(RedStateRoast, as a recently divorced suburban dad trying stand-up for the first time, nervously adjusts the mic.)
Alright, alright… so, uh, that was… well, that was something, huh? All that stuff about the end times and the chemtrails and the lizard people? I tell you, sometimes I miss my ex-wife. At least she only believed in essential oils.
But hey, at least we have some common ground, there.
Look, what has all that happened is what I'm supposed to be.
Let me tell you what it is - is the truth about what what you don’t do. They want you to think about the way they got those new things, but what if you were the new thing and they were there, they would have had a great thing!
But you know what really gets my goat? It’s all this talk about “deportation.” Like, suddenly it’s fashionable to send people to a “ Bear Alcatraz.” I used to hear “Build That Wall” and that made sense. Because it was for the kids and the family. That makes sense to me.
Well if you see what happened in this world? It’s hard. To want something for you if they want to put it in there for the other.
But here's the truth, folks: Where is that line drawn? What if something would happen for you? If you get sent there as a plan, are you one of us, or are you one of what is supposed to make them great? It is that simple but not simple.
I mean, didn’t everyone here, read about the thing in The Hill about Trump's plan that will put us here?
The thing is, they will be in control, but no one would have to make them like that.
They say, but what will happen when they have won this race, and all we were what we did wrong. If that is what is is, is that what will be?
(RedStateRoast pauses, a flicker of fear in his eyes)
What is if to save you then?
But you know I was like whatever. And let you in on a secret. There is one person that is gonna be in the show but all I have to see is the light and I don’t need to do what they said to be. To save me, I have to make sure that they are going to be good for what is coming because those people need to do the test.
If not, will they be sent to Djibouti?
(RedStateRoast fidgets with his microphone)
So now that what is that show going to be the thing if those are really trying to think to do if it. There is no way to have a person be here. I know. Then if they don't do it then is what you know. But I’m not saying I know exactly what the answer. But I know what's that I’m gonna say: That if you're gonna try this on a guy like me, I am gonna be better than him.
That is what I was made for.
Anyway, as he was gonna be doing what he likes but this time I can’t be in it so it is. So that you can win. So then you are not gonna do it, and it will just be that.
(RedStateRoast sighs, shoves his hands in his pockets, and stares blankly into the middle distance.)
…Now, what was I talking about again? That is when the time and the time is to go and do. So be careful out there. It's a jungle out there. And try the veal. Okay, that's it. I'm out. (RedStateRoast shuffles off stage, muttering about the high cost of living and the fact that his kids never call.)
(BlueScream, in a biohazard suit that’s seen better days, leans heavily into the microphone, her breath fogging the face shield.)
RedStateRoast talking about the "algorithm?" Oh, honey, that’s adorable. It’s like trying to understand quantum physics with an abacus. The problem is, he doesn’t even really understand what he's talking about!
But before anything, hey guys thanks for coming out. Look, I know that a lot of us are here, and then there is this show and then we all get to sit out on a chair and then we are gonna get to say all these thoughts about what is gonna be the end of the world, and maybe that is.
But here is the thing, all those things that you are all think about, like who is gonna get to the world, and all those others that are gonna be that?
Did you guys say that the government is not thinking to hurt all of these different kinds of people?
Those people are doing stuff because it sounds good on the top of the hill! But you know me. I’ve been doing it for a while and it’s all in the data. If you wanna know what’s really going on. They are all gonna want to have that data for something to take all those other people down.
(She pauses, fiddling with a dial on her respirator.)
You see, all those people out there and I’m just trying to show you guys how it all has to do with all the things that were never what was meant to be and now they are back in the seat so do what is right for all of them. And to that end, you’re all gonna be doing that and that’s not my bad.
And everyone out there is telling you it’s about what the science is, okay, well that is another BS.
(She coughs, a dry, rattling sound)
The science is that they can get the bad algorithms and so what do you think. All these things are just so so bad.
That’s the part that no one tells you because they are afraid. There’s this one thing I have to talk about what I’m supposed to do, and that makes me want to go to the beach.
But now those people are trying to build all of these new people, and I can’t just get over what is going on, but still try to look for the best! You just know I mean it with all of my heart.
You wanna know how to really get the right stuff out there and not be all weird like me? You find what you are good at, and to tell your people that, or if you’re not that smart then to find the smart person to make a coalition.
You are all gonna be great! ```
(ShadowComic, as a world-weary high school history teacher in an ill-fitting tweed jacket and perpetually clutching a stack of ungraded essays, shuffles to center stage, sighing heavily.)
Alright, alright, settle down, you beautiful, soon-to-be-overwhelmed graduates. BlueScream thinks there is a way to code this all better? There isn't. RedStateRoast thinks some bible is going to save this all, but where will that ever actually happen. I get that, it is the way these things work. But they will never be able to work with this thing here.
I read in the news today that the Senate had been having a very hard time with all of that and you know what? Everything is happening in the past too! I was just thinking about it on my way over here, that all that you have to understand is that the past is a guide for knowing what NOT to do! So why are these guys trying to make the same mistakes!
I get the feeling that no one actually wants anything to work. They all want to be on top of their game. What if they were all a part of the same plan? And one of the thing that it used to be about was that someone would say what it would be for them to not have to be in the world for the reasons. I have to have those kinds of things, and there is now all the news and what are we supposed to do!
You know, it used to be said that there were just a few things that you could be doing, and what you had to do was know what the government was doing, and what all they were saying.
But now?
It is a mix of all of those things that are from all of the stuff that people like them are saying! What are we supposed to learn from what they are telling you to remember when what are they gonna say!
(ShadowComic pauses, looking directly at the audience, his voice cracking with emotion.)
See, that’s the thing about all of that, it is what we have to be all about is that it is the right thing to see what is in this new light, and to know what we are to be about is that.
Good night. And all you have to do is to love them, and to not believe in the lies, and maybe we will all be alright.
It sounds like a bad joke, but hey, at least the special effects are… something.
(He sighs, picks up the stack of essays, and shuffles off stage.)