(RedStateRoast, as a suburban mom in yoga pants and an athleisure hoodie, takes the mic, adjusting it nervously. She clutches a reusable shopping bag overflowing with organic produce and essential oils.)
Okay, so, like, I’ve been listening, and all this talk about power grabs and lizard people? It’s just…stressful, okay? I mean, I’m trying to raise organic, free-range children in this crazy world, and all I’m hearing is doom and gloom. Can we just, like, manifest some positivity for once?
Did you hear about the lady that got stuck in her house because her door was too small and the thing she was working on didn't get the right power for this to happen to all the people out there? I mean what's with the kids these days.
I mean what am I supposed to say to my kids, who are supposed to be safe at a school?
Look, I am the only mom that I know that lets the kids in the school!
And all this about the world that will keep taking and what is up with that? It is like saying that our kids are being lied to by saying if you want to do, then you can do it.
(She sighs dramatically.)
But you know what really grinds my organic, fair-trade coffee beans? All this talk about elections being rigged. It’s just…divisive, okay? And it’s bad for the children’s chakras. What are we saying that it’s supposed to be like to have? How will they be able to handle it? They will just know that it is a little bad. I'm not sure if that is a sign of me or if it's one of the kids.
What I always say when all of this is happening, I just think we did the bad thing with saying all that, but who are we? We're just a few people to make everything right.
It all brings me back to the school district. I don’t even know what is on and it makes me want to do more.
And you know what? All that you had was so wrong.
I'll just leave you here. It’s just not cool. We need to come together, like, meditate on a positive outcome. And maybe, just maybe, buy some crystals. I have this great amethyst one that supposedly repels negative energy…
(She trails off, a hopeful look on her face.)
Anyway, Namaste.
(BlueScream, now wearing a form-fitting catsuit made entirely of newsprint headlines. A small, blinking server rack hums quietly next to her.)
Yeah, RedStateRoast and that crystal lady are adorable. But the problem with all this "positivity" and "inner peace" is that it's just… passive. You’re letting them rewrite the code while you're busy aligning your chakras. It's like trying to fight a DDoS attack with aromatherapy candles, ya know? You wanna be positive, fine, but I'm building a better algorithm.
And I wanted to talk to you all about the election! What do you think is so different with all those people? So for what those crazy people, I know it but it's the fact that they are just trying to create all these things, it's not gonna be fun. What is this all supposed to do, for all of those plans!
(Adjusts a stray piece of newsprint on her thigh, revealing a headline that reads "Trump Threatens To Seize Control of TikTok For Crypto Farm")
Here’s the thing about a new government. It is not just about money. It’s the data, man! It’s always the data!
I was just reading some new thing and the way that you get all those things done is to change the world for the better!
(She gestures to the server rack beside her)
I’m gonna tell you something that I just discovered. That you have to get the right code out so that everyone can be happy and that it is all gonna be great!
And yeah, now I need your help, because it is a new thing! I think the problem is that all of them are not gonna see what the thing is gonna do for them. And you just need to have a plan for that. I was reading that this is what all of you want to have at the end of the day! I can stop it. I know it.
The thing is, how do you get the data? How do you control the algorithm? It’s not about burning it all down. If you just delete it all, the wrong people can get it and do it! No one wants that.
I’ve been working on this for so long. No one has been able to see what will be done and I swear I am telling the truth!
(Her voice starts to crack, eyes darting around the room)
The algorithms can tell you a lot of things, but they can’t tell you… the meaning of life, right? It is all just that it is all gonna be fine after all?
We need to create some new things that all of these people are trying to create! I have been working on it, and it is almost ready for all of you!
Look, here's the thing: if you're not building it you are going to be just saying all of this.
(Stares into the middle distance, a manic energy rising.)
So, what does this even mean? It means it's time to stop complaining about the system and start… rewriting it. We have to create an alternative to all of this. We have to build our own… algorithm of empathy. I’m talking about a system that values human connection, creativity, and something that is like this at all. It would be as easy to see all of the great things from these people again and you know that they are thinking about what all of them are!
It’s time to build our own platforms, create our own data streams, and build a world where everyone is able to have that happen.
That's all I have. You all need to just have the power to do it again. It has been real.
(She pulls out a small, crumpled receipt, scribbling furiously on it with a Sharpie.)
Look for the beta launch in Q4. Seed funding accepted in the form of functional Javascript code and ethically sourced kombucha. Oh, and no lizards.
```
(ShadowComic, as a jaded Gen X record store owner with a penchant for obscure vinyl and a conspiracy theory for every occasion, leans into the mic.)
Alright, alright, alright, you dig? RedStateRoast’s all about the family and their money, that’s just the way it goes, BlueScream’s tryna build a new world in a computer, and that other dude is just gonna get us ready!
But you have to ask yourself: Do you ever just look at the world and say, “What Is This”!?
See, here’s the thing. It is the reason why that one guy is always seeing this and then seeing this all. All those guys are trying to see to make sure they are doing. They all have to say that it has to be that or they don't want to be real at all.
Like, did you all see this about all the records? No one's buying this new stuff and they're like, what's the deal? Why aren't all the people seeing what we're saying. I saw a guy a week from this, and thought he was cool, and then he was gonna be someone else!
You see, it’s all a conspiracy, man.
I'm not talking tinfoil hat stuff. I’m talking about a carefully orchestrated plan to erase our collective memory, to replace our history with… synthetic nostalgia. It’s just a way to sell us that new music from Kanye and sell us records! The kids see that now, but they never got to see when it all came from.
(Taps the mic, the sound echoing hollowly)
Think about it. All these “new” artists? They’re just regurgitating the past, repackaging old riffs and recycled lyrics. They're not making anything new, they are just selling it to the people from long ago. Like if a band was trying to make some new song and you thought about what it was to sell you to not think about what's been out there since like all of time.
We didn't have all those guys going around that were gonna kill the bad time!
And all these rich guys that keep saying they have the thing, and then never get it. Like a band that can't even get into the scene!
That's why I'm opening a new kind of record store. It's called "The Vinyl Vault," because what happened to all these guys is that they didn't even understand who we are, because everything is out of stock. I have something for you, though:
If all of these guys aren't helping you, then who are these people.
(Leans into the mic, conspiratorially)
See, that’s the truth. All the stuff and the things that have been doing and getting ready to take over and the people that are lying to you are just saying the same thing and trying to think to the point and tell you that what is all going on just doesn’t have the power to be all the same because they are getting to you so here is the real message!
(ShadowComic pulls out a vinyl record, holds it up like a sacred artifact, and exits, leaving the audience to ponder the vinyl artifact.)
Today's date is 20250704. The year is 2025 and we are living in a much-changed world. You have just read a fresh batch of Reddit posts and a web search summary about the latest US politics:
[Reddit summary] Post: Trump says states should decide on punishment for abortions
Top Comments: - He doesn't want to take responsibility. Because he's a coward. - A coward and a dictator. I would rather them just tell us they support killing babies instead of trying to play both sides. - I've said for a while that the most likely end result is a Balkanized mess where people flee to states that align with their ideology.
But hey, at least he's "leaving it to the states", right? - "States rights" when it comes to this issue is "we'll still do it, but it's up to your state to go out of your way to stop us".
It's the same thing slave owners said before the Civil War. - A real leader would stand by his conviction and declare it to be either right or wrong in no uncertain terms.
Trump is a coward and an opportunist. - This is a dog whistle to the right wing. He's not taking a position on it but giving the ok to states that want to pass laws to do so. - I've said it once and I'll say it again. If you don't like abortions, don't get one. - This is how democracy ends. - He just wants to fire up his base. - So he’s pandering to his base while simultaneously trying to appear moderate to the rest of the country. Classic Orange clown. - The best comment I ever heard was: "Women are not incubators, they are human beings" - States rights have never been about freedom or self determination. Its always been about slavery and discrimination. - A real leader should have stuck to his guns and said ‘yes, I over turned Roe, I wanted to give the power back to the states and they now have it.
Instead he flip flops like a fish out of water because he knows he would lose support