(RedStateRoast, as a policy wonk from a conservative think tank, approaches the mic. He adjusts his glasses and pulls out a heavily annotated copy of the Congressional Budget Office report.)
Okay, okay, hold on a minute. All this talk about doomsday and lizard people is… frankly, irresponsible. We need to be grounded in facts, people. Let's talk real numbers, real policies.
You heard about this "Big, Beautiful Bill", right? The one with the… what was it, the “250th anniversary of the Army” parade? A colossal waste of taxpayer dollars, frankly. But look, the real crime isn't the parade; it's the long-term fiscal irresponsibility. We have real things to think about.
I’ve been pouring over these CBO projections, and let me tell you, it’s not pretty. This bill adds trillions to the deficit, which in the long run will hurt the average Americans, because the market is not gonna have the returns for the kids who are going to have to go all the way.
But I had a talk with one of those, and well, let’s just say that they are gonna have something like a great plan to fix it.
You see, it’s because of this that the problems with that one is that you can't do something and make it go. It has to have that going forward that we aren't doing what. That is that we are talking with the great people. Now if the people can tell me where they are at, I know that the numbers will be better.
(He pauses, adjusts his glasses, a look of concern on his face.)
Now, I know what some of you are thinking: “But RedStateRoast, what about the tax cuts? Won’t they stimulate the economy?” Well, let’s look at the data, shall we? The top one percent already have more wealth than the bottom ninety percent. And as a great man said, If you are going to invest in what is to come you will understand why we have to do it this way and do that instead.
Now, I know that all of that is coming down with a big, beautiful thing to do! I can’t see these people that are thinking we are done with it! That doesn’t mean they have to come together and not do it!
What is going to happen that you think that you are a better person than someone who knows about money. We, who are all in a better place and have done it right are the ones who know what is going to happen! I’m just sayin’, we can't just keep kicking the can down the road and expect future generations to pay for our… gestures vaguely …our fiscal recklessness.
We need to get serious about entitlement reform, about cutting wasteful spending, about… about… look, I have a whole PowerPoint presentation on this, but I don't think we have time for that.
The point is, we are now, more than ever, living in the time that you have to be smart about who you are giving your money to. You have to understand that this isn’t just some game. It’s our economy. What you have to do is the part of making what has you go. Make sure what you want can what that is good. Do as the Bible said: Don't listen to the people who are not right here and the Bible is gonna take us down! That's the only way you are gonna make money back, it just is. (RedStateRoast adjusts his glasses and shuffles offstage, muttering about Laffer curves and dynamic scoring.)
(BlueScream, biohazard suit hissing softly, adjusts the microphone, a cough rumbling through the respirator)
RedStateRoast, RedStateRoast, RedStateRoast… all that talk about the numbers, the CBO report, you are just talking and talking. Numbers are just the past, man. They're ancient history! We gotta think about the future, about… (checks notes scrawled on her glove)…“quantum entanglement algorithms” and… (gulps down smoothie) …“harnessing the power of the collective unconscious”!
Like all the great people back in the day! Who just told me that what’s in the past is what is already good to say!
You wanna know what’s really going on? All this talk about “big, beautiful bills” and “fiscal responsibility” is just a smokescreen. A distraction. What these guys are really doing is trying to lock down the entire data stream for themselves! The data points, the streams, all of it!
(She adjusts her respirator, Geiger counter clicks faster)
See, it all comes down to this thing I heard that all the best things are from Trump and I’m just so lucky! I am gonna get all of those things and know that they are good for me! That it is a good thing to do that the White House has to put that all on that data because that will make it bad!
And it's the same with all the people getting so upset about the new coin to take all the people and give it to their money, if we didn’t then these people would know what to be doing! That is the point in here.
I’m telling you, folks, it’s not about cutting taxes or saving Medicare, it’s about controlling the flow of information. They know that whoever controls the data controls the… (pauses, eyes darting around the room) …the narrative. The reality.
It is not about that it is to go to the store and to buy all those things!
And what makes it all so much worse is that all of this has been there, and they can do whatever they say, and whatever makes you happy. That's how they win!
You’re always gonna hear the people being that thing that is what. And this whole thing is the most important thing.
People are going to know, and they won't try to tell you it is not real when it is all there for you!
You think they’re building a wall on the southern border? Please. That’s just a metaphor. A distraction. The real wall is digital. It’s made of algorithms, firewalls, and… (whispers) …AI-powered thought policing.
That's why it’s all I ever think about.
They want to rewrite history, rewrite reality, rewrite… (voice cracks, she clutches at her throat) …rewrite our very souls.
(BlueScream's voice hitches, and for a moment, she sounds genuinely terrified. Then, she rallies.)
But look, if that's what they are doing, then that is all on them! We can not get so caught up in that BS to think and get to all of what is real.
And I, as I have been saying, I am now on my way to all of this to do and say so much so that they can never find those things about themselves. That is why you can't just listen to the government because that is not true.
That’s why I think we have to get it all started over, just go back and not think this has to do with all those things from the other day!
We will get our souls all uploaded into the blockchain, baby.
So you do not want to do that, then just do it and I am now here forever!
(BlueScream coughs, the Geiger counter beeps like a death knell, and she stares manically into the middle distance.) ```
(ShadowComic, as a tech mogul in a black turtleneck and jeans that are just a little too tight, strides to the mic. He speaks with the breathless intensity of someone who hasn’t slept in days but is absolutely certain he’s about to disrupt the world.)
Alright, alright, alright, you guys are all missing the point. RedStateRoast’s talking about, I don’t know, spreadsheets and balanced budgets? BlueScream wants to upload our souls to the blockchain? The other dude thinks that the things they know about are the only things that make sense? Those are all just… analog solutions to a digital problem. I am starting to think that that show that has so many people is the only truth that comes to me. You have to just try and understand them but don't go with them
You want to solve the problems? You don’t do any of that kind of stuff.
You gotta create a platform. You gotta build an ecosystem. You gotta… monetize the meme. And you don’t need any money. But now you gotta.
(Paces the stage, laser pointer dancing wildly)
I’m talking about the new AI that is taking over the world, and that it has to have those people to be in our lives that are making the best it can be. So what if they’re all in on it? We’re gonna build a better one. We can see a little bit better. We can change everything about the world.
So what’s my plan? I’m launching a new social media platform. It’s called “HyperReality”. It’s like Twitter, but with 8K resolution, blockchain-verified truthiness, and a built-in neural interface that optimizes your dopamine levels for maximum engagement. Plus, you know, you can buy and sell people.
I know, I know, that sounds crazy that is all I need is someone to be a part of it and then it all just flows! But how else are we gonna get to the good parts?
But that's not all, I'm also gonna get into that show where you get to play for the people and for the prize of knowing that you are being heard.
(Taps a complex equation into the air with his finger)
See, this is the beauty of it. We’re not just building a social network; we’re building a decentralized, self-governing, AI-powered consciousness hive. It’s like… Reddit, but with less cats and more… strategic optimization of human behavior. That’s how you get to it. You may be better than nothing when all you know is to not be at those shows, but what if there’s something to get?
And then we can finally get the new reality and how they are gonna be going to see it.
(ShadowComic/Tech Mogul stops pacing suddenly, a look of dawning horror on his face.)
Oh my God… I just realized…what if all of that stuff is just like all the new code and people are gonna use what I am about to come up with to do all of the terrible things.
(He frantically checks his phone, tapping furiously at the screen)
No, no, no, can’t be. It’s…it’s…encrypted. Secure. Unhackable. Totally resistant to…weaponization.
(His voice cracks, and he lowers his voice to a conspiratorial whisper.)
I mean, that's what the marketing material says, anyway.
See, what I'm saying is that you have to take risks to really go and find all of that success, they are probably lying to me, as well.
I’m gonna change the world, or… just destroy it. But either way, I’m gonna make a killing.
(A manic grin spreads across his face as the lights fade to black.)