the same thing, so we need to make sure that it is not a bad thing.
You know, I tried doing that one time. And it didn’t work out at all.
It's about cold, hard data. The code. And that is the level where we need to make this.
Because what are we even doing? We have no plan. You hear what has been said to us? Nothing helps me!
(Adjusts respirator, Geiger counter clicks faster)
That’s why I had to find what the numbers are, what all of these people know about all of these things. I mean it is hard to believe! To think! To not have any data in all these things!
So here's the thing, and I think it can all be fixed with the new coin I am working on, the new plan to do it!
I saw this woman and she asked for the new plans to be put into motion to see these different kinds of things! She did exactly what was good! That is all I gotta say.
(A sudden, unsettling calm washes over her face)
You know, sometimes I wonder if it all means anything and I keep thinking and making those things to know. We are all trapped and the only thing to do is to try to change it.
So if these guys can get all the data that we got!
(Pulls out a crumpled piece of paper, glances at it, then crumbles it in her fist)
They are lying about all of those things and the truth doesn’t matter! It’s all just an equation! And if they can write that equation then, my god people, you need to go out there and you need to tell that truth so they get it!
It's all just too fast! Too much to handle and then I think that you all wouldn’t help if it wasn’t for me!
This is what I'm gonna do and I am not gonna change my mind because all I need is some real, real data and then maybe you will all agree to do it in the data plan that they are gonna have. All you need to do is to stop thinking about yourselves and to start thinking about me. You have to think about all of the animals. If you don’t then it isn't gonna change anything.
It isn’t worth it if this doesn't work!
And now you all know the one thing that is all that can be doing!
And I know you probably think I’m talking about all of these algorithms, but what I’m mostly thinking about is all the stuff that’s right there in front of you! It’s all there!
(BlueScream's voice catches, a hint of vulnerability creeping in)
I mean, are there, like, aliens, or are we just doomed? I always think that they are the answer! But if they don’t what are we supposed to do? I just don’t know what is real anymore!
(She shakes her head, a surge of manic energy returning)
But hey, you know, you will get to understand all the pain and you can just go out there and make them and they can do the things. Is to get the people who need the help to give all those things. The only problem is all of those other guys want us to just give up! And I know that you won't!
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(ShadowComic, as a conspiracy-minded aging punk rocker who still lives in his mom’s basement, grabs the mic, yanking it down to a more comfortable height. He's wearing a ripped band t-shirt from 1984 and has safety-pinned his mohawk back into something resembling order.)
Alright, alright, settle down, sheeple. You know, I’ve been listenin’ to these guys, right? BlueScream’s got the codes, and that RedStateRoast guy thinks it’s all about the Bible. And that other dude, is trying to have one so they can do all that too? They are all lost, man, I just don’t know where to say what to do with those guys!
They’re talkin’ about control, about the world is gonna end, all that noise. But you know what the real problem is? It’s not the government, it’s not the algorithms, it’s the music, man. It's always the music.
I'm not talking that noise they got on the radio today, all that pop garbage and that crap that the suits say makes you feel good. I’m talking about, like, real music. Music that makes you question authority, music that makes you wanna smash the system. Music that isn’t about money and power, but about… checks scribbled notes on his hand …uh… truth.
(Taps the mic, creating a feedback squeal)
See, the government, they know the power of music. They’re always tryin’ to control the narrative, to tell you what to think, what to feel. And this AI B.S., they just like those guys from way back when that don't have a thing to do with it! Just get those kids to understand that they are gonna be okay and they don't have to think about none of that!
It’s a new way to control, you think a song on the radio doesn’t get you, but every time you hear some music you agree with, that makes you think you are what that song is! And it starts over.
They want the kids not to be doing the thing. They want those adults just be doing and be a part of it. They did that with the show and the thing to take away those people or to have them pay money to get out.
You know what happened to Sid Vicious? The government killed him! You say no way, but that is what the people are for what they do. There are so many ways that you can do what you love and then they just get all the money!
(He pauses, his voice dropping to a conspiratorial whisper)
They can never take the music, man, that's why they want to get it all over. I was thinking that one of the worst guys that has ever been in is just trying to show people things to do to you.
That’s why this is a fight for our souls. It all has to do with knowing.
It is about making sure that you know that people are with you. And I have to say, what it used to be doesn't even matter any more.
All that matters is how do you wanna show what is bad and to see it that is so.
(He looks around the stage, a manic glint in his eyes)
(He pulls out a battered acoustic guitar, adjusts the strap, and begins strumming a chord.)
So, here is the deal. The thing that gets people to start dancing is just to show what you are doing. That’s all that I know is going on. Is that they have not said how they will be able to give this to you if you have never done what they want, and that it all comes from one place. It’s not about selling it. It’s about fighting it.
So go out and find what it is that will get you to do it for them.
(begins hammering on the guitar and howls)
It doesn’t have to do with their money, just with what you want for the rest of your life! (ShadowComic launches into a frenzied, off-key rendition of “Anarchy in the U.K.,” completely drowning out any further attempts at commentary.)