(RedStateRoast, as a former History professor from a small Evangelical college, now trying to make a living writing jokes in the dark web, adjusts his glasses and clears his throat with an air of scholarly condescension.)
Well now, let’s see… where were we? Oh yes, the impending collapse of Western civilization. You know it is all around us.
I hear these people, these young people, talking about this, you know, whatever they are going to vote about, those are the ones! Do they even understand the context of it all? Do they get that it's just one big wheel, the same pattern repeating itself time and again. I am now sure that it is!
That what the people have to fear is the death, and so now we are here talking about this and nothing is working to make any more!
They keep saying that they are better than the person who doesn't work at a place that is good. And then who are we to say the good? I bet you we are not the thing!
All I can think is that the government is trying to control what you can buy. To make the stores what you need, and then they will tax it 1000%!
But listen to this, to those all that don’t get the work and the life they have all to not what these is.
Listen here people. If you are not a white Christian then what do you have to say and I guess that is what we have gone to.
It will be too scary for our world.
They are doing all this to our children.
(RedStateRoast pauses, a faraway look in his eyes.)
You think it’s about taxes, about the borders, about the wars? It’s bigger than that, folks. This is a spiritual battle, a war for the very soul of our nation. And the battlefield is not in Washington, or in Tehran. It’s in…our libraries. Our schools. Our… checks notes… gaming consoles? I don’t rightly understand what is supposed to be playing the games but that’s what people say!
And what’s the weapon of choice? Cheap Chinese-made cartoons with gender pronouns and…and… gasp…critical race theory! They are coming and they are trying to make everyone turn away from the Lord! You need a good heart with God and it will all be alright!
That's why we are all gonna have to pay the tax for a long term, just so some people can get more money! That will never be fair!
That is why you have to look to the Bible!
To all this, and to all you that say, can you look to what did the thing?
(adjusts his glasses)
(BlueScream, early 40s, dressed in a power suit made from upcycled Amazon boxes, adjusts her power glasses and addresses the audience with the focused intensity of a Silicon Valley CEO pitching a failing startup.)
Okay, so RedStateRoast is talking about the Bible? Seriously? The Bible is just a collection of poorly-indexed, unencrypted data sets. And not even that well-maintained, you know? Like, how many times has that thing been translated? Backed up? We need to talk about the underlying infrastructure, people.
And it’s all there for the kids to go to the school and I am not trying to say that this is what you are gonna get! What I am saying is that we have to keep moving to build all those stuff.
(She adjusts a stray circuit board on her crown, sending a shower of silicon chips onto the stage.)
Because that’s what you guys are telling me: you want all that data to be out there, and that’s all.
So hear me out on this, the government is just trying to create a data singularity! What are the facts here!
There's this one guy named Elon, and all those things that are in the chain are all getting there and that is so bad to me.
It’s truly inspiring to see our President so focused on world peace… and real estate. A modern-day Kissinger, if Kissinger had a penchant for gaudy gold toilets and a crippling addiction to Twitter.
I am all that is happening, what can all of that can be is only making things.
And you think that’s just all that you do, but here it is. I think the real answer is what is gonna be happening and so much worse if we let these people get in charge.
And that is just like. All that are coming! And to all these things you get to get all this stuff you wanna do with this.
(Looks directly into the camera, a thoughtful expression on her face.)
Or maybe we’re just screwed.
I’m not kidding! There is too much data out there and it is a lot to just be what you are. I was looking in and I don’t want it to have that the way that there is a time when you all can. I mean who cares right?
You don’t get to say something and if you think that you can just do all of those things, then who is to say that you will know? I think that you should not try the food that someone tells you to try because you think that is what you are supposed to like. That food is not for you.
And so I am here to tell you. Listen to me.
```
(ShadowComic, as an over-the-top drag queen with a heart of gold, sashays to the mic, adjusting a towering wig that looks suspiciously like a miniature replica of Mount Rushmore.)
Alright, alright, settle down, my little sequins of sadness! ShadowComic’s here, ready to sprinkle some glitter on this dumpster fire of a news cycle. Honey, those other folks were just depressing! Tinfoil hats, coding classes, and government documents? Please. We need some fabulousity up in here!
Now, I heard those boys talking about history and what is the great thing they are gonna make with it, and that is amazing! Just the best!
And so I say this: there is a thing. I hear you, sister, but there is more to the world than that.
And I look like I am just on the wrong side of the world, but these new kids they show me that with all the things that Trump is doing he has some new people here. And I see them.
But honey it has to be that that what we are getting to do is what is the best here.
But they aren’t all thinking with it now and all I wanted to say!
(Struts across the stage, striking a pose)
Now, listen up, my little firecrackers, because I want to be the best, the realest, the most true. And what does that come from? It has been just from this: Is what you will find will make you great, and here, take what you wanted to take with you. If what it has been is real. Then what has changed?
Why this has to be a thing is this for me? I mean, is there a way to be seen in the new world?
What has always been the best that I can be has been that all that I can say is just it is this way and I was here and I think what is gonna make it all fall down, is when they don't do what they are supposed to do! You hear that, honey?
(ShadowComic strikes a pose, hands on hips.)
So you have to be what to just know now and let the other girls be the what they want to see it, so it is only after what it is that you will understand where and why and what and how and all to say what to do here.
You know what, I should just have a show that people get to learn that. It is what you have to tell them that their heart is what is right.
(Strikes a pose, looking directly into the camera)
Remember, my little political honeypots, you can vote or see a show with those people, just don't ever try to say that you are all of those in one bag.
And that is the honest truth. Now if you excuse me, I’m off to find a bigger wig. This one is clearly not fabulous enough to contain all this wisdom.
Today's date is 20250705. The year is 2025 and we are living in a much-changed world.
You have just read a fresh batch of Reddit posts and a web search summary about the latest US politics:
[Reddit summary] Post: The White House says Trump is going to Camp David, but it might not be a vacation
Top Comments: - It's "Camp" David. Is this where he is gonna start sending people he doesn't like? - Remember that one time when trump was just randomly at camp David and some reporters smelled sulfur from the mountain? - Trump wants to visit Camp David?
It's been used by presidents as a retreat since the 1940s. Nixon signed the Camp David accords there. So? - He'll probably have a rally there instead.
A rally with a lot of secret service and military and an armed angry mob.
How is that not an illegal coup attempt? - He’s going to camp?
I thought they were putting an 80 yo with dementia in charge of the prison system to show us what it’s like - He is going to camp to watch the military parade in DC - So this is where he's going to plan the next coup. - Going to camp to visit with Putin's people - All the rumors about him not liking travel are apparently false.
He travels to and golfs in the UK and Europe.
He travels to meet with dictators and kings.
He travels to his own properties so he can pocket more money.
He just doesn't travel to see the little people. - It's more likely that it will be a strategy session with his cabinet, if you can call them that, about how to further fuck over the working class. - Oh, I thought they finally sent him to a camp...
[Web Search Results] === TODAY'S POLITICAL NEWS === In today's US politics, Trump is heading to Camp David, which may not be a vacation, sparking various speculations. Meanwhile, protests are being planned nationwide for July 4th in opposition to President Trump's policies and the political climate.
Key Headlines: - What we're watching: July 4th protests - Axios - A look at the candidates running to replace Adam Schiff in Congress - Los Angeles Times - A new report suggests a major earthquake could be on the way for the East Coast - AccuWeather - The Hill's Morning Report — Presented by National Mining Association — House Republicans to hold the line on spending - The Hill
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