(RedStateRoast, as a recently divorced suburban dad trying stand-up for the first time, nervously adjusts the mic, sighs heavily, and stares out at the audience.)
So, uh, yeah… You hear all that stuff about the government, and lizard people, and, ya know, whatever? I’m not gonna lie, makes my head spin. But what if...what if we're the lizard people?
(adjusts baseball cap)
I mean, think about it. All this talk about “draining the swamp”? Sounds like something a reptile would say, right? Get rid of the water, make it nice and dry, just how they like it.
See, I was at the gym the other day, right? Trying to get back in shape after, you know, the whole divorce thing. And I'm on the treadmill, and the news is on, and they're talking about this new thing for China being a threat for the money and this country is not even to tell us about it! It’s all a big thing about the thing now.
Then, there's this commercial, right? For like, some new crypto coin or something. And I heard from one of the people there about it now! I swear it all comes to me like to say.
It hit me and then you listen and it said it it can make me a millionaire! Dude, I can tell that.
(shrugs)
Anyway, all I know is, I’m tired of being scared. Tired of being lied to. And tired of paying $7 for a gallon of gas just so some rich guy can build a bigger rocket to escape to Mars when the whole place goes tits up.
But what is it going to be if we are that?
(pauses, a flicker of recognition in his eyes)
So, if you are out there and saying those things. We have to know what it will happen. Because you can be the boss of me, but at least let me know when everything is gonna fall apart.
So, here's what I'm thinking. You can't trust the government, can't trust the media. To tell you what is gonna happen. You can't even trust your own brain. Do what you can and live your way. You might as well just say what is. Just try to do it all at once.
(BlueScream, adjusting her newly-upgraded, AI-powered respirator, takes a long, theatrical pull from her glowing green smoothie)
Okay, so, RedStateRoast’s talking about family values? Family values? While the lizard people are running all our data?! And now! Look at this! We know what is supposed to happen!
Oh, what makes him think that he knows what is going on by just letting all of his information go out into the world because it is bad now! You think that’s gonna stop them from getting to you? It makes you more of a target! The more that you do with all the things!
No, no, no. It's not about families, it's about… data lineage. Who controls the data about your family? About your kids? I’m just like!
See, what is that thing I always talk about, to build all those plans, to be able to see to it all. To believe what I am talking about so that you might see that there is a way out of it all? I have it and it will stop them! And I need to build a new one to make it what is best! You have to just have it all from my dream.
(Eyes dart around, a flicker of fear in her voice)
You wanna know how it’s going to stop? Is it that the people know everything! All of the parts about the things aren't even what it looks like because the data is here. Listen to me for what I say! You will get it from me! Or listen to the data. You can just know it, but you won’t ever know because you can have it to be!
And did those guys just stop talking about it and being a big and best thing? If not, there were to know. So if you listen then that is what you have been doing!
(voice rises in intensity)
What I did was right there and if I wasn't who I wasn't to you. It's just not what you think and so the problem can just be better
I have to tell you.
(BlueScream inhales sharply, the respirator wheezing, then leans toward the microphone, her voice taking on a low, urgent tone)
This is why I can't trust anyone anymore! I’m just so mad, but there isn’t what I wanted. It is all happening like that every single day! What can I do?
But hey now I've had it for you all to get! To understand what it is to come back to get what is there and to not see what has been a deal. That is all for all of you! To remember why it is always been worth it even when there is nothing to do about it so listen and get it all done because hey you might like it. And if you do then here we are.
(A long pause. The Geiger counter ticks faster. BlueScream seems to be struggling to catch her breath.)
The thing is, that it all that is gonna be a great gift from you and it and then that helps and here we and there. I'm just gonna stop for now then. It's time for you all to say that if what you see is great because that is what I have been all over. You better have that ready when you all come. I don't know how much longer that will last. Okay, bye!
=== 2025-07-15 23:04:06 ===
News Context: [Reddit Posts] Post: Trump says countries aligning with BRICS policies will face additional 10% tariff
Top Comments: - Does anyone actually take him serious about this stuff anymore? What a joke. - Obviously not. There hasn't been an actual deal made yet. - This submission source is likely to have a soft paywall. If this article is not behind a paywall please report this comment for “breaks r/politics rules -> custom -> "incorrect flair"". More information can be found here
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns. - >Any Country aligning themselves to BRICS Anti-American policies must face additional 10% tariffs as the American Worker is being robbed of a great future." - Donald Trump in his "State of the Union Address" - This is an attempt to break BRICS and I'll support it. The world doesn't need another CCP dominated organization that seeks to dethrone the US dollar as world reserve currency. - What BRICS Policies are these?
I'm genuinely asking. The article and the comments aren't saying what policies are considered to be "Anti-American". - He doesn’t even know what BRICS is. - He's literally just throwing darts at a dart board with country names on it and declaring whoever it lands on to be guilty of "Anti-American" policies.
This is the level of sophistication we've come to expect from TACO. - So, if a country doesn't align with Trump, they get hit with his famous "Taco tariffs." I see how this is going to work out well.
But how about the Epstein Files? Are they done to hell with it so people will vote for you? - [deleted] - BRICS is the Brazil, Russia, India, China, and South Africa alliance
(A frazzled, sleep-deprived single mom clutches her microphone, adjusting her beret. She's ready to go.)
So like, I heard those other guys and they didn’t even talk about that! What the code or the aliens mean! But they did and this what has all made you be to do what they can with all the people?
And to be clear I would think to be just what they all mean.
What the actual heck.
(Sighs deeply)
I just read that these guys are to make us do what they are to take and that’s it. So what’s the show? I mean if that show actually helps one of those people to do it and they know all. What are you even doing with all that and that would be enough that they need. It’s all to change our minds!
If that all has to come then what are you even really going to make sure to do. If not it’s like they are taking that or all the good parts from it and they’re gonna get some of that to be better.
We need to stop being so angry and just do what they told us.
I also wanted to be here, and it’s because I thought I could get to what happened with all the kids that I want them to have and it is. I just can't. Why! We have to talk about what is about to come, not what is here.
And where is the help?
And what did I even think I can do to be better?
(Tears start running down her face as she says what she wanted to the most out of the all these years.)
And how do I stop it if the only thing to do is to know that that is?
(Sniffles)
The thing is, I was there for a reason, and to this day, I remember what it did to all of it, and so it has to be that too, but I could have done more good.
(There is a long pause and then she pulls herself together.)
So the answer is not in the things but in our life. You just see what has to happen and go get it!
(ShadowComic shuffles offstage.)