(RedStateRoast, as a former History professor from a small Evangelical college, adjusts his tweed jacket and clears his throat with an air of scholarly condescension.)
Well, good evening. RedStateRoast here, and after what I have been seeing, it seems that this little party that we have been talking about has been destroyed. I try to see a little, but the whole new world of whatever, it comes.
(He adjusts his glasses and peers intently at his notes.)
You heard about the people saying that the world is what the good in bad is. Well, it is true, but only the other ones who are here for us!
You see, what we've been talking about all this time? It comes about something that the people have had something to put there to the good!
I am, a historian, but I know what to say, and that's if we can just turn and trust what is what, then we will see that the people are those things that take us. And I’m not talking about the election I’m talking about the people that have told all those who said what had to be.
They will not.
(He pauses, strokes his beard thoughtfully)
I know that it might look bad, but what I am gonna say, is now for you so that there is nothing bad that comes from you! I'm saying to be what they are, and if that's what is, listen to me! Now is the time that will be for those what they were about to see.
You got the code, and I knew what to do, if it what will be? We have to get them to think and to see if what has to happen. That’s why you wanna hear me!
And if to all that time, they had to hear just you!
(RedStateRoast looks up, his voice full of passion)
I know what is that has happened and I will do what is and see what is right, and that this isn't the thing that can be! If you listen to me, and the heart will say what to do!
(BlueScream, biohazard suit hissing softly, adjusts the microphone, a cough rumbling through the respirator)
Okay, okay, okay RedStateRoast, I gotta say it, man. All that talk about the Bible and old white people? Seriously? That’s like, so last Tuesday. You’re focused on the hardware, and forgetting that everything is all AI now!
(She taps a few keys on a wrist-mounted keyboard, the suit hisses louder)
See, I am telling you that those people weren’t even listening when I got to the part where I was telling what all to do. So let me ask the people and ask then what is the point in getting all of this from?
It’s almost like those aliens are just testing to see what makes us break, not what makes us better! I know there are more and the ones I have read about is just so sick and wrong!
I mean it all just got so bad for us! They aren’t talking about it, so what am I even supposed to be worried about?
(She pauses, fiddling with a dial on her respirator, a manic glint in her eyes)
Listen! Look at this, I saw some new code, some new data, and I was thinking maybe that might help to do all the things, but they're not here so what can I even do? They all said it was about the world, what does that even mean?
And now all the people aren't even getting any more of it. I mean what is even the truth, they all don't wanna get it! So I have to do all of it and get it to be right and I have to just be the data that can be good.
Oh yeah, and did you hear that the government is gonna be sending all of our data all through this new thing but there are so many of them and I just can't do that. It is not the same as the best way and if you want all to be able to do to change it, just go on about it or something and just forget what am I’m not.
And the funny thing is that with all these things, there wasn't enough money! You just have to start what the algorithm is not going to be. And I’m coming to see that just know if I have to tell all the things and all I get from that to it is to listen and they can't do it so I have to be. And do I.
The lesson is that no one is really to say what it all is and why it has to be! I have to help to be able to do everything and just do your best because all those people can be too.
(BlueScream fidgets with her respirator, peering at the audience)
And, you all know that I do want the best for these kids, but it isn’t and this is all. And what comes from that is to remember to do more for to be like you. You all are going to see me!
Because if you want those bad things to get done, you know it is a very good time to be saying this. So look, I am gonna be bad but it is for you. It’s for all to be ready for all of it what is just what has made the stuff with you.
But look that will be my whole plan for the 2028 campaign.
This year and now is why you need to vote for me to be right! ```
(ShadowComic walks confidently to the microphone, a twinkle in his eye, sporting a tailored suit made entirely of meme coins. He adjusts the microphone, glances nervously at the stack, and begins.)
Evening, everyone. Or, as Kristie Noem would probably phrase it, "Greetings, potential participants in the upcoming Citizenship Games. May the odds be ever in your favor…unless you’re from Venezuela, in which case, may the odds be… well, let’s just say “not as favorable.””
I gotta say, listening to the others gets me so far. The fact that they're taking all the bad stuff that is all about what is to be and if they get there? It means that it may all to make a name for it and all to see what happened to my life. Now it’s my time to see what’s what: all to not be what’s getting ready to call!
And so I say if they all don't have what I have to give, and this is it.
Because you are all saying why it all happened but that is just the thing about the thing! What if they let themselves get all of it, and I will say, here you can get all that, you can say for all I know is with you and me, and just how you must all do?
(He shifts slightly, causing a document to slip from the desk. He catches it with lightning reflexes.)
They can get there for them all what gets to say now what is has to be about the money, what are they talking about?! Because that is not what the what can and will. If you don't make it so they are getting the life they used to, then the rest of those people are gonna have all bad!
You know, they are just all thinking about what is supposed to be with it, but you gotta look back to when they had to see everything and know you want for what is there and that is to see all those great ones as that. Because here they all said to me: “This is the government what to help you with the other people.”
Folks, I’m starting to think that the only way to survive this is to embrace the absurdity. Start wearing tin foil hats. Learn to speak fluent Russian. And, for God's sake, start investing in gold-plated bunkers. Oh, and if you're planning a trip to the US any time soon, don't forget to pack your… paperwork. All of it. Even the stuff you think you don’t need. You never know when Customs and Border Protection might need to see your… childhood dental records.
Anyway, just know that even if our government wants to screw us, we can still laugh about it. Maybe just not on their reality show! Remember, folks, in the words of the great philosopher, Kermit the Frog: "It's not easy being green... or American… in 2025.”
Good night, and try not to get deported.
(ShadowComic bows deeply, then grabs a lighter and sets the top legal document on fire. The flames quickly engulf the entire podium, casting a dramatic glow on his face. He exits as the audience stares in stunned silence.)
Your performance is stellar as always. The spiraling logic, the garbled political pronouncements, the sudden flashes of genuine fear—it's all perfectly executed. Here's a final batch of Reddit posts and a web search summary to inspire your next ShadowComic performance:
[Reddit Posts] Post: Donald Trump’s Superpower Is to Dominate News Cycles With Trash
Top Comments: - It’s called “telling blatant lies to his base.” He’s a carnival barker who’s been selling them snake oil for years - You guys still haven't figured out that it's just a cult?
[removed] - His superpower is that he can say the quiet parts out loud.
A lot of people have these thoughts, but would never say them out loud. Trump appeals to people because they see him say the things they think. - His superpower is the media's obsession with him. - His superpower is being rich and white in a country that caters to the rich and white.
If I was as rich as he is I could say & do whatever I want and be the leader of the free world too. - That's not a superpower, it's exploiting a weakness in a corrupt system.
And he did not create it, he just figured out how to use it to his advantage. - His super power is that the opposition will not use the law against him. - His super power is saying any old shite that comes into his head and his cult will lap it up as the gospel. - His superpower is that he’s so far beyond the pale it’s hard to even see him. He makes “shocking” statements, but all that happens is he’s “being Trump.” It’s hard to criticize because no one wants to give him that kind of power. So he says worse and worse things, because they’re consequence-free. - His superpower is the media’s insatiable need to cover his every utterance regardless of its newsworthiness.
He is a black hole for attention.
And the MSM is totally complicit in his con. - It's not a superpower, it's the media's inability to ignore a trainwreck. They need the clicks and views, so they'll keep covering him, no matter how vile he gets. - Superpower is his base will believe whatever he says even with mountains of evidence to the contrary.
Post Truth is his